Today, I had a very fun day. Certainly, there are many ways to describe some of the days that I have had but fun is not always on the top of that list. Today, I had been experiencing so many things to laugh about it has been quite a bit of a relief. I have cried so much (for me) and it is getting so old. Depending upon the person asking, I could fall into tears without a problem. But for the most part, I hate being asked "how are you doing". Why is it that people just do not get it?
Just the same, my anxiety have been up at an all-tine high knowing that certain circumstances are coming. I will be working more closely with my Pastor for "conversation" and that terrifies me to no end. It is not the conversation so much that terrifies me; rather, it is the feeling of being enclosed in a place that is outside of my comfort zone. Since all of the nightmares and the flashbacks have been happening, I have been experiencing a very interesting range of emotions. Knowing that some places will trigger some of these events is hard enough; experiencing them is another things altogether.
But, today, I have to say that I have experienced something very funny and exciting. I was shown, through prayer, that the way to counter all of the anxiety that I have in association with the upcoming face-to-face, I should change my personal paradigm and imagine Pastor in another way--to focus on a different set of amusing events that I would only understand the humor. So, I did. I had my own emotional SOS and it was wonderful! I knew this! I did, but it was on time with respect to my personal anxiety. This is the purpose of changing my personal understanding and to apply to myself my own Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I love it! The idea of meeting face-to-face seems a little more do-able right now and that is very good. I had later seen Pastor at a local department store and it was such a peaceful visit. Now, I do not know how that will be in later weeks when he gets back to his official capacity; but, I am able to say that I am a little more willing to address some things. I have argued with the LORD about many things and meeting face-to-face is a little more easy to say.
Most of the reason why I cannot handle the face-to-face is that this triggers so many anxious emotions and flashbacks that have occurred. I am looking forward to these not having as much of an impact with me. Tomorrow is chemo #4. I am not all that thrilled and I am not looking forward to experiencing any possible flashbacks this weekend. I am looking forward to some peace and quiet though.
I am looking forward to my SOS just the same. It will be so much fun!
Pushing on. Pressing on. SOS on!
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