Still continuing

Well, this is now a week after the nightmare. This past seven days have been filled with so much. I have had so many stressful events that have kept me occupied with other things. As I have been assessing my emotions, thinking about the events that my emotions are linked to, I can honestly say that I do feel odd all over again. I remember having a nightmare like this once before that set me at odds with myself. This odd feeling makes me feel separated from everyone that any trauma would. I feel as though I was traumatized all over again but with a different twist--the twist is of foreknowledge. This twist was of "I have experienced this before, and get ready, it is going to be just like the last time." Although I have had to take an incredible amount of time to talk to myself about the nightmare, it is still very familiar to me. I am having to tell myself throughout the day that it was just a dream and that it was not an actual event. At times, I can feel my breathing change and remind myself that it was just a dream and that life does continue in the stead. My work schedule has not changed and my obligations have gotten no significant change. I am still able to cope with my daily events and look forward to getting several more weeks past me to feel very comfortable about these feelings.

I really hate nightmares like this. They change me for a season. In times past, no one would have ever known about these emotions. I would carry these emotions very quietly and just work through them to the best of my ability. I remember the days that I would leave church and walk around the parking lot just crying or talking to myself or just trying to stay in motion while I was having a difficult time. Before, I would try and sing. Now, I have an MP3 player and I can just plug in and let the music soothe my soul. For the most part, this is what has been helping me through this difficult time. I am very thankful for many things, but the music has been such a life saver for me.

I am looking forward to some more time passing. I just cannot say how much. Today, one of my friends had a very interesting comment for me. I know that these days are difficult and trying; I was told that I have to be careful about not being alienated when all of this is done. Oh, things just get better and better. Nightmares like this are just so bad to begin with but to combine them with all of the emotions that chemo has stirred up and the insecurities that I have been feeling is just a little much. I know that I can handle this and I have to be very careful about just what I need to pick. I feel very vulnerable. I realize that my emotions are not trustworthy and what others say may get to me more than what I might give them credit for. Today, I have felt that the walk has gotten just that much more lonelier. I cannot just say that it is going to be a huge touch-a-thon or hug-a-thon and allow these intense emotions to be invalidated. I have to really be careful and just set my feet once again.

Pushing on. Pressing on. What else on?