I am not entirely sure which door to open and so I will approach them carefully and uniquely. I have been sharing with some very key persons in my life the events that have changed me. My feelings right now are just very tumultuous. One thing that I am very certain is that these incredible feelings of being touched have not changed. I do not want to be touched. I am also feeling that the more that I say this, the guilt just rises. Should people know that I do not want to be touched? I have come to the resolve that there are things that I will choose to keep closed for more time.
I have been sarcastically told "Oh, yea, I remember. You do not want to be touched." I will be very careful to open about things. And too, I will have to learn to not be in places where that might be an issue. It makes me feel very angry and this anger cannot be voiced overnight. The walls will remain and I have to get a hold of these emotions and batten down the hatches. My feelings for not wanting to be touched are too overwhelming for some people to grasp. I will be modifying my comfort zone once again. I really have no intention of having to constantly explain myself. I chose not to share a long, long time ago and I am choosing to share now. I had said to the LORD then that the judgment that I had received was too much to bear. So, I said that it was between HIM and me. Now, this is feeling the same way. This door! is the most annoying.
I will continue to bring reading material with me wherever I go. I will continue to just be quiet and set aside. This is hard and quite frustrating. I will engage less and I will have conditional information. This "conditional" means that it will be in places that I know I will not have to cover up or that there is no concern about judgment. I do not want anyone to ask about "how are you". I will lie and just shine it on. I feel like I am loosing control from this massive share and I need to just be very careful about it all.
I am not trying to retreat, but I am not willing to be mocked and scoffed again for emotions that are very deep and difficult. It is too hard for me to bear. I have to cover up better. I have to protect my emotions to be sure that I do not feel like a train-wreck. It will be ok.
Pressing on. Pushing on. Advancing to doors.
I am looking back, now nearly a year later after sharing, and it has been a very long and difficult ordeal. Since that time, the relationship that I have with my Pastor has changed. I have seen many things come and go and my relationships within the church have become more defined. I had taken the chance of telling him and I can see that this has hurt him deeply. If I could take it back, I would not have told him and would have kept these things to myself. But, I did trust the LORD with respect to telling him. Perhaps there was something that he needed to learn. I can see that this has impacted him significantly. Just a few weeks later, my Pastor had told me that the LORD had told him that he had spent too much time with me and that it was done. Since that time, our relationship of Pastor and Parishioner has changed and it will never be the same. The whole aspect of rape trauma effects more than just the victim. It changes those around you and sting and stain runs hard and deep. This adds to the emotions that are already existing. The shame is not gone; it is merely less intense. The guilt of sharing with him is strong and hard to deal with. The blame is different as well. Where to go from there? At times I feel that I need to leave the church and leave him alone. But when I think of going to a different church altogether, the emotional strain would be intensified. At this point in time, I feel that I am trapped within a place I did not want to be. How do I express this to my Pastor? It just complicates things. I need to let more time go by and to allow things to mend and heal.
ReplyDeletePressing in. Allowing time to fly.