For the most part, this week has been moving along like I have expected. I have had sleepless nights from hot flashes and my "head days" are doing ok. I have had some flashbacks, but I have been very diligent to have excellent self-discussion. I have been experiencing some loneliness and some general insecurities that I usually experience after chemo. But this week, I have been a little dry; I was not able to make it to church and to get to see other people. In the same aspect, I have been very grateful that I have not been able to see many too. I do not like having to show my complete range of emotions in front of others when my trust does not seem to be evident. Trusting others with my emotional display is very trying. I do not care to explain my thoughts to many if any. Today, I was told that I was "coming out of my shell". Whatever that may mean. I have never thought that I was in a shell; rather that I have been very good to keep my personal issues from others. I stand my ground with that. I do not care to have many know the personal things that are very challenging. But, then again, when I think about the personal issues that vex me, I need to have a good balance as to what can be shared and with whom. Trust is always at the gates and that will always be a decidant factor.
I feel that there is a time coming again that my "shell" will be fortified again. I feel that I have been far too emotional and I do not know what to do with all of this emotion. I know that the chemo has a great amount to contribute to my emotional roller-coaster and from that point, I am working hard to keep my center and focus. These emotions that I have been experiencing have been unsteady and cannot be trusted. No matter what, I do realize that things are going to be ok and that I am experiencing normal emotions. I am very excited as well that what I have been understanding about my emotions is a great journey. I know what to expect and I know how to address them.
One aspect that I did not expect to kick in was that I do not care to have anyone walk behind me. I am more aware of my "rear flanks". I really am feeling quite walled in when I have some people walk behind me. I am also careful about doors being open and an escape route if necessary. I am still working through the idea of this "face-to-face" and that has been stirring me up quite a bit. I have been working a lot of self-talk about it and it is not helping. But! My SOS is kicking in and this has been helping me out quite a bit. I am looking forward to putting this into action. I am curious....
I know that as I walk around and maneuver myself among others, I am still very aware of my comfort zone. I still do not want to be touched by many and I still do not care to be placed in a situation that I might need to just take off. What my anxieties are with respect to this are many. I am working diligently to be more comfortable with others; however, I am still very aware that this will be a very exhausting event. I am trying very hard; however, it seems that certain days make no difference at all. The mere anticipation of something very compromising can be enough.
Pressing on. Pushing on. Putting on.
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