Trusting for what lies ahead

While listening to all of my music today, I am encouraged that I must trust for all of my needs. This has been something that I must continue to tell myself because this day has already been a challenging head day. I have been experiencing many tumultuous thoughts and feelings. I know that these thoughts are not accurate and I should not pay any attention to them; however, they are coming strong and hard. I have had to fight these feelings already so early in the day.

I simply do not trust. This is a door that has been open for some time. It seems that this door moves all around like a wiggly worm. I hate that these feelings seem so deep. I do not trust people walking behind me; it bothers me significantly. The thought of getting a back rub, shoulder rub, pat on the shoulder--anything--seems to set me ablaze. I do not trust that what I ask is respected; however, I must learn to know. I do not trust that the relationships that I have been developing with others is going to be a lasting and fulfilling relationship. A lack of trust creates so much insecurity and a lot of walls are put up in the stead.

This is one aspect of assault that really hurts the most. To be able to move on to better things, trust must be developed. It is hard for me to develop quality relationships if I perceive that these relationships are going to be lost before they even have a chance to develop. Too, walls are put up that I do not care to have taken down any time soon. I see that I am asked to do some things that I just am having a time battling. The flashbacks are really messing with my mind and I am working hard to avoid people and places and I am happy to do so, but I know that I should not. I do not want to continue to keep "sharing" with some people, but I know that I must. Some additional people are being added to all of this and I am terrified of some of the outcomes. It is strange to see that "strangers" will learn more about you and it must come with the idea that these tidbits of information are kept private and solitary. Entertaining the thoughts of someone else knowing is hard. Getting close to the event of sharing is terrifying for me. I want to run and hide but I know that I should not. Knowing that these events are coming has been pressing in on my emotions! The flashbacks and nightmares are triggering a fight or flight response and I am working hard to work myself through it.

I am finding, too, that I am bartering more. "I will do this, if you do this...". I am working hard at my emotions but it seems that the harder the work, the more things are compromised. I know that I must continue forward.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Moving on.