Next

It has been a week now that I have opened things to the world about what has happened. I am still being overly aware and am very careful about being touched. I have come to the understanding that it is ok to have these feelings. I was worried that I should not. I am. I am finding that I can express my feelings. However, I will not be sharing with so many. The idea of the judgment is very costly to me. I know that there is some hesitancy still about things discussed; I have to respect that. I know that I feel much better about some things; however, I still feel very torn. Where do I start? Emotions are so treacherous at times. When I feel as though the weight of things are off my shoulders, I realize that a new bunch of weights are added.

Weights. What shall I feel? Now that the greatest part of sharing has happened, there are these difficult times still surfacing. I am finding myself walking more and still uncertain about these overwhelming feelings and thoughts. Sure, I have unloaded many emotions. Now, they are laid out and open for all. What next? What shall I validate? I know that many cannot understand what I am experiencing and I am finding that I must validate some. I do not want to validate anymore. I still do not want to be overwhelmed at the whole prospect of everyone wanting to just have liberties.

Key. Trust. What do I trust in? What is it that I am not trusting in? Time is the healer of many things. I received a huge hug this weekend and it was what the doc had ordered. I am still afraid that what is "in there" is still not quite at the surface. Where to do I get that hug? Should I press in for more? I still feel a latent violent outburst coming. I feel that it is lying under a lot of anger and hatred and I know that this will be coming up in due time. I need to be prepared for that. I believe that this is much like the grieving process. I cannot remain in anger or grief for long because it needs to be carefully guided through prayer and supplication. I am looking forward to being touched and hugged by someone who will understand that they must be willing to handle the torrent of emotion. It is not there yet. It is coming and I can feel it. I do feel loads better; however, the insecurity is there.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.