And uncertainty remains

I was reading a journal article today for school and the first thing that the article stated was that "rape is a horrifying experience". Yes, it is. What it leaves behind is trauma that many do not understand. I was reminded about many emotions today as I had to work through the day and some personal chores. I feel uncertain about some things. What I know is that my days are long and involved. I know that these emotions are playing havoc with my heart and I am getting aware of just how much it is causing. I am finding myself more alert to some things going on around me and there are other things that I just feel that I will tackle for another day. My flashbacks are staying pretty much the same and that is ok. Understanding them is the biggest battle.

In this 2002 article, it was stated that nearly 500,000 rapes and sexual assaults are reported by women yearly. This is staggering. Yet there is little mention of people like me that will not report the rape for lack of evidence or it being a date rape. This article continues to go on about how rape trauma can be worked through. As I have looked through it, I can see just what I have been doing all these years and that it has been what I have been supposed to be doing all this time.

I especially have been very intrigued about how it is suggested that the survivor move toward exposure. I have been doing this for years and have been pushing myself to circumstances and to move toward "getting beyond" this all. The days where events or places are so difficult that I could cry have come. There are times when going into certain buildings does not bother me; however, the prospect of going to certain offices bothers me significantly. Sometimes the smell of things can trigger some uncomfortable feelings that I did not care to have. Yet, I press on. Real-life situations can be hard at times; but, not all the time. There are certain circumstances that I choose not to engage in.

As I continue to learn more about what vexes me, I am very pleased that there is a lot of information for me to read. I am excited.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Learning more.