Fear

This is something that I just do not understand. For the most part, there is a lot to be afraid of. But, when you have close friends, fear should have a healthy place and little respect. There is much to be said about fear. Fear can create more harm than good; however, fear can be a motivator and an instigator. I shared with someone tonight something very important and I ran the risk of quite a bit of fear. Big J was that person. I wonder how things will be now with him knowing. I am determined that what has happened will not prevent me from becoming the "most excellent" person that I know and want to be.

Fear of the unknown. There is much to be said about that. After chemo, things will not be the same. After radiation, things will not be the same as well. But, with everything out in the open, what will be thought of me. What is on the horizon? For some reason, I believe a lot more quiet and loneliness. In my experience, fear has made things very quiet and some just do not know how to address matters.

I was told by one not to say anything about the rape. I have to respect that. It happened to me. Not them. I have a lot of anger stirred up as well. Who can I discuss this openly with that it will not make them afraid to talk to me. What I have been told and what I have experienced are just not the same. It is not over and I just want to be told that it will be ok. I know that I will be fine. I look forward to turning the clock back a whole lot and understanding that it will be fine.

My emotions and my life are not the same and my emotions are very tumultuous. I have to remember to identify what "things" are. I do not like ambiguity.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Identifying on.