Sleeping

I did not sleep well last night with my mind racing. These steroids did not help me at all. I worked hard to pray and I did. I was dozing off and then the thoughts of my hair coming up woke me again. What if people want to know what is going on? I am worrying about the constant buzz of talk and touching. This touching thing is really getting to me.

Door. Personal space. I was thinking hard about this very much last night. Personal space. My personal space has been violated on many occasions and I am feeling the after effects. Much like a ripple in the water, this is what I have been feeling and it is very interesting how it is manifesting now. I do not like this feeling at all because it is a deep seated insecurity. This insecurity has come from being forced to do something that I did not want to do. I think that the crud behind this door is going to be brought back up again. I need to find the "light switch" and get moving.

I do not have an issue in talking to anyone. I do not have an issue with meeting and greeting new persons. I do not even have an issue about being touched at work. I enjoy being touched at work from my folks. But, I do not want to be touched too much. I can only handle the load of so much at one time. I have noticed that it has effected my kiddo as well. I have noticed that the lack of touching has made a difference and so I have worked hard to touch every day.

Too, I am finding that I am misinterpreting some conversations. I have to learn to listen more and to keep silent. I have asked questions but then again, my New York mouth gets in the way. I am critical of my self and that is not ok when touching is an issue. I have to look up some of my material for this. I might haul myself downtown to the library and have a look in the stacks. And! get into some concordances!!

The key. Engagement. Do I really want to be engaged? Do I really want to have this door opened a lot? At this point in time, I am making this conditional. Certain people know how to open the door without any troubles. I have learned that trust makes a big difference. But, with this trust comes the understanding that judgment does not belong and it is not welcomed. Trust is another key that keeps the doors opened or closed.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Trusting more.