Walking slowly

Today has been a day that I have had to force myself to keep busy. I have found myself in tears from being too tired. Although my self-talk is positive and encouraging, I do not feel that way. I know that what I feel has little bearing on what I actually feel; however, I am very tired. I have battled all week with flashbacks and got very little sleep last night from these. Too, my hot flashes have not helped and I have worked diligently to stay comfortable. One thing that I have have been very successful to do is to remain positive and focused. My exhaustion level is very consistent and I cannot say how much I would love to be able to get some quality sleep.

I have felt a lot of emotion stirring up that I have been wrestling with--anger and bitterness. I have discussed this before and will be discussing it more. I have realized that these feelings are quite comparative and my perceptions are skewed. I have been feeling quite angry that I am not entirely a whole person; rather, I am a stained person that will not see things the same again for some time. I know that many other women around me must be experiencing the same thing with respect to their assault and violation. Today, I have felt very aware of these things. As I have been working on overcoming the feeling of being touched, I am aware that these feelings are those that I must take control over. I am becoming more choosy about which stores to frequent and to which tellers to stay with. I choose them intently. I am aware that I have a "zone" and I am very comfortable to remain in that. I am too tired to be working on getting out of it and choose to remain where I am for the time being. I am comfortable with this area. I am becoming more aware that I am becoming more sensitive to things. I know that I still am feeling that I do not want to be touched. This is becoming a certainty more and more. I am choosy as to who may touch me and when. However, when I am touched, I am wiped and keeping my resolve is very important.

This anger and resentment that I am struggling with has been tiring me. I do not want to be rude or obnoxious; however, there are some events that I have to address that have been making me release this energy. I have been very much so welcoming the energy from it. However, I am very tired.

I have been confessing as well that the LORD has my heart. I am also trying not to worry about my emotions so much because HE is my heart. I know that I can relax in HIM. Experiencing the feelings of not being touched is quite ok for this time.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Feeling on.