After posting and getting to bed, I had had a nightmare. This nightmare was something straight from the pit of hell! I have been working hard on regaining some ground on feeling less shame but this was the topper for the night. I realize that the shame of rape has been buried very deep and has many scars. I have triggered this by discussing anger and to some degree about fear. These emotions seem to be very congruent--shame, anger, hatred and guilt. Now that I know what these evil things are, I can address them accordingly. I know that I must get past the ability to be touched and to touch in return. I know that I have nothing to be ashamed of, but these feelings are very strong. These feelings were so strong last night that I could not sleep very well. I had tossed and turned all night. It almost felt as though it was actually happening but I know that my mind got away with me.
I have been working very hard to get past my issue of touching. But, last night, it just seemed that the issue has many fail-safe mechanisms and my mind was playing tricks on me. Seems that no matter how hard that I try, it comes back to haunt me. I want to get past this and I will find that door and I will get the key and I will burn it down!
Pushing on. Pressing on. Burning down the house!
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