Moving forward

Ok, yesterday was an interesting day. I got hugs. I actually had to ask about being "bold". Are you going to be bold? Are you saying that you need a hug? Are you going to be bold? ARE YOU GOING TO BE BOLD? D had no idea what was going on. This whole area is just something that is very strange to me. For such a long time, these things have been buried and now that they have been stirred up, I am not entirely sure how to react. I do not want any false securities; however, I do not want to be left alone in a desolate wasteland to just fonder on my own. I know that I cannot fodder on my own. I will not fodder on my own.

For so long, my emotions have been so rocky and tumultuous. I wonder what kind of person that people see when I am at my weakest. I hate being at my weakest because I cannot rely upon the strength that I need to have. Again, when I share my thoughts, the fear of judgment comes and I feel as though the challenge comes at me again.

I felt accepted. I felt as though no one cared and no one was all that bothered. I do not want to hold on to feelings that should not exist--I do not want this bedfellow. I know that I want to sleep alone on this one. This existence has been with me for a long time and getting to know some different ways is going to be unique and challenging. I was afraid of the judgment that I would get when I "shared". I can honestly say that sharing has been nothing less than difficult and has sent me on a journey that I had never expected to have in my life. But, I do realize that it is necessary. I have cried--I hate crying. I have relied--I hate relying. I have asked--I hate asking. I have leaned upon--oh, I really hate leaning upon. I have waited. I am not good at waiting. I have invited--oh, how scary. I am navigating in uncharted areas and this is quite the area that I had never expected to go.

I have become vulnerable. This is why I was raped. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and did not trust my intuition and my instincts. I am scared and concerned that I might not be able to read some situations right. My angst is high and my thoughts are very much so awkward. But, I do know that what I am willing to undergo is nothing less than painful and full of uncertainty.

I am willing. I am not eager, but I am willing. I am hesitant and uncertain about the endpoint because it is an area that I am not familiar with. I want changes. Changes will happen. I want to be able to touch hand to hand without freaking out. I want to be able to touch without nightmares. I want to be able to be in a group of individuals and not feel like I have to escape into the next county. I want to be able to move on and not feel as though I have to explain everything. I want to simply be and not worry. It will happen.

But, I slept horribly again. The feelings that were tossed in my mind and my heart were too much. I think that I have overdone it and have pressed in too much. I have the incredible feeling of closed in again and do not want to be around much. I realize that these are my emotions and they do not serve me well. I am looking forward to a little more accuracy on this. In the meantime, I am going to have to relax a little and not press in so much. I have noticed that the only time I can really touch is when I have to be that bold and it really creates an issue for me. I am looking forward to this being less of an issue and more relaxing. I have noticed too, that the object of my possession are hands. It is not necessarily the aspect of touching, but hands. It were hands that created the attack; it is the hands that I avoid with much of everything. I am going to press on to understanding more.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Not escaping.