Memories

Well, the past couple of days have been very interesting. As I spoke with another person, we were discussing some emotional hurtles that might be perceived to be scary for others to know. Sheesh! please! Sometimes I hate that I have this big thing that I keep within in. I really hate that this has happened to me to be filed away and hidden in my memories. There are many things that I regret but this is something that is far beyond regret. This is something that is vile and cannot find a place in my memories that I would find ok to be. Where do you file things away like this? This week, I have felt a little more than just different. I have had a very interesting "head day". I do not think that I could explain it any different. I am approaching my next chemo treatment and I am feeling very apprehensive about the treatment. I was talking to G and he was saying that I should not feel that way because I already know what to expect. Sure, I do know what I will be expecting but it is just the same crappy. I would love to have someone be there with me but I will not ask. I cannot ask. No one can be there and I must accept this as what it is and just be ready. I wonder how I will feel about this in my memories when all of this is all said and done. I do not want to feel bitter or bothered by this but I can honestly say that I am feeling this way. I am feeling insecure and unstable about my feelings and who can touch me and what will be ok to have shared. I am feeling walled up. But, I do not see anything changing any time soon. I have to adjust this in my mind and my heart.

I feel very insecure about things and questioning things. But, I do not want to share my thoughts. I remember after the rape, I went through a time of not trusting anyone or even feeling incredibly insecure around people that I did not trust or know. This is how I am feeling right now. And the sad thing is that I cannot tell anyone. How would anyone understand? What I want is not what I am going to get. I know that I must be willing to continue this by myself and know that there will not be anyone to be there to just cry, sit, stare, oogle or anything else with me. My boss says that she cannot make it; I understand that very much. I know that she has a lot going on. With all of these emotions, I do not want her to see it. I must toughen up and get past this.

I must get over the feelings that are so overwhelming to me and get past the idea that my solitude is only mine. I know that some things will not and cannot happen. I understand that. I must get in closer touch with these feelings and then from there, continue on.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Feeling on.