In the door

Today, after having a very long week, I am happy to say that I am in the door. I realize many things about recent shares. My emotions this week have been centered on many thoughts and concerns. I have been successful about getting some of my obligations completed. But, I have to say that I have so many more that are ahead of me.

I am returning back to the topic of anger. This week, I have been experiencing the type of anger that is an instigator and motivator to get those obligations done. I have felt very insecure about my conversations with my Pastor. That is nothing that he has done; rather, it is something that I have inside of me. My insecurity. I have had many conversations with him about many different things and that angers me that I am not understanding some things. It angers me when someone does not respond back to me in a timely manner--that is my issue and no one else. I do not like silence; in fact, I hate it. It does anger me and that is something that has been used to manipulate me in times past. Silence. I do not like it. I find it to be the most irritating thing. Yes, I know that the family issue of the leader of my church is more important and that insecurity is going to be addressed. In time, this will mend and I will be able to peruse it much better.

I do realize today too, that the anger that I have had also has been very instrumental about putting up walls. Some walls can be used for strength and some for keeping outsiders from coming in. For me, it is both. When I feel misunderstood and excessively challenged, I put up walls. I have asked to be challenged because some walls should not be there. But the last several weeks have been more challenging than what I would like to say. I have been told things that have been rude and inappropriate. This has created more anger and instigated me to want to create physical harm. I know that this is wrong. The response that I have felt is that I have better get a good grip on myself before I say some things that I would regret. I have already done so with my Pastor. (He is a better man than what people realize. He has to put up with me.)

The anger that is dangerous is the type that actually makes me have extra energy. I feel the surge coming and I want to tear something up. When I have expressed this to my Pastor, I wonder if he knows exactly what I mean, but I think that he really does. The anger that I had experienced just recently was just that. I wanted to create physical harm. But, I did not. At times, this anger can be detrimental to my strength as well. It takes a lot of work to be that worked up and from that point, the cooling down time is very important. When I was younger, it would take me longer to cool down; now that I am older, it does not take long to cool me down, but then after that, I linger longer. I do not like to linger; but I take this to the LORD and am very careful to not act on it. I have learned to ask for forgiveness and despite what is going on, there is no excuse for me to behave poorly or to do something that is inappropriate. But oh! How I long to tear something up.

It is time to close the door for the night. I will be back.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Opening doors.