And what is next

I have been working today to get many things done. Considering that I have little to not help with chores, I am the only person to get things done. I am happy today that I was the only one doing that. I have been battling flashbacks today and it has been quite a bit to keep me focused on what chores I have needed to be gotten done. After I got home, I was able to take a nap and get some sleep from the long week. Just the same, I am preparing for church. I have been comfortable with my personal zone and am not looking forward to having many approach when they have no idea what I am going through. Last weekend, I was so tired that I was not able to make service. I love going to church. But, I have to say that I am very happy to say that my comfort zone was not impeached. This week, I am very concerned.

I have been experiencing fear today. I am uncertain about what to expect and what there is to be experienced. I have been rehearsing in my mind what will happen when I arrive at the church and who will want to touch and get close. I am only working so much to get things done; I am not sure how much I will be able to withstand. I know that I will not be able to handle much and I do not want to get into a panic/anxiety attack. I have been experiencing these this week with anticipation that I will be trapped in with a lot of people. I know that there is a certain amount of anxiety and panic from not wanting to be exposed to people that might make me sick. This is tough for me.

I am looking forward to some more conversations as well. I need to get some things ironed out. There is a lot going on and I am afraid that if anyone asks me how things are, I will be having a meltdown. When I spoke with G today, he was good to relieve me of some emotion. But, there are some that will really compromise me and I will need to take control of the conversation before I loose it. I have not had a melt-down in several weeks and I am not looking forward to one tomorrow. I am going to focus on not having a meltdown, but if I do, I am going to be needing to keep it private and away. I do not want anyone to know. This will make things more difficult.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.