Choices

This week has been an especially difficult one for me. I was told something was done on my behalf and done so without my permission and consent. Then I was told "I hope you don't mind." Well, the choice was made for me and that it should not even be discussed. I do not like my choices taken from me and then to be tossed around so hap-hazardously. This has created in me a whole new intolerance of what some might consider "caring for you". I have felt incensed over this and would like others to know just how much I am very upset and frustrated over this event. However, I realize that the actors involved may never reach that understanding. I have to address this issue within myself because it has been a stumbling block for me all week. I realize that some issues are still so very live for me and are very hot topics.

Choices. There have been many choices made for me that I did not consent upon. This is a huge button for me and these individuals could never understand this. How can someone understand if they have not experienced these issues? I like consent. It allows me to have control over things that have been violated. I know the origins of these feelings and must work them out accordingly. I do know, however, how I will try to manipulate things to try and create a backlash. But I know that is wrong. My defense mechanisms have been engaged and I am not liking how this is making me feel. I know what these are and I am not happy about what I see. But, I do know they are there and I am aware of how I can behave.

After the rape, I remember how much of the defense mechanisms had hit. I am sure that if I had listened very carefully, I could hear the slide action of the deadbolt. This is what I feel right now. I feel as though I can hear the slide action of the deadbolt and I do not care to use oil for the mechanism. But, this is not ok. I can feel many emotions and how ugly they are and I am not feeling ok with this. I will have to address them.

Bitterness. For many things that have happened, I have experienced bitterness. No matter how I may rationalize these things, it is not ok. Bitterness should only remain after a certain season and then it must be replaced with a new range of emotions. I am looking to do that. I realize that there is quite a bit of bitterness that exists deep down. If I can see this, I wonder how others may be able to see this. I have to be sure to stand in the "mirror" and go fishing.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Going fishing.