And the beat goes on

For the most part, the week has been moving along well. I have been tired and I have been leary about going to bed. I have been waking up with thoughts for the upcoming day and ready to tackle what may lay ahead. My hump day is coming--Thursday. This will mark the day that Sunday will be my day of rest; however, there is always something to be gotten done.

Since my family has been here, it has been nice. I have only seen them twice now and will be seeing them again on Friday. It has been nice to be able to lose the bandanna and not worry about judgment or any additional thoughts. There has been nothing but total acceptance and a very wide comfort zone. It feels so good to have no concern about being touched or feeling like I need to escape. I had realized this week that there are only a handful of people who know the details of the rape. Certainly, anyone reading this blog does. But, of those that I have spoken intimately--only two. Of my immediate family, there are two. When I shared the details with my cousin, her strength and resolve were what I had expected. I had kept that from her for all of these years. I have shared with her that my comfort zone has been really challenged and she was not sure what I meant. And, of course, I had a meltdown with her. That was so good. There is nothing like family to be able to sob and to be completely unglued that makes things feel so much better. I was even able to show her my incisisions and she was able to touch them without creating in me the feeling of needing to run or escape. I had told her that she should always touch me no matter what. She did say that she would; I had reiterated that she had better touch me regardless. There are only a few people that can get away with that--she is one! But, she lives so far away. Who will be my resident touchmaster? I love how she touched my head and kissed it. I love that she said I looked cute! The soothing words of family and a cousin will always be the best medicine. What will I do when she leaves?

I am curious when I will be able to just walk around without the bandanna. It is overwhelming enough for everyone at church to know what is going on let alone have no head covering. The whole idea gives me an anxiety attack! I do not really care for any to touch my head like my family can. That will be off limits. But, I do realize that my inability to be touched by many is a huge obstacle for me. I want to get beyond this. But, I am also aware that I must take my time. I hope that others will understand. This is something that I am working hard on. But, in all honesty, I really do not want to work on. I like the bubble for the time being. There is a security there that is not with other emotions.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Securing on.