For the first time in a long time, I have explained what the life of a rape victim is. Rape is ugly. It has a stain that is left behind that is not like any other. For any person who says that the rape did not effect them, is in denial. Rape effects everyone. The manner of rape effects the person in degrees--violent, date associated, drug induced, stranger, non-stranger or even family member. Any one of these scenarios create so much emotional deficiency that must be addressed. If the assailant is known, interpersonal relationships are challenging. Much the same, when the assailant is not known, the emotions are so much deeper and complicated. Either way, victimization is nonetheless important to deal with. All interpersonal relationships are challenged. Shame, guilt, trust, suspicion, avoidance, emotional bartering, separatism and more are just some aspects of how rape can begin touching the depths of the injured soul. There is no quick fix and being told to just "get over it" is nothing shy of impossible. Many people do not understand what it means to be raped and so providing words of comfort is easily misconstrued.
For the most part, many women do not report their rape. They do not because of how the criminal justice system seems to rape them all over again. Discussing the events and details of rape in a courtroom setting creates the perception of being violated all over again. Having to go through the examination, tests, assessments and the process of establishing the crime is more injurious. Experiencing the violation is one thing, sharing it with strangers is another.
Many choose to keep it quiet and not tell anyone. This is so very harmful. Behavior changes when we internalize our emotions and do not include others in the experience. This is not always easy and everyone's experience is unique and must be treated as such. As for myself, I was date raped. I did not go to the authorities because there was not enough DNA material to be used--he did not leave anything behind because he was becoming impotent. Date rape is the hardest thing to ever prove because an established relationship creates doubt that a violation occurred. This is one thing that the criminal justice system does poorly to protect in. So, in the long-run, suffering begins and creates emotional deficiencies. Many suffer in the same way and yet so differently. It is not uncommon to hear about suicide; self-injurious behavior (cutting, self-abuse, multiple forms of self-harm); over compensation (exercising, obsessive compulsive behaviors); eating disorders; substance abuse; criminal behavior; family troubles (divorce, marital difficulties, sexual dysfunction); anger management and even more.
What is the cure? How can it be prevented? That is difficult to say because the emotional dysfunction of the assailant often times goes without notice. Violation is violation. No matter where a man or woman places themselves, NO means NO. There is no reason why someone should ever harm another. In some aspects, there are two victims--the assailant and the victim. It is argued that the assailant may be the first victim and was never cared for at the time of the original assault. Just the same, we all need to be protected. Looking back after all of these years, I can see so many things and can understand what was going on. I suppose this is a huge part of forgiveness.
The stain that I have been experiencing is what many have already. For many, the events of the rape can be stirred once again through locked memories. This can be activated at any time and through any event, comment, smell, touch, situation or string of events; it can happen frequently, infrequently, rarely or just so minimal that it is almost unnoticeable. Just the same, the events of rape can be revisited. Many do not understand that. It is part of our walk and something that is very intertwined in our souls. Can this be removed? Can this be diminished? I believe so. But, a lot of hard work must be invested. The unsung heros that come along side us must be willing.
To all of those unsung heros, I appreciate you.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Understanding on.
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