At this threshold

Tomorrow, I will be sharing with my Pastor some of the deepest issues of my past. To say that I am very anxious is an understatement; however, it is necessary. I have been thinking of how to say this and how to plant myself as I say it. Is it too soon? I do not believe so. Actually, it is right on time. The feelings that I wrestle with are many. I will continue to address these.

Shame. This is a very strong emotion that has been a strong motivator for me. Through these overwhelming feelings, I have worked. I have worked in an effort to try and make up for something that was not my fault. I have said it. It was not my fault. I did not ask for this to happen; I had entrusted myself to someone that I had thought cared for me and it was his personal issues that created all of this.

Blame. For a very long time, I have blamed myself. Just as strong as shame (even in the same phonemes), blame is a strong motivator. It is easy to place blame when traumatic events occur. Blame should not happen and it is quite self-destructive. Life choices change when blame has a chance to take seed and grow. In an experience of victimization, blame should have a short life to live as the healing process begins. But, blame can last far too long if healing is stunted. Blame can stunt healing. Healing stunts blame.

When we share deep emotional gems (not issues), we share because we want to have some validation about our feelings. These gems are guarded carefully, and for some, a security placed. When these gems are broken, cracked, damaged or shards of what are of their former perspectives, walls are placed about. I have walls. I have reinforced walls. I have rationalized that not many can handle what I have to say. At times, I am correct. But, there are always listening ears that are qualified. Too, there are beautiful faces that are willing to sit and receive these emotional gems. Explaining to another person about deep feelings is not easy. It has never been designed to be easy. But, there is a great importance on allowing deep feelings to be expressed. Choose well.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Choosing well.