This week has been especially difficult in so many ways. This week marks the season of so many flashbacks and nightmares that have been a curse to me. I have had these before but they have been so far away and have only lasted for just a short time. But with these come an attitude that I have not cared to have. What is very frustrating is that this has been witnessed by just so few and when company is needed, it is not there. My visiting family has left and so has the immediate support. I was asked yesterday what have I been doing for myself. Well, the usual--homework, housework, work and more work. What is there to do for myself? When it is very important to have someone listen and understand it is not always there. I was pleased this week that I was actually understood; yes, PTSD is not fun. Although mildly affected, it does affect me just the same.
It is good to know that my feelings are real and they are nonetheless very serious to me. These feelings of not wanting to be touched and solitude are very significant. I am beginning to understand my emotions all that much more and it is quite liberating that I do not need to be explaining myself to others. One thing that I was reminded of was that "please do not tell me how to feel" is quite ok. I am beginning to understand that not many understand what is going on. Vets are not the only ones that can experience PTSD. This is experienced by victims of violent and traumatic events. The trauma is imprinted in me and I must be aware of how these feelings can emerge and how they change me. I am more blunt, have more anger at times, feel more insecure, and the loneliness can be frustrating. The shame is deep and I have quite a bit to just keep my peace. I know that this is just for a short time and I will be better.
Pressing on. Pushing on. Reminding on.
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