Remembering things

As I continue with these memories, many feelings have resurfaced and have reestablished themselves. I know that I am learning to share more and to continue with the recollection of some very difficult memories. When I first had begun to be interested in this individual, I remember how much I was getting to be attracted to him. The way that he looked and smelled in cologne was very exciting to me. He was much taller than me and was very physically strong. I remember one day that we in the Brat Pack were at my place and were horse-playing around. He had picked me up and put me on his shoulder and put me upside down. I REALLY do not like being upside down. That really had startled him and I began to walk around to calm down. He had followed me and spoke to me trying to ease my fears. I recall that I had found that appealing in him that he was providing the appearance of caring and compassion. Not too much longer we had had our first sexual encounter. This is where my shame had started.

As a Christian, I did not believe that sex outside of marriage was acceptable or easily validated. I was placing myself in a position where I was loosing the protection of others. For several weeks after that, we did not have more sexual encounters. I had moved into my Aunt and Uncle's home and so traveling back and forth from to church was a long drive. So, to develop the relationship more, he would drive from his home, nearly 35 minutes away, and pick me up to go to church. We would spend the entire day closer to the church and at his mother's house where he lived in the basement apartment. We would often "horse around" at his place.

I had noticed that I was beginning to rationalize my walk with the LORD. I had started to feel waxed over and my shame became a little more deep seated. I cannot remember how many times that we had sexual encounters because they were not all that many. I had noticed one thing that was beginning to catch my concerns. I believed that he was becoming impotent. No matter how many times we attempted, the outcome was the same. He became more frustrated at his performance and it was becoming more evident.

I believe that we had been "dating" for several months and then one day, he appeared at my job while I was on break and proposed. I was shocked. I had missed being married but I had not been divorced long enough to be able to really think that I would be a good wife. There was so much to figure. At that point, I was given an ultimatum (the only thing that I can think of)--to be a -----, I had three days to consider his marriage proposal. For three days, I could not think of anything that would validate me being married again. When he asked me what my answer was, I had told him "no". At that point, we had separated and I did not see him again for at least six months. I had taken a deep breath and believed that I had done the right thing. I had to address my shame and to get in right standing and to push myself to do more in the church.

But, I did not realize that this was not the end. Shame has a way of motivating a person. This motivation may not always be healthy, but it is a means to an end.

More to share later.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Opening doors.