It is never an easy thing to discuss behavior when an individual perceives that they are at fault. Creating expression has become more challenging and very difficult. But, I will persevere and I will push on.
When I had left off, I was sharing about how we had become broken up. The marriage proposal was what had sent him away. It was hard for me for a little while to consider that he had stormed off because he had not gotten his way. I was very pleased that I had stood my ground and was not going to be compromised about his proposal, mood, temper and the answer that I had given him. To this day, I can remember what he looked like. His attitude was that I was marrying into a dynasty of sorts and that I needed to be strong like him to be part of the family. Again, this is classic transference and I was not going to allow a guilt trip to persuade me. I had thought long and hard about being married again and the level of commitment that was involved in all of this. He would not be able to meet that emotional level. I thought too, about an intimate relationship. What part of intimate would he be able to fulfill? At that point, I had no idea of what was going to happen and to what extent.
For the next several months, I was content to just hide what I had done, repented for what I had did and to work toward just working on me. I was very upset that this was going to be completely an uphill battle that I would not be able to discuss with anyone. Why would anyone want to listen?
Then, several months had passed and he had come back into my life. He had been away from the church for several months with other members of our "brat pack". I remember talking to one of them and asking how he was doing and where he was keeping himself. I was sincerely concerned. I was told, "Caren Marie--hah, I don't know". Then the day arrived when he had come back to the church. It was the most interesting thing that I had seen. I was excited to see him again but was not quite sure why. I realized that my feelings for him were beginning to run very deep. I was hesitant to really do anything else with him. I did not want to go anywhere with him and to make sure that we were always around others. I would be very standoffish toward him. I recall that I did not want to do anything that was not appropriate. But, we ended up talking. I remember that he was very apologetic for what he had said and that he had realized if I were to marry him, it would be out of love and not from compulsion. He knew what to say and how to say it. I had had old feelings reignited about how I had felt toward him. We had decided to meet after church for dinner and coffee and we had discussed that we would not enter into a relationship unless he could promise me that we would never have any more physical contact again. He had agreed and from that point, we were not in any hurry to do anything. At least, I was not in any hurry to do anything.
Somehow or another, we ended up in the same situation. We would end up at his place downstairs or in his car parking. Touching became more common and the boundaries were being crossed. I could feel that I was getting in a situation but I did not stand up and stop it. Looking back, this was a matter of months.
Things became more than just boundaries being violated. I became more and more uncomfortable with the relationship and the way that he was becoming changed slowly. Just like before, he was unable to keep an erection; oral stimulation was what he required/requested/needed. I was being forced physically to provide oral stimulation. He would not allow me to stop until he was emotionally satisfied. I would be crying the same time that I was being forced to provide this stimulation; but all he could say was how good he felt.
For a few more weeks, this would continue. I do not remember how often this would occur, but I do remember the hellish nightmare seeing him was becoming. Then, I had come to a point when I would tell him that it had to stop. It was within this short period of time that I would be raped.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Figuring on.
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