What can I say

I have some needs for the week. I need to know some things but I am not sure that I want to vocalize them. What can I say? I remember some of these feelings from way back and the need of being told that I matter and that I am pretty and that there is nothing wrong with me. This weekend, I was told that I looked very nice by a couple of people. I got dressed up for church and so many looked and commented about me to others. Why is it that I have to dress up for a holiday for someone to give me a compliment? No one can possibly understand how I have felt so ugly from just all of these changes that have been going on in my body. But, I have to keep going with a smile on my face and to look like nothing is bothering me. I will. I will be very careful how to share.

I remember these days well when I would just look for the best opportunity to hear kind and good words. I remember the days of feeling so disliked, unwanted and degenerate and kept it to myself. I was told that the reason for the cancer was that GOD was trying to teach me something. This entire ordeal has been very difficult and very trying. I know that I have to encourage myself and to tell myself that I am very beautiful and desirable. I have to tell myself that this is only temporary. But what a difficult thing to do for myself.

After the rape, I do not know what kind of woman I was. Now, with this cancer, it is hard to say what kind of woman I am. There are those who like to tell me what kind of woman to be and there are others who avoid me because I am not the type of woman they want me to be. MAKE UP MY MIND FOR ME! Too many people do not understand this. Too many that do are not here to just be here and are far away.

I do have to say that I am very angry for having choices taken away from me. The most recent events from the gossip has made me feel the very same way. I am looking forward to moving on and for many to forget what has been going on. I am hoping that distance from this will be good and to keep this from many.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Moving on.