Yesterday, I had made the decision to share with my Pastor the complete events of the rape. My current Pastor was "ordained" to this church that I am attending now as a "sister church" to the church I had originally attended. While there have only been a couple people who have had most of the details, one has already passed away and the other is in my original church. My feelings today are very rocky and very uncertain. There are great amounts of [overwhelming] feelings of judgment, doubt, shame, guilt and uncertainty about sharing. My willingness is there; however, sharing what I am about to share leaves me with an incredible amount of fear of how this is going to sit with a Pastor. My Pastor and I have discussed many things. He has said that he is not a counselor; however, it is in him to do this. I have seen this. He has been a long-time friend as well and to trust him in this is important to me. I cannot handle his doubt in his abilities when I have full confidence that this can be done. I have seen him struggle with my emotions as he has watched me in this journey. I am fearful but I am confident that this is what I need to do. I have been holding this garbage in for nearly 18 years and it is time to be rid of it all.
I did not sleep well last night. I have been very tired from a migraine and this has been keeping me distracted. But, sharing all of this information has left me with the overwhelming feeling of not wanting to be touched. Certainly, at work I can be touched and vice versa . I enjoy being touched from my clients and things. But that is only for a few moments and not on a constant basis. I have an incredible time with that and avoid being touched with everything that is in me. I prefer not being touched at this point and for this to happen it comes with some incredible emotional strain.
I am tired. I am looking forward to some sleep. This upcoming storm is hard enough.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Walking to the doors.
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