Working

The beginning of the week has been set for me. I have started this day out with a bang--very tired and ready to go. Today, I have been preparing for this week. I could feel some emotions coming up and while I was mingling at church, these feelings came. Although I have not had any meltdowns for weeks, I have felt bottled up. I have been concentrating on the things of the kiddo and trying to focus my energy on taking care of those issues. This is exhausting.

I have been wrestling though. What has been bubbling to the surface again is hatred and bitterness. I realize that there will be many long days ahead that I will be working on these emotions and this will not be the last. For the most part, these emotions have not been overtaking me and they will not. I have been very good to keep a very close reign on myself and to recognize when I want to blow my stack. Again, I have not had a meltdown for several weeks and a "nuclear explosion" for just a bit longer. I feel that some things are getting easier to recognize and that my resolution and my control are getting just that much better. However, I am realizing that with such restraint, will come a release. I am working on better recognizing that release. I want to be able to find a great avenue to be able to release it without it becoming a problem for someone else. I am feeling very aggressive and am enjoying the feeling. But, looking around at others, I cannot find that outlet that I need or want. I am wondering very much.

I know, too, that with this kind of anger and resentment is coming some fear again. For some time, I have been very cautious about anyone coming behind me. These insecurities are very difficult to work with some times. I have been experiencing feelings of great overwhelm and need to keep walking around to remain focused. Too many people at one time is enough. But, too, I am feeling odd. I need to keep my feelings at a tight reign because I do not want to be venting or sharing anything any time soon. It has been enough for people to have been looking at me strangely because of the cancer, I do not want anyone looking at me strangely period. With the chemo nearly complete, radiation will start soon and this will really engage my emotions. I do not think that I can withstand going through the feelings of this and radiation. This will really trigger my rape trauma. I do have to say that I am worried and this has me a little upset and anxious. And this is not even about people looking at me strangely; rather, it is about people just not being there. That is what really has been eating away at me. There is a lot eating away at me. There is just so much going on right now that I could just take a long vacation and not want to come back; but, I know that running away is not the answer. These feelings are just so much and I do not want to visit any of them.

I have to remind myself that I should not be anxious about anything. I have to remind myself again and again that it will be ok. I have to encourage myself that it is ok to feel my feelings and to experience what I am experiencing. I hope that I can keep these feelings locked away for a little bit longer. I hope to get through these last couple of chemos and then I will be free for a little bit. When it is time for radiation, I hope that I will be able to keep this away from many and it will be just a matter of passe for them. I do not want anyone to know what is going on. This will take more out of me to keep things silent than to tell everyone. I cannot handle the lack of communication from people. If I have to keep things quiet and away, I will do so.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Working on.

Another moment in time

I have to say that today was very good. I got to see T at church and it was good to see him. I am reminded and reassured that the things that I have been working with are not dross. I am reminded that the radiation that I will be receiving in the next several months will not be so bad; however, I am very concerned just the same. This is going to be a different kind of journey altogether. I will not be hooked up to an infusion, rather be "zapped" with radiation. This is going to be potentially difficult.

Too, it was good to see T because he understands the flashbacks. I have been experiencing these for several weeks now consistently and it is driving me nuts. For nearly two months, I have been experiencing dreams, nightmares and flashbacks that have haunted me. In the same aspect, when I wake up from them, the LORD has given me music to hold me. I am very blessed on that regard. I have to use my SOS as well. My anxiety has been challenged and I need to rely upon the LORD for that SOS.

So far so good, though. When I got to church, I was expecting so much. When I was there, it was good to be able to absorb things slowly. My kiddo's boyfriend was not there to distract her and so she was very attached to me for the entire service. This was good. I did not have many come up to me and try to hug me or do anything else. I wanted to sprint on many occasions; however, I was good and did not. I walked quite a bit to keep from looking like I wanted to be still a lot. However, this was inside and I did not want my kiddo to be worried. It was very hard to sit still. I am working hard on this.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Timing on?

And what is next

I have been working today to get many things done. Considering that I have little to not help with chores, I am the only person to get things done. I am happy today that I was the only one doing that. I have been battling flashbacks today and it has been quite a bit to keep me focused on what chores I have needed to be gotten done. After I got home, I was able to take a nap and get some sleep from the long week. Just the same, I am preparing for church. I have been comfortable with my personal zone and am not looking forward to having many approach when they have no idea what I am going through. Last weekend, I was so tired that I was not able to make service. I love going to church. But, I have to say that I am very happy to say that my comfort zone was not impeached. This week, I am very concerned.

I have been experiencing fear today. I am uncertain about what to expect and what there is to be experienced. I have been rehearsing in my mind what will happen when I arrive at the church and who will want to touch and get close. I am only working so much to get things done; I am not sure how much I will be able to withstand. I know that I will not be able to handle much and I do not want to get into a panic/anxiety attack. I have been experiencing these this week with anticipation that I will be trapped in with a lot of people. I know that there is a certain amount of anxiety and panic from not wanting to be exposed to people that might make me sick. This is tough for me.

I am looking forward to some more conversations as well. I need to get some things ironed out. There is a lot going on and I am afraid that if anyone asks me how things are, I will be having a meltdown. When I spoke with G today, he was good to relieve me of some emotion. But, there are some that will really compromise me and I will need to take control of the conversation before I loose it. I have not had a melt-down in several weeks and I am not looking forward to one tomorrow. I am going to focus on not having a meltdown, but if I do, I am going to be needing to keep it private and away. I do not want anyone to know. This will make things more difficult.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.

Walking slowly

Today has been a day that I have had to force myself to keep busy. I have found myself in tears from being too tired. Although my self-talk is positive and encouraging, I do not feel that way. I know that what I feel has little bearing on what I actually feel; however, I am very tired. I have battled all week with flashbacks and got very little sleep last night from these. Too, my hot flashes have not helped and I have worked diligently to stay comfortable. One thing that I have have been very successful to do is to remain positive and focused. My exhaustion level is very consistent and I cannot say how much I would love to be able to get some quality sleep.

I have felt a lot of emotion stirring up that I have been wrestling with--anger and bitterness. I have discussed this before and will be discussing it more. I have realized that these feelings are quite comparative and my perceptions are skewed. I have been feeling quite angry that I am not entirely a whole person; rather, I am a stained person that will not see things the same again for some time. I know that many other women around me must be experiencing the same thing with respect to their assault and violation. Today, I have felt very aware of these things. As I have been working on overcoming the feeling of being touched, I am aware that these feelings are those that I must take control over. I am becoming more choosy about which stores to frequent and to which tellers to stay with. I choose them intently. I am aware that I have a "zone" and I am very comfortable to remain in that. I am too tired to be working on getting out of it and choose to remain where I am for the time being. I am comfortable with this area. I am becoming more aware that I am becoming more sensitive to things. I know that I still am feeling that I do not want to be touched. This is becoming a certainty more and more. I am choosy as to who may touch me and when. However, when I am touched, I am wiped and keeping my resolve is very important.

This anger and resentment that I am struggling with has been tiring me. I do not want to be rude or obnoxious; however, there are some events that I have to address that have been making me release this energy. I have been very much so welcoming the energy from it. However, I am very tired.

I have been confessing as well that the LORD has my heart. I am also trying not to worry about my emotions so much because HE is my heart. I know that I can relax in HIM. Experiencing the feelings of not being touched is quite ok for this time.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Feeling on.

And uncertainty remains

I was reading a journal article today for school and the first thing that the article stated was that "rape is a horrifying experience". Yes, it is. What it leaves behind is trauma that many do not understand. I was reminded about many emotions today as I had to work through the day and some personal chores. I feel uncertain about some things. What I know is that my days are long and involved. I know that these emotions are playing havoc with my heart and I am getting aware of just how much it is causing. I am finding myself more alert to some things going on around me and there are other things that I just feel that I will tackle for another day. My flashbacks are staying pretty much the same and that is ok. Understanding them is the biggest battle.

In this 2002 article, it was stated that nearly 500,000 rapes and sexual assaults are reported by women yearly. This is staggering. Yet there is little mention of people like me that will not report the rape for lack of evidence or it being a date rape. This article continues to go on about how rape trauma can be worked through. As I have looked through it, I can see just what I have been doing all these years and that it has been what I have been supposed to be doing all this time.

I especially have been very intrigued about how it is suggested that the survivor move toward exposure. I have been doing this for years and have been pushing myself to circumstances and to move toward "getting beyond" this all. The days where events or places are so difficult that I could cry have come. There are times when going into certain buildings does not bother me; however, the prospect of going to certain offices bothers me significantly. Sometimes the smell of things can trigger some uncomfortable feelings that I did not care to have. Yet, I press on. Real-life situations can be hard at times; but, not all the time. There are certain circumstances that I choose not to engage in.

As I continue to learn more about what vexes me, I am very pleased that there is a lot of information for me to read. I am excited.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Learning more.

Looking upon things

For the most part, this week has been moving along like I have expected. I have had sleepless nights from hot flashes and my "head days" are doing ok. I have had some flashbacks, but I have been very diligent to have excellent self-discussion. I have been experiencing some loneliness and some general insecurities that I usually experience after chemo. But this week, I have been a little dry; I was not able to make it to church and to get to see other people. In the same aspect, I have been very grateful that I have not been able to see many too. I do not like having to show my complete range of emotions in front of others when my trust does not seem to be evident. Trusting others with my emotional display is very trying. I do not care to explain my thoughts to many if any. Today, I was told that I was "coming out of my shell". Whatever that may mean. I have never thought that I was in a shell; rather that I have been very good to keep my personal issues from others. I stand my ground with that. I do not care to have many know the personal things that are very challenging. But, then again, when I think about the personal issues that vex me, I need to have a good balance as to what can be shared and with whom. Trust is always at the gates and that will always be a decidant factor.

I feel that there is a time coming again that my "shell" will be fortified again. I feel that I have been far too emotional and I do not know what to do with all of this emotion. I know that the chemo has a great amount to contribute to my emotional roller-coaster and from that point, I am working hard to keep my center and focus. These emotions that I have been experiencing have been unsteady and cannot be trusted. No matter what, I do realize that things are going to be ok and that I am experiencing normal emotions. I am very excited as well that what I have been understanding about my emotions is a great journey. I know what to expect and I know how to address them.

One aspect that I did not expect to kick in was that I do not care to have anyone walk behind me. I am more aware of my "rear flanks". I really am feeling quite walled in when I have some people walk behind me. I am also careful about doors being open and an escape route if necessary. I am still working through the idea of this "face-to-face" and that has been stirring me up quite a bit. I have been working a lot of self-talk about it and it is not helping. But! My SOS is kicking in and this has been helping me out quite a bit. I am looking forward to putting this into action. I am curious....

I know that as I walk around and maneuver myself among others, I am still very aware of my comfort zone. I still do not want to be touched by many and I still do not care to be placed in a situation that I might need to just take off. What my anxieties are with respect to this are many. I am working diligently to be more comfortable with others; however, I am still very aware that this will be a very exhausting event. I am trying very hard; however, it seems that certain days make no difference at all. The mere anticipation of something very compromising can be enough.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Putting on.

And the beat goes on

After a long weekend of a lack of energy, I have been wrestling with very little. I am very thankful. Although I have been having to be picky about what to watch on TV, I am very tired. I can say that my anxieties have been low but my emotions have been rocky just the same. I have not had to deal with a lot of flashbacks this weekend. I was concerned that things might be getting stirred up; however, I did not go to church today because of the lack of energy. Some days are harder than others; yet, more enjoyable. I have had to wake up and reassure myself of some things. I must remember that when these flashbacks come, I must remind myself of many thoughts--this is not what it is and I am well and safe. Sometimes, the energy that I must use for all of this is more than I would like to bargain for. Just the same, it is possible to overcome.

With respect to other emotions, I am finding that I am at some peace; just the same, this weekend has been with little interaction and demand. I am thankful that there have been little demands on me this weekend; I will be able to be rested up for the week and to get things prioritized. I have to say that I really am beginning to feel like a freakazoid--things are just so rocky and I wonder how I am perceived. Some days I wonder. Ah! Sitting and wondering--can be a lot of fun.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Wondering on.

Another day will continue

Today, I had a very fun day. Certainly, there are many ways to describe some of the days that I have had but fun is not always on the top of that list. Today, I had been experiencing so many things to laugh about it has been quite a bit of a relief. I have cried so much (for me) and it is getting so old. Depending upon the person asking, I could fall into tears without a problem. But for the most part, I hate being asked "how are you doing". Why is it that people just do not get it?

Just the same, my anxiety have been up at an all-tine high knowing that certain circumstances are coming. I will be working more closely with my Pastor for "conversation" and that terrifies me to no end. It is not the conversation so much that terrifies me; rather, it is the feeling of being enclosed in a place that is outside of my comfort zone. Since all of the nightmares and the flashbacks have been happening, I have been experiencing a very interesting range of emotions. Knowing that some places will trigger some of these events is hard enough; experiencing them is another things altogether.

But, today, I have to say that I have experienced something very funny and exciting. I was shown, through prayer, that the way to counter all of the anxiety that I have in association with the upcoming face-to-face, I should change my personal paradigm and imagine Pastor in another way--to focus on a different set of amusing events that I would only understand the humor. So, I did. I had my own emotional SOS and it was wonderful! I knew this! I did, but it was on time with respect to my personal anxiety. This is the purpose of changing my personal understanding and to apply to myself my own Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I love it! The idea of meeting face-to-face seems a little more do-able right now and that is very good. I had later seen Pastor at a local department store and it was such a peaceful visit. Now, I do not know how that will be in later weeks when he gets back to his official capacity; but, I am able to say that I am a little more willing to address some things. I have argued with the LORD about many things and meeting face-to-face is a little more easy to say.

Most of the reason why I cannot handle the face-to-face is that this triggers so many anxious emotions and flashbacks that have occurred. I am looking forward to these not having as much of an impact with me. Tomorrow is chemo #4. I am not all that thrilled and I am not looking forward to experiencing any possible flashbacks this weekend. I am looking forward to some peace and quiet though.

I am looking forward to my SOS just the same. It will be so much fun!

Pushing on. Pressing on. SOS on!

Trusting for what lies ahead

While listening to all of my music today, I am encouraged that I must trust for all of my needs. This has been something that I must continue to tell myself because this day has already been a challenging head day. I have been experiencing many tumultuous thoughts and feelings. I know that these thoughts are not accurate and I should not pay any attention to them; however, they are coming strong and hard. I have had to fight these feelings already so early in the day.

I simply do not trust. This is a door that has been open for some time. It seems that this door moves all around like a wiggly worm. I hate that these feelings seem so deep. I do not trust people walking behind me; it bothers me significantly. The thought of getting a back rub, shoulder rub, pat on the shoulder--anything--seems to set me ablaze. I do not trust that what I ask is respected; however, I must learn to know. I do not trust that the relationships that I have been developing with others is going to be a lasting and fulfilling relationship. A lack of trust creates so much insecurity and a lot of walls are put up in the stead.

This is one aspect of assault that really hurts the most. To be able to move on to better things, trust must be developed. It is hard for me to develop quality relationships if I perceive that these relationships are going to be lost before they even have a chance to develop. Too, walls are put up that I do not care to have taken down any time soon. I see that I am asked to do some things that I just am having a time battling. The flashbacks are really messing with my mind and I am working hard to avoid people and places and I am happy to do so, but I know that I should not. I do not want to continue to keep "sharing" with some people, but I know that I must. Some additional people are being added to all of this and I am terrified of some of the outcomes. It is strange to see that "strangers" will learn more about you and it must come with the idea that these tidbits of information are kept private and solitary. Entertaining the thoughts of someone else knowing is hard. Getting close to the event of sharing is terrifying for me. I want to run and hide but I know that I should not. Knowing that these events are coming has been pressing in on my emotions! The flashbacks and nightmares are triggering a fight or flight response and I am working hard to work myself through it.

I am finding, too, that I am bartering more. "I will do this, if you do this...". I am working hard at my emotions but it seems that the harder the work, the more things are compromised. I know that I must continue forward.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Moving on.

Walking along

This is most particularly interesting. As I am working to understand the behaviors that challenge me, I am very intrigued at the response that I have been getting from others. I am finding that my walking is making a huge difference in how my emotions are exhibited. I spent the best of the morning walking to keep the emotions at bay. I know that next weekend will be bringing things to a particular challenge. I will have the chemo to slow me down. However, I will be listening to my music all that much more.

I am noticing that I am becoming more bold about my little bubble. I am not all that much more concerned for others' emotions. I have to get through my own. I am very pleased that I am able to better understand those emotions that are more present on particular events. Then anger that I have had buried is coming to the surface and I am waiting for this to be challenging to others. I am noting that bitterness is not too far from it. While approaching these doors, I am very leary about where to start. I am very blessed to be able to understand them and from that point, figure out how to address them. While walking at the church, I was able to vent some anger out on the tree that was in my path. Silly as it might sound, this tree was able to provide me an outlet to get some anger out. It really felt good. But, to say too, that I am looking forward to a nice rebel yell. That will be good.

I am working toward my target. I am told that I am doing better than what I think that I am. I know and I wonder. Things are good. I am looking forward.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Walking on.

Another day continues

This week has been especially difficult in so many ways. This week marks the season of so many flashbacks and nightmares that have been a curse to me. I have had these before but they have been so far away and have only lasted for just a short time. But with these come an attitude that I have not cared to have. What is very frustrating is that this has been witnessed by just so few and when company is needed, it is not there. My visiting family has left and so has the immediate support. I was asked yesterday what have I been doing for myself. Well, the usual--homework, housework, work and more work. What is there to do for myself? When it is very important to have someone listen and understand it is not always there. I was pleased this week that I was actually understood; yes, PTSD is not fun. Although mildly affected, it does affect me just the same.

It is good to know that my feelings are real and they are nonetheless very serious to me. These feelings of not wanting to be touched and solitude are very significant. I am beginning to understand my emotions all that much more and it is quite liberating that I do not need to be explaining myself to others. One thing that I was reminded of was that "please do not tell me how to feel" is quite ok. I am beginning to understand that not many understand what is going on. Vets are not the only ones that can experience PTSD. This is experienced by victims of violent and traumatic events. The trauma is imprinted in me and I must be aware of how these feelings can emerge and how they change me. I am more blunt, have more anger at times, feel more insecure, and the loneliness can be frustrating. The shame is deep and I have quite a bit to just keep my peace. I know that this is just for a short time and I will be better.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Reminding on.

And the beat goes on

For the most part, the week has been moving along well. I have been tired and I have been leary about going to bed. I have been waking up with thoughts for the upcoming day and ready to tackle what may lay ahead. My hump day is coming--Thursday. This will mark the day that Sunday will be my day of rest; however, there is always something to be gotten done.

Since my family has been here, it has been nice. I have only seen them twice now and will be seeing them again on Friday. It has been nice to be able to lose the bandanna and not worry about judgment or any additional thoughts. There has been nothing but total acceptance and a very wide comfort zone. It feels so good to have no concern about being touched or feeling like I need to escape. I had realized this week that there are only a handful of people who know the details of the rape. Certainly, anyone reading this blog does. But, of those that I have spoken intimately--only two. Of my immediate family, there are two. When I shared the details with my cousin, her strength and resolve were what I had expected. I had kept that from her for all of these years. I have shared with her that my comfort zone has been really challenged and she was not sure what I meant. And, of course, I had a meltdown with her. That was so good. There is nothing like family to be able to sob and to be completely unglued that makes things feel so much better. I was even able to show her my incisisions and she was able to touch them without creating in me the feeling of needing to run or escape. I had told her that she should always touch me no matter what. She did say that she would; I had reiterated that she had better touch me regardless. There are only a few people that can get away with that--she is one! But, she lives so far away. Who will be my resident touchmaster? I love how she touched my head and kissed it. I love that she said I looked cute! The soothing words of family and a cousin will always be the best medicine. What will I do when she leaves?

I am curious when I will be able to just walk around without the bandanna. It is overwhelming enough for everyone at church to know what is going on let alone have no head covering. The whole idea gives me an anxiety attack! I do not really care for any to touch my head like my family can. That will be off limits. But, I do realize that my inability to be touched by many is a huge obstacle for me. I want to get beyond this. But, I am also aware that I must take my time. I hope that others will understand. This is something that I am working hard on. But, in all honesty, I really do not want to work on. I like the bubble for the time being. There is a security there that is not with other emotions.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Securing on.

Nightmares

I have to say that I am not a happy camper with the insomnia and the nightmares. For the past weekend's nightmare, I have been dealing with the same feelings and sleeplessness. I know that this was not real; however, the overwhelming feelings of shame and guilt are haunting me. I feel as though many are going to know, but in actuality, I am the only person that knows. The shame and guilt are so overwhelming. These emotions are very staggering. It is amazing at the amount of emotion that can be locked from such a long, long time ago. I get these emotions mixed up with anxiety and apprehension. This overwhelming feeling of shame is quite a bit to handle. I am hoping to be able to survive the weekend. I still have so much to do and I am so exhausted from these feelings.

I had hot flashes as well from the chemo and so this was not a good mix. I am needing to stand on a mountain and scream! I got up, walked around, prayed and cried. These feelings are not going to overtake me!

Pushing on. Pressing on. Sleeping on?

The life after rape

For the first time in a long time, I have explained what the life of a rape victim is. Rape is ugly. It has a stain that is left behind that is not like any other. For any person who says that the rape did not effect them, is in denial. Rape effects everyone. The manner of rape effects the person in degrees--violent, date associated, drug induced, stranger, non-stranger or even family member. Any one of these scenarios create so much emotional deficiency that must be addressed. If the assailant is known, interpersonal relationships are challenging. Much the same, when the assailant is not known, the emotions are so much deeper and complicated. Either way, victimization is nonetheless important to deal with. All interpersonal relationships are challenged. Shame, guilt, trust, suspicion, avoidance, emotional bartering, separatism and more are just some aspects of how rape can begin touching the depths of the injured soul. There is no quick fix and being told to just "get over it" is nothing shy of impossible. Many people do not understand what it means to be raped and so providing words of comfort is easily misconstrued.

For the most part, many women do not report their rape. They do not because of how the criminal justice system seems to rape them all over again. Discussing the events and details of rape in a courtroom setting creates the perception of being violated all over again. Having to go through the examination, tests, assessments and the process of establishing the crime is more injurious. Experiencing the violation is one thing, sharing it with strangers is another.

Many choose to keep it quiet and not tell anyone. This is so very harmful. Behavior changes when we internalize our emotions and do not include others in the experience. This is not always easy and everyone's experience is unique and must be treated as such. As for myself, I was date raped. I did not go to the authorities because there was not enough DNA material to be used--he did not leave anything behind because he was becoming impotent. Date rape is the hardest thing to ever prove because an established relationship creates doubt that a violation occurred. This is one thing that the criminal justice system does poorly to protect in. So, in the long-run, suffering begins and creates emotional deficiencies. Many suffer in the same way and yet so differently. It is not uncommon to hear about suicide; self-injurious behavior (cutting, self-abuse, multiple forms of self-harm); over compensation (exercising, obsessive compulsive behaviors); eating disorders; substance abuse; criminal behavior; family troubles (divorce, marital difficulties, sexual dysfunction); anger management and even more.

What is the cure? How can it be prevented? That is difficult to say because the emotional dysfunction of the assailant often times goes without notice. Violation is violation. No matter where a man or woman places themselves, NO means NO. There is no reason why someone should ever harm another. In some aspects, there are two victims--the assailant and the victim. It is argued that the assailant may be the first victim and was never cared for at the time of the original assault. Just the same, we all need to be protected. Looking back after all of these years, I can see so many things and can understand what was going on. I suppose this is a huge part of forgiveness.

The stain that I have been experiencing is what many have already. For many, the events of the rape can be stirred once again through locked memories. This can be activated at any time and through any event, comment, smell, touch, situation or string of events; it can happen frequently, infrequently, rarely or just so minimal that it is almost unnoticeable. Just the same, the events of rape can be revisited. Many do not understand that. It is part of our walk and something that is very intertwined in our souls. Can this be removed? Can this be diminished? I believe so. But, a lot of hard work must be invested. The unsung heros that come along side us must be willing.

To all of those unsung heros, I appreciate you.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Understanding on.

Still continuing

Well, this is now a week after the nightmare. This past seven days have been filled with so much. I have had so many stressful events that have kept me occupied with other things. As I have been assessing my emotions, thinking about the events that my emotions are linked to, I can honestly say that I do feel odd all over again. I remember having a nightmare like this once before that set me at odds with myself. This odd feeling makes me feel separated from everyone that any trauma would. I feel as though I was traumatized all over again but with a different twist--the twist is of foreknowledge. This twist was of "I have experienced this before, and get ready, it is going to be just like the last time." Although I have had to take an incredible amount of time to talk to myself about the nightmare, it is still very familiar to me. I am having to tell myself throughout the day that it was just a dream and that it was not an actual event. At times, I can feel my breathing change and remind myself that it was just a dream and that life does continue in the stead. My work schedule has not changed and my obligations have gotten no significant change. I am still able to cope with my daily events and look forward to getting several more weeks past me to feel very comfortable about these feelings.

I really hate nightmares like this. They change me for a season. In times past, no one would have ever known about these emotions. I would carry these emotions very quietly and just work through them to the best of my ability. I remember the days that I would leave church and walk around the parking lot just crying or talking to myself or just trying to stay in motion while I was having a difficult time. Before, I would try and sing. Now, I have an MP3 player and I can just plug in and let the music soothe my soul. For the most part, this is what has been helping me through this difficult time. I am very thankful for many things, but the music has been such a life saver for me.

I am looking forward to some more time passing. I just cannot say how much. Today, one of my friends had a very interesting comment for me. I know that these days are difficult and trying; I was told that I have to be careful about not being alienated when all of this is done. Oh, things just get better and better. Nightmares like this are just so bad to begin with but to combine them with all of the emotions that chemo has stirred up and the insecurities that I have been feeling is just a little much. I know that I can handle this and I have to be very careful about just what I need to pick. I feel very vulnerable. I realize that my emotions are not trustworthy and what others say may get to me more than what I might give them credit for. Today, I have felt that the walk has gotten just that much more lonelier. I cannot just say that it is going to be a huge touch-a-thon or hug-a-thon and allow these intense emotions to be invalidated. I have to really be careful and just set my feet once again.

Pushing on. Pressing on. What else on?

The night comes

I am concerned that now as night draws, how will I sleep. I have communicated once again about my feelings and I am left with incredible doubt about what to do next. While I am preparing for the week, I am looking forward to the weekend. I have another appointment with Chemo this week and wondering how things are going to be after this treatment. I am also concerned about how this upcoming weekend will be with church.

Why am I allowing myself to undergo this when it appears to be very painful and stressful on me? Because it is necessary. I am very scared at the options that I have and to just relinquish myself to this beast of an individual and the legacy that was left behind is not me. I am terrified! The prospect of going on Sunday is really bothering me. I really, really want to avoid but how do I? I have to gain some consistency and just stick to my guns. I need to stop messing around and just stay consistent. But, I cannot; for whatever, reason, I cannot. I am terrified at the prospect of touching. When I sit down, I am stuck and I cannot run for cover when people want to come to me. I do know that I am not going to be making myself available and for whatever reason some might think of me, I must get toughened up again. This is just the pits!

What do I tell others? I do not know, but I know that I will have to think of something. This nightmare really got to me more than I would like to say.

I hate nightmares. It has just lingered. I hate lingering.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Lingering on?

Moving forward

Ok, yesterday was an interesting day. I got hugs. I actually had to ask about being "bold". Are you going to be bold? Are you saying that you need a hug? Are you going to be bold? ARE YOU GOING TO BE BOLD? D had no idea what was going on. This whole area is just something that is very strange to me. For such a long time, these things have been buried and now that they have been stirred up, I am not entirely sure how to react. I do not want any false securities; however, I do not want to be left alone in a desolate wasteland to just fonder on my own. I know that I cannot fodder on my own. I will not fodder on my own.

For so long, my emotions have been so rocky and tumultuous. I wonder what kind of person that people see when I am at my weakest. I hate being at my weakest because I cannot rely upon the strength that I need to have. Again, when I share my thoughts, the fear of judgment comes and I feel as though the challenge comes at me again.

I felt accepted. I felt as though no one cared and no one was all that bothered. I do not want to hold on to feelings that should not exist--I do not want this bedfellow. I know that I want to sleep alone on this one. This existence has been with me for a long time and getting to know some different ways is going to be unique and challenging. I was afraid of the judgment that I would get when I "shared". I can honestly say that sharing has been nothing less than difficult and has sent me on a journey that I had never expected to have in my life. But, I do realize that it is necessary. I have cried--I hate crying. I have relied--I hate relying. I have asked--I hate asking. I have leaned upon--oh, I really hate leaning upon. I have waited. I am not good at waiting. I have invited--oh, how scary. I am navigating in uncharted areas and this is quite the area that I had never expected to go.

I have become vulnerable. This is why I was raped. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and did not trust my intuition and my instincts. I am scared and concerned that I might not be able to read some situations right. My angst is high and my thoughts are very much so awkward. But, I do know that what I am willing to undergo is nothing less than painful and full of uncertainty.

I am willing. I am not eager, but I am willing. I am hesitant and uncertain about the endpoint because it is an area that I am not familiar with. I want changes. Changes will happen. I want to be able to touch hand to hand without freaking out. I want to be able to touch without nightmares. I want to be able to be in a group of individuals and not feel like I have to escape into the next county. I want to be able to move on and not feel as though I have to explain everything. I want to simply be and not worry. It will happen.

But, I slept horribly again. The feelings that were tossed in my mind and my heart were too much. I think that I have overdone it and have pressed in too much. I have the incredible feeling of closed in again and do not want to be around much. I realize that these are my emotions and they do not serve me well. I am looking forward to a little more accuracy on this. In the meantime, I am going to have to relax a little and not press in so much. I have noticed that the only time I can really touch is when I have to be that bold and it really creates an issue for me. I am looking forward to this being less of an issue and more relaxing. I have noticed too, that the object of my possession are hands. It is not necessarily the aspect of touching, but hands. It were hands that created the attack; it is the hands that I avoid with much of everything. I am going to press on to understanding more.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Not escaping.

Last night

After posting and getting to bed, I had had a nightmare. This nightmare was something straight from the pit of hell! I have been working hard on regaining some ground on feeling less shame but this was the topper for the night. I realize that the shame of rape has been buried very deep and has many scars. I have triggered this by discussing anger and to some degree about fear. These emotions seem to be very congruent--shame, anger, hatred and guilt. Now that I know what these evil things are, I can address them accordingly. I know that I must get past the ability to be touched and to touch in return. I know that I have nothing to be ashamed of, but these feelings are very strong. These feelings were so strong last night that I could not sleep very well. I had tossed and turned all night. It almost felt as though it was actually happening but I know that my mind got away with me.

I have been working very hard to get past my issue of touching. But, last night, it just seemed that the issue has many fail-safe mechanisms and my mind was playing tricks on me. Seems that no matter how hard that I try, it comes back to haunt me. I want to get past this and I will find that door and I will get the key and I will burn it down!

Pushing on. Pressing on. Burning down the house!