Approaching a door

After this past weekend, I have a better understanding of some things that bother me more. When talking to one of the men at the church, I realized that just simply discussing the cancer and chemo really angered me. But, why so much anger?

Anger. I have a lot of anger inside of me. I wonder where the anger was coming from. This anger comes from a long time ago and has been buried for a long, long time. This discussion of anger will come up again on other times and it must be addressed accordingly. I know that I am angry at this cancer. This cancer has stirred up so much that I feel like a whirling dervish. I feel separated from many and this is quite frustrating and annoying. In this anger, I have found that it is quite unattractive. What can I rationalize? The Bible says not to let your anger set with the sun. So, when your anger does set with the sun, then what happens?

Unchecked anger. When anger is not discussed, it becomes anchored in the heart, mind and soul. When it has an opportunity to grow, it creates a "garden" of its own. This place becomes an unholy place where many troubles can grow. We all know what it is. It is easily aroused and can create physical and mental illness. This can be counteracted with a healthy dose of forgiveness. But, if a person does not want to forgive, then this can be perpetuated. The anger can have a dark and vast existence. It can take up a lot of room in the heart, mind and the soul.

But, is this what I have? In some degrees, yes. I do forgive and I do allow my concerns to be addressed. But, I am also one individual that knows that the anger is still there. I will do my best to identify the areas of anger and then to address the ways to removing them.

Primarily, sexual assault can create anger that is deeper and harder to rid than anything else. I have been angry at myself for allowing this to happen. While I have been told that this is not my fault, to some degree it is. I should have never allowed myself to be in a place where there was not protection. But, to pick apart the areas of this relationship is not the point. The issue is that the rape created areas that need to be healed. I cannot say that my heart, mind and soul need repairing, rather they need complete healing. This healing process comes from being willing to be open and to discuss the very difficult things that abide within. This comes with extreme cost. Being open and vulnerable and knowing that judgment is going to come brings strength regardless. I have been judged and I have been mocked and ridiculed. Why should I be dismayed at this? I should not.

At the time of the rape, the anger and separation occurred when I stopped fighting. I had prided myself on always being able to fight. I was not able to fight this off. For some time, I was very angry at myself for not fighting. I was angry at others for not being there to protect me and angry at those individuals for not believing me. This is an area that I will explore even more later--not being believed.

One thing for certain that I do know--I must be willing to vacate this kind of anger. When it is gone, then that room must be filled with something else.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Forgiving on.