Now I know what may come ... it has arrived

Now, I know what comes my way. It has come. Last week, I was able to discuss with PM about things. It has been a couple weeks since my last post. I have been somewhat busy. Finals and all that wonderful stuff. But, nothing so incredibly impacting than what was said last week. Yes, I am forward and outspoken. Yes, I say what is on my mind. Yes, the past couple of years have been incredible for me. In November, I had sent one of the final emails of honesty and heart wrenching thoughts to both PM and PD. This has been it. I knew something was on the way and now I know. Last week, after all of this, there has been a parting of the ways. I was told, last week, that HLCC can no longer "meet my needs". 

What can I say about all of this? What have I been saying about all of this from the beginning? "You need to share" is what I remember that started all of this and I had responded with "you cannot handle my share". Yes, I was outspoken. No, I did not hold my tongue. Pushed and pressed, I have said what I have said. What gets me to no end was that at this point, PM wanted "all of us" to meet at the office and to discuss this. Well, it was going to be a three to one meeting. No. I can hardly see that happening. I cannot see that this is something that would be making me happy or comfortable. But, to make matters better, "I can email you with the issues". Certainly, I do not plan to have that emailed to me. It matters to me no more. So, I did email him to let him know that it did not matter what was going on and that I wished him the best in the events of HLCC. It was his suggestion that he email me with the issues because I communicate better online than I do face-to-face. 

As I look back, I look at what has been going on. Yes, you know everything that has been going on and of course, there are things that will always be seen easier. My thoughts are running through my heart in ways that I cannot express. I was leery about many things and I was uncertain about things. "Trust me." Why? Sharing what I have been sharing is not easy. It is not something that I particularly care to have many around me, close to me, to know. I have hid these things for a very long time and I have been certain about so many things; now, I am certain about even more. Caution must be emphasized when addressing all of this with anyone else. 

Now, I go to church in the adjacent county. I was told that the current church is not the place for me. What are the issues? You can imagine--texting, calling, emailing. Oh, yea. I did tell PM and PD that the policies of the church were not good and too rigid and that they needed to change. Yes, I was forward and ballsy. But, I will not change in that regard. I have been told many things and I have said many things. These things are not going to be apologized for any time soon. 

I know that I must continue to work on many things and will not stop. Yes, the past several months have been most difficult and must not be something that will stop me from wanting to move forward with. I have seen so much the past couple of years that no one should ever have to go through. But, even more so, there are things that I will not ever stop believing. There are things that I am more determined to complete than ever. Yes, I will consider visiting time to time, but not anytime soon. I must be willing to deal with what has been done and to move forward without hatred or animosity. That is not what it is all about.

Believing. Pushing. Pressing in. 

Something this way comes ... and I am not sure

Something this way comes ... and I am not sure what it is. For the longest time, I have worked very diligently on many things. This you already know. I have discussed some very intricate things that I would not just share with anyone. So many now are here for the long ride. So, now, this means that I am walking into something that I have been unfamiliar with. I can do this. I have many that are understanding that life after rape is not easy. There is always questions and doubts and confusions. I seem to always be guessing at things going on. I wonder about things so much. I know ... it is my own inner insecurity. Always expending energy about who to trust; what to say; how to say it; wondering if it should be said. But, I have to admit that I am very thankful for what has been going on in the meantime. No. I am not an alcoholic. No. I am not a substance abuser. No. I do not practice self-harm. No. I am safe.

So? What is it then? This constant battle of insecurity. I have discussed anger and hatred and touching and so much. But, I have not really discussed my insecurity. There are things that are recognizably difficult for me and I have pushed through the whole bit of it. I am pressing in with the most of my effort.

The most recent events with PD and PM are at my constant threshold. It matters to me what some may think regarding some matters; for the most part, some not at all. But, I am willing and able to see it through. I know, for the greater part of things, that to share these things means that I am willing to open up and discuss the greatest of these things. I am working to process through my own matters and my own inner difficulties. I am doing it and I am willing to continue. Since my event with PD, it is recognizable that I do not care to be touched. It is very evident that I do not care to have someone that close again for a bit. The matters of personal closeness in proximity and emotional discourse are directly linked. It is a matter of feeling vulnerable. So, I realize that I must accept that things create vulnerability in me and that it is ok to be so. It is ok to have my feelings hurt and to have things said. Now, what do I do with that? What accountability do I have with respect to my own internal turmoil? This is my crux. So, the handbook suggests many things. One of which is art. Creating collages and the like has been introduced as a means to be able to artisticly discuss my thoughts. The collages that were made were very interesting. In the handbook, there were collages made with a lot of sexual theme. One of which I remember were panties. Although I am not willing to create a collage with this theme any time soon, I do realize and recognize that the artistic communication is really important. So, how do I artistically express my inability to hug? or touch? or be close to someone? This will be a challenge for me that I am willing to wait and see how that turns out.

My responsibility. My accontability. I hope to not avoid. I am working on eye contact. I am working on proximity. I am working on not retreating into my own world. However, I do not want verbal abuse. I am concerned about that. I am working on not placing myself in a postion of such a thing; however, I am not responsible for someone having a bad day. And this is something that I do not understand. Men do not know how to apologize. Women have a better way of conveying remorse. So, then, how do I draw that out of PD? We shall see.

I am continuing. I am working dilligently. I am seeking. I am looking. I am asking. I am waiting. It will happen; I know it will.

Today I am continuing again

Today has been a day that I have been looking back at the past year once again. The days are hard and difficult, but I am bound and determined to continue forward. This time last year, the events of everything were becoming very overwhelming. Sure, the chemo was done and the radiation was complete, but the household was being torn up. Closeness? No. I have no closeness. The season has brought back a lot of memories. Not all that good and not all that I would like to remember.

There was an event that happened this past week that has made me think things all over again. I have addressed it once again. I am not sure if it is just the nature of what I am addressing or things that are just plain to see. Just the same, it is a matter again with PD. Last weekend, I sat, at church in an area where it was high traffic. Many people were going by and touching me. I was so profoundly challenged and I was being touched by so many. For such a long time, I have been doing very well with the touching and am very determined for many to not know my difficulty. But, it has been very difficult to not allow people to see my general discomfort or lack of desire to be touched. So, when PD was coming in to service, I was turning to see him and hoping to prevent him from touching me. Of course, that was what was going on. I turned, fell out of my chair, hit the floor and just walked out the back door. But, from that point, as I put my music back to my ear (that I had brought in) and started to walk out the back door. But, I could hear PD saying, "what is your problem" several times. I walked outside and he stated again, "what is your problem". I looked quietly at him and from that point, just simply stated that "I was having a difficult morning". At that point he looked at me and stated "you are lame". I waited for him to go back inside and then waited but just a few moments. While he was standing with N, I told him that what he said was by far inappropriate. I think that he said he was sorry. I went to get my belongings and left. I do not understand it. I waited the entire day, then the following day, I sent out an email. I called the following morning and we had spoken. It was apparent that things with him were very stressed. I could tell that his voice was broken. What is the problem with saying, "I am sorry for talking to you like I had done". There just does not seem to be any idea of others apologizing. But, regardless, I am lost now how to proceed. He says that he had  thought that I did not respect him; I had to express to him that it was a misconception. Now, this is leaving me wondering about more things. Seems that I am always wondering about things. 

Perhaps I should be more specific? I have emailed PM and PD numerous times. I am working diligently on being anything other than ... this frustrates me. So, because of the holiday season, I choose to not return back to church at HLCC for the month. I will be heading to the mother church--BHW. I will be attending someplace else for the time being. I have asked and asked. TA took some time to let PM that I was having some difficulties about things. No one has called me or other. But then again, I am noted for my long and irritating emails. I am so determined about things. But, what is very difficult is just accepting the silence. 

I am determined. This is going to be a very long and difficult month. I am working diligently to get through the bad memories. I am looking forward to the new year.

Looking forward. Looking ahead. Looking beyond. 

Facing forward without

This past week, things have been very familiar. Earlier in the week, PD gave it up. I know that it was coming and it was with a lot of duress that this occurred. I am frustrated. I am angry and I am with complete resolve that this journey that I have set myself on will not stop or be prevented. For the last several weeks, I have been challenged with many things in my day-to-day things. One thing, in particular, has been with the aspect of being asked something that appeared to me to be taunting--"V or V?" So, you can tell by now that I will not be stopped with respect to my resolve. I will not be stopped.

Although this happened to me 20 years ago, I have never felt that I have been a victim. Certainly, I have moved on to other things and am willing to be challenged in many respects. But, with many things, yet, I cannot be challenged. It aggravates me what others think of me at times; other times, not at all. I do not care to be criticized with respect to my efforts of wellness. While others may not understand or appreciate what I have been doing, I cannot stop and cannot allow what others may not understand to be my undoing. I will continue.

I will continue. What the meaning of things are to me is what I plan on continuing with. I will continue to define them to to continue to keep an eye on my own behavior. I pray that someone else will come along and we will work this together. In the meantime, I am here and I am working on my difficulties with quietness and meekness. I know that I will be judged. I know that I will be harassed for what I believe; I will not be deterred.

What did this rape do to me? It really did create difficulties in relationships. While I walk around with all of this inside of me, I must be willing to accept that other will not understand what is going on. What angers me is that others who think that they can provide "help" are not qualified and want to do things according to their own agenda. This is wrong. It hurts and it is destructive. If these persons are not willing to get that training, then that assistance is more destructive. At this point in time, I feel further in some aspects than before. There are few who are qualified to help and provide assistance. Now, there is much more avoidance in my walk with others. I must be very careful to connect and to offer my thoughts carefully and prayerfully. I see in PM's face something that I detest. I see the personification of someone to be pitied. This angers me.

I know that I am not like others. Whether by the rape or by my own choices, I am different. I know that when I was raped, I did not belong like I had done before. It was like I was changed in the blink of an eye; but, I was the same. Today, I am a different woman. I do not accept things like I used to. I know that the cancer did a lot to me as well. But, to be told, "I am out" makes me sad. I felt as though someone ripped my heart out again. My issues of trust are placed in the valence once again. I hate this. I have worked so hard to go beyond this and now? I feel as though I cannot trust like I had moved out from. My heart is broken. Those individuals who think they are qualified, have a huge heart and good intentions may actually cause more harm than good. PD is one of those persons.

My next chore is to continue with what I have been willing to start with. It is continuing and I will continue to move forward.

Pressing in. Moving forward. Facing the wind.

The healing process continues

It has been a while since I have posted last. I do realize that much has been going on. School has started for me again and the process continues. I will not stop this process despite the difficutly it might bring me. I am learning and I will not stop.

The next sets of questions are going to be tackled.

16. What has prevented you (so far) from fully healing from your rape?

For the most part, I have answered this a long, long time ago. But, I am happy to address this once again. I had expressed that I would do this by myself. I would tackle this with both hands without the effort of anyone else. I had perceived, for far too long, that I could do this because there was no one available to help me with it. I was wrong. I was profoundly wrong. I was ashamed at the aspect of being raped and I did not want anyone to know that it had happened. It effected everything that I had done. But, most importantly, I did not realize how common rape was. Now, 20 years later, rape is very common. There are many men who think that it is ok for them to forceably take a woman and sexually abuse and assault her. Unfortunately, too many women, young and old, do not understand what it means to open up and understand that their assault was not their fault. I blamed myself for the assault and to some point, I still blame myself. I look forward to the day that I stop blaming myself and move onto more wellness.

I simply did not understand what was needed to be doing all of this. I did not have time to really think about what was necessary to feel well or to be walking in wellness. I have a right to walk in wellness and I had had a right to walk in wellness. I will press forward to my wellness.

To walk "fully" is not something that I can really fathom right now. I feel that there is such a place where this will never make me whole and that wholeness is more like holeness. I feel stained and I want to be able to feel that it will get better. I want to get to a place where this is not going to haunt me anymore. I look forward to being able to have more than just what  I have now. I want to understand "fully". It can happen and I want it to happen.

17. What good things (benefits) will happen for you if you work with your therapist/pastor about your rape?

This is an area where many do not want to go. I have been very concerned that this topic of discussion has not pushed him away. Not many understand the importance of this. Until purchasing this book, I did not realize how important this trek should be. All that much more, I feel that it is important. I felt that it was just a matter that I had done something wrong. No, I did not do anything wrong. I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, but I did not ask for this to happen. His mother was upstairs while all this was going on and this was very hard to understand.

Benefits? I want to be able to not have the thoughts in my mind of the assault. I do not want the vision of what I see in my thoughts. I hate feeling guilty for taking up time. I hate feeling out of control regarding all that I have had happen. I hate feeling that my insecurities are shameful and harmful. I hate being locked in a way that always wants to keep me safe. I hate compensating for what has been done.

18. Last question, part 1: are you willing to talk about this more with me (you therapist/pastor), even if it's tough?

I have been doing so and it has been tough. I have been sharing at the expense of having my Pastor walk away from this. PM was the first person. PD is the second person. But, the time devoted? I have felt so many emotions about all of this. First PM, then JC, then PM and now? I have no idea who to talk to. PM suggested that I talk to N. OH! NO!

Even though it is tough? I have shared the most personal with my Pastor and it has been with incredible difficulty. But, I can say one thing for certain. I have worked a long time to get past my attitudes. I have worked a long time to develop trust and for him to be the only one to be able to tell me how things are to be. I have worked a long time to develop trust and I do not want it violated or disrupted. I have discussed some very sensitive stuff. I have allowed my Pastor to read the beginning of these blogs. He does not read them anymore. He says that he has too much to do. I do understand.

But, I am uncertain about how things are progressing at this point. I wonder very much about him and his ability to continue thereafter. No matter what and no matter when, I will continue to move forward.  I may not be able to have him as my Face Man but I will always find a way to get this through.

Looking on. Pressing in. Facing forward.

Continuing within reason

There is much more to share with respect to all of this. Always. Regardless the content, I am working toward sharing and expressing my thoughts to the best of my ability. Continuing has been difficult in many aspects; I have been feeling the crunch of it all. But, as I have indicated in prior posts, I will not be deterred from this. It is far to important to me to not.

14. People who have been raped often find ways to prevent or "stuff" their emotions about what happened. Some people use drugs or alcohol, some may cut or hurt themselves, some have sex frequently with person they don't love, some become violent and "tough." What different behaviors have you used to stop your emotions about rape?

When I had read this, I had to literally stand in the mirror. When this had happened, I would cry, walk, and talk to other people about my difficulties. But because I was not understood or I had perceived that I was too intense or too much for people, I said that I would just keep it to myself and work my inner complexities myself and with the LORD. Sure, I would speak to JC time to time about things. But, I never had anticipated that I had so much hidden deep inside of me. I chose perfection. I chose to work hard on everything inside of me. I chose to make myself a better person by taking the time to take the time. What does that mean? I went to school. I continued to work on my goals and dreams and I continued to work on being so insecure and worried about what others thought of me. Frankly, I did not particularly care. I rationalized quite a bit and from there, just continued to not let outside things bother me.

I have never drank, done drugs, cut, or any self-injurious behavior. Perhaps working a lot was the issue. Then my kiddo came along and I had no to little choice about what I was supposed to be doing. I worked on me. But, along the way, I stayed to myself. I have not dated for a very long, long time. I had no intention of dating or cared to. I had been married twice before and from that point, said that I did not want to date anymore or to have any more men that I could not choose well with. "I do not have a good picker." My greatest deficit is that I have not dated. I have chosen not to and I do not plan to do so any time soon. Perhaps it has been lonely; but, I have chosen not to be close to another man. I have chosen not to be engaged in any relationship. I have never really thought of myself other than "slightly damaged goods" and so I have never anticipated being part of a relationship. PD had said to me that when this is all over, perhaps I might want to find someone to hold hands with. "No!" I emphatically said. If the reason why we are discussing this was because I would only be complete by having a "husband", then it is not for me. Then our conversations would be done and I would continue this walk of the journey by myself. Oddly enough, it seems that I will be chosing to do such.

The different behaviors that I might want to change from there is to be more open and inviting to others. As I look back, I have been inviting and welcoming, but I have been very staunch in the same regard. I have been working very hard on just being focused. I remember when I was dating A. This was in 1997 and I really had fallen for him. But, I was being taken advantage by him. I worked hard and he liked my rig, my income and liked to party. I took care of the bills and want-not. But, this is the issue. I would be attracted to men that were not attracted to me. At times, I have felt that I was "poor-white trash" when I was a single parent fighting with everything in me to stay afloat of bills and the kiddo. Then, I filled out paperwork for college and from there, ... well, here I am. I had said that I would never go through that again and he was the last person that I had dated. I have not dated since. It has been nearly 20 years since I have dated anyone. I just do not want to take any chances. The events of my life have been quite complicated and I simply do not want to add another person to the dynamics of my life. I would not find that fair. I have not prayed to have a husband nor do I care to ask about one. It is just not right or fair.

How can I change my emotion about the rape? For me, it happened 20 years ago. The behaviors that I am so accustomed to must be carefully picked at. I am not on an emotional hunting expedition; rather, I am looking forward to changing some behaviors that I know are very deep seated for me. The touching issue, for one. I also look forward to being able to be in a room with others without feeling so closed in. I will be working on that.

15. What question do you wish you could answer to yourself about your rape?

Why. I know this may seem quite common, but why? Why did this have to happen. I trusted him. And because of that, I do not trust being in a room with another man or by myself with another man or to trust my emotions with another man. I would like to know why this had to happen? Why is it that I could not stop this? Why was it that I just would not walk away? Now, I feel like this with PD and PM. Why is it that I just cannot walk away? This is much different. But, why is it that I just could not walk away? Why is it that I would go out in the car with him, hoping and believing that the date would go much better, hoping that the events of the night would not lead up to forced oral sex and then just get better? Why is it that I could not stop what was going on? Why is it that I would not just get out of the vehicle and ask for help? Why is it that this had to happen? Now, I do not trust what is going on with many. I do not open up and I do not allow myself to be placed in a situation where things could change. I simply do not trust. Now, with PD saying that he is here for me and "watching my back," I simply do not trust this. It is scary as all can be. Why? I do not want to continue and I am afraid of what is going to be coming up for me. I am afraid of doing this alone, but this has always been my concern. Doing this alone. I did not want to do chemo alone and for the most part, I have. I did not want to do any of this by myself and I have. What choice have I? Certainly, I cannot ask anyone to walk along with me. Not on this journey. No.

There are more questions to be asked. I will wait till the next time I post. I am getting quite emotional at the moment. I am concerned for one thing. I am concerned that I will be doing the next leg alone. I have been working very hard to figure so many events out and I have figured out two things: I am wondering about causes and I am wondering about how this has changed others who have said they would help. PM, for example, has been so changed in all of this. I have hated this tremendously. I believe that vicarious trauma has occurred. I believe that he has been injured in all of this--my diagnosis, chemo, radiation, the rape trauma, the kiddo. What else? What else can happen? I really do not want to think about it. I am concerned about so many things with respect to telling anyone else about my rape. Whenever the word "RAPE" is being used, it sends so much of a message to others. I do not want others to know about this. The only thing that I hear is "you need therapy." Ok. That is not why I have told you. That is not why I brought it up. The first thing that anyone says to me is: "have you gotten counseling". Well, I do not want to tell anyone if they look at me only as somone constantly in need. That just makes me not want to have anyone touch me all over again. If I am that disgusting to you, please, just stay away from me and do me a favor. DO NOT TOUCH ME! But, that will not do. I do not want to bring any more attention to myself than that which has already been done. I am working on one profound journey now. I do not want any attention drawn to me for the rape and I have to accept this walk again as my own.

I have accepted the fact that I have lost PM and now, I am willing to cut PD loose. I do not want to risk any more. This is something that I have been battling for some time. Since the death of my Deacon, my support system is lost. Or, I have perceived it to be lost. The widow, N, has a lot to be focusing on for herself. PM refuses to respond to me for anything and, he too, has lost a very important part of the church. PD has family in town and I am allowing this to be very quiet. I have expressed that he must be with family first before me. I cannot demand anything of his time. But, in this time, I have been thinking. PD does not believe that I have lost PM. In fact, PM has told me that all is "kool". But, this is before the death of D. Now, I think that this is just too much. What am I to believe? If I were to send him an email or to send him a text, it would not be responded to. What am I to think? How am I to proceed? What am I missing? Should I continue? I do not believe that I will continue. I must be brave and courageous about all of this. I must continue despite the odds.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Continuing despite the odds.

I shall not be faulted for continuing

While I have been reading this book, it has brought quite a bit of emotion up. I have been getting into the heart of matters and the ones that have been walking with me are getting tired. So, there is a point that will come when walking alone is going to come. But, it is ok. I know that I am strong enough to deal with some times when there is no one to be alongside. It is ok. I will not be afraid when I continue and I will not be faulted for wanting to continue. Sometimes, this may not be the most common thing to do; but, it is the right thing to do. Never give up. Never allow personal conflicts to stop you from doing what is right. Stay true to that course and never let outside events deter you from doing what is right. I will not. I will not be stopped and I will continue despite the course it takes me.

Today, I have felt quite alone. I have been wanting to call and speak to N but realize that her life is now in more turmoil than mine. Then, I feel quite a bit selfish. I wanted to talk to PD but personal events have it that he is unavailable. I wanted to talk to PM but that is no longer an option. Despite what I have been told, I do not believe that it is ever going to be an option. This past two years has tired him. Can I be faulted for this? I wrote a letter to KCM for some greater understanding. I hope that this will be far more clearer. I have been praying. In the meantime, I will continue with the questions. I will not allow conflict to prevent me from doing what is right.

12. If you've ever felt guilty or blamed yourself for the rape, what kinds of self-blaming thoughts have you had?

I have blamed myself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I have blamed myself for knowing better. I have blamed myself for allowing such a thing to happen. When I have shared this with others, some have said some very rude things to me. PD had said to me, whether it was humorously or not, "just get over it, girl". That was not ok. Since that time, I have been very careful about what I do share with him. I have shared this with others, but conditionally. I do not like to share what has happened to me because I think of what others might think of me. I hate what I think of me. The difficulties that I have in enclosed places; the nightmares; the flashbacks that bring on strong emotion; the not caring or wanting to be touched. There is so much. There are so many things that I contend with that I hate. I do not care for it all and at times the burden is more than I would like in a day.

For the most part, the most self-blaming thoughts that I have had has been being in the same vehicle with him. I went back to the same thing again and again. Why did I do that? I see his body part all the time. I do not like that. For anything, I hate the words that he used and the forceful oral sex. I remember that the most. The rape was just the icing on the cake.

The comments that were made before, during and after all of this has made me feel small and incomplete as a woman. I abhor what has been done and feel like things will never be better or for me to get over things all that much. I feel as though I have merely accepted what has been done and that no matter what time has gone by, it will always be with me. I hate that it is with me.

13. Why do you think victims of rape tend to blame themselves and feel guilty for rape that someone else did to them?

I am not sure how to answer this question. This is something that I have not been able to get over. I hate that I have blamed myself. Victims of rape and other violent crimes do have high self-blame. Blaming themselves for knowing better or for not being able to walk away or to not be involved. But, for myself, I had always thought that I was able to protect myself. I cannot protect myself from everything. I cannot protect myself from events that may come my way. I cannot protect myself from others who might want to harm me. But, I can protect myself from what I know I can change.

I know that I have been blamed for what had happened to me. It is not my fault? I did not ask for this. I trusted and my trust was broken. Actually, it was shattered. So, now, I do not trust my emotions as well as trust my own thoughts. I know that I do not trust what others may say to me at times. But, one thing for certain is that I am not sure how to answer this question. This question is packed with quite a whallop. Someone did something wrong to me and there is not reason why it should have been done. It was the illness in him that created this transferrence of emotional baggage. This was not my fault. I know that my guilt is heavily based from being in a place where I should not have been. But, why is it that I cannot forgive myself? I was in a place doing something that I should not have been doing; but, it went further than what I had expected. It went violent and surreal. This is not ok.

I remember one thing that he had said during this. He had commented about how we women teased him. I wonder if he had done this to someone else. I remember that he had gotten his other girlfriend pregnant and she ended the pregnancy with an abortion. I wonder if he had raped her too. I wonder. I have always wondred about that. I do not remember her name or what she looked like.

I know one thing. I have to get through this. I have to be able to get past this guilt and shame over what had happened. To live with this guilt and shame is more than what I can handle at times. But, to talk to PD and PM? PM? No. Not any more. PD? I wonder.

Pushing in. Pressing on. Continuing despite.

Things that continue to change

So much has been going on this past week that has left me a bit somber. Last weekend, one of my most favorite of persons died unexpectedly in his sleep. He was my Deacon. He and his wife were strong support for days that I had had strange days. They were support to me regarding my kiddo and prayed with me when I was having flashbacks and the like. I am very sorrowful right now. I have been thinking about this for several days. Today, it has culminated to this point. I am somber because of the loss and do not know how to express myself in the duration. I am not sure who to express myself because so many in the church have lost a good friend and companion. I do not feel as though I have the right to be anything other than silent and reserved. I am grieving as well. I miss having them around and to be able to rely upon their laughter and support. I feel so selfish. I have only really gotten to know them this past couple of years while so many have known them for nearly 30 years. But, my feelings are just the same. I am hurting and I know that these long days will pass. As I continue to move on to my daily events, I will have some challenges and there will be days where they are lonely. But, I know that there will be days yet to come that will be very fulfilling and full of life and excitement.

I want so much for the days to come quickly and with a lot of enjoyment to follow. In the meantime, it is so hard. When I call and I just want to hear a soothing voice and it will not be there for some time. I feel so needy and inconsolable at this point. But, I know that it will pass. It is part of the grieving process. I feel angry as well. Angry that he is gone, but more angry that I am so angry. I should not be. I do not have a right to be. But, I do. I do not want to share these thoughts out-loud for someone to hear in fear that I might be judged harshly.

I will continue on despite the loss. I must express compassion and love during this time.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Continuing despite.

Continuing another moment

For so long, I have been working on many of my personal goals and inner complexities. I can feel so much of me being "adjusted" inside. Where do I begin?

To tell someone about all the events that have been going on inside would make someone cringe. Yes, these things have happened and I am working through the changes that have happened to me because of it. I am not certain when they changed, but they did. It was inevitable. I will be continuing with the questions. I will be continuing with the reason why things have changed. 
Let us continue.

8. How did your rape make you feel about yourself as a person?

I suppose this is what I have been working with all this time. When I was raped, as hard as it is to say the word, I was numb. I was numb at the fact that I had had this thing happen to me. I was caught in a whirlwind of emotion at how this person was going to just continue on with what he did. I was looking to find some time of emotion that would explain what had just happened. I have already expressed that I felt dirty, but that is not good enough to explain. I think that shock is the best word that I can use to explain what I was feeling. Sometimes today, I feel that same shock and amazement that something like this could happen to me. I remember those feelings very well. I can say that I felt reduced. I did not feel like me anymore and I had to find a safe place to be to process what I was thinking. I was living with my Aunt and Uncle at the time and I knew that if I had tried to explain what had happened to me, I would have been judged for being in a place where I was not supposed to have been "unsupervised". I knew that I did not want to tell anyone what had happened to me because of judgement. I did not want to think of what had happened.

I remember feeling such an emotional slam that I could not figure things out. I cannot remember if I drove myself home or if he drove me home. It was a long distance from his house. I just cannot remember.

I can say that I felt disappointed with myself. How could I have allowed this to happen? I felt angry with myself. I had been placed in a position of vulnerability and I had lost the battle. I have blamed myself for a very long time. This was not an act of sex; it was a violent crime that had happened to me and had been kept secret for far too long.

Yes, I can say that I felt dirty. I felt that I would never gain my self-respect back and that it was forever changed.

9. How is your rape affecting you as a person right now?

This is an ugly question. This has affected me for many, many years and in so many ways. One thing that I have hated the most is not like being touched. I have never been a one that likes to be overly fondled or touched. I do not like my back rubbed and I do not care for anyone to rub my shoulders. I do not know when that started. I do not like how that makes me feel.

I am not a one to trust that much. I do not like enclosed spaces. I do not like going into rooms with a lot of men in there. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I do not like being placed in scenarios that forces me to make overt actions. I do not like being placed in a position where my fight or flight responses are triggered. I am more apt to be more aggressive now. I am more prone to being outspoken. I am more prone to avoid people and places and stick to myself. There are more things that I do not care to discuss than what I would normally; but, for the most part, I am more careful about where I go and places that I go to.

I have been married and divorced after the rape. I have not been with a man for nearly 14 years and care not to be remarried again. I do not find sex to be rewarding or comforting like it used to be. I find it just a means for a man to have a release and then to get off. I have not found any opportunity to find pleasure in the touch of a man. I am not a lesbian either. I do not care much for the aspect of "being comforted". Though there are times I ache so much to be comforted and there does not seem to be any way to be comforted. It seems that comfort is a luxery that I cannot afford. I long to be just held until it is all better; but, it does not come and it is not available. There are times that I just want this to go away and pretend that it never happened. I am tired of talking about all of this and I am tired of constantly looking at it. But, it is the center of my life at this point and I need to get it worked out.

10. What do you wish people knew or understood about the rape so that they could help you now?

I hate that this happened. I hate that it makes me feel distant from others and different. I hate that this has created a new identity for me and that I wish that others could see that there really is someone really neat inside of me. I wish they could understand that the trauma from all of this does not make me a bad person. I would like them to know that the trauma has created a person with real behavior changes and that it is nothing that I chose or choose to live in. I wish they understood the nature of trauma so that they would not press the issue that I need to be "hugged" and made to feel much better. I wish I could make people understand that this is just like anything else--a broken finger, broken leg or etc. It will mend and it will take time; but, not to press it. I do know what to do and to trust that I can do it. But, to allow me to have my bad days and my good days and to not look at me like I am nuts or some type of freak that needs special attention. I do need special attention at times, but that is like any other illness. I am not different than the other person. I wish others understood the clinical side of the trauma to understand that this will stay with me for a long time. There is no reason it has to haunt me for the rest of my life; but, it has changed me.

I want people to be able to read material and do some homework just like I have. I would like them to make an effort about what it is that this thing has done to me. I do not want to have to explain things all the time. I wish that I could just be reassured that someone understands.

11. What is the scariest thing about talking or writing about the rape?

People knowing. I think that it is quite simple that when people know about it, then they have a responsibility to do something. Writing and talking about it makes it more real and brings back the potential of a lot of flashbacks and thoughts. I do not want the judgement. I do not want to be worried about the shame and guilt that has been laid in my heart and sould all of the years. The judgement of what has happened. Sexual assault/rape is an act of aggression and is used to overpower a woman. The person who rapes chooses to create harm. It is not an accident. I was not an accident. I hate the aspect of facing all of this again and again and again without the trained person to be able to guide through. This person would not have unreal expectations in the healing process. I hate that this is a lifelong battle. I know that it does not have to be. When I tell people about the rape, I run the risk of someone not understanding and treating me as though I was just making too much out of what had happened. This can potentially separate me from that person. If I perceive that it is going to change my relationship with that person, then I just walk away from it all. I do not want someone to think less of me because of the rape. And somehow I feel that they do.


For the time being, this is where I am going to leave you with. There has been a lot said here and there will be several more questions to come. These are not easy questions but very intense. I know that I have discussed them before, but I plan on discussing more.

It does get better. I must remind myself.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Getting better.

When we continue, we do not get afraid

I know that I have written about fear on many ocassions. It is very important to understand the amount of courage it takes to be able to discuss this with many people. Strangers. People who I have never met who are reading this. Too, people who have known me for years are beginning to read these sorts of things and have a little more insight.

I am to continue. I will not have fear.

5. What, if anything, makes you afraid to talk to people about your rape?

There are many things that I select to tell others. When I chose to discuss this with friends and family, I had receptions that I was not sure how to respond to. I was told by my closest of friends that I had deserved it and that I should not have been where I was at the time. I was mortified at this! At that point, my relationship with this person changed forever. I could not bear to share any more personal things with that person. I had been through a horrible experience only to be laiden with more guilt and humiliation. This had hit me so deeply that I have [obviously] never forgotten it. And, to a point, not gotten over it. It had taken me quite a bit to be able to talk to her about things after that. Then after a point, she had stopped talking to me and avoided me for years. It took a while for that to happen; it did not happen overnight. It was a slow process and it this process hurt more deeply than a knife penetrating my heart. I had lost a long-time friend and I was profoundly hurt by this. I had sworn that I would not tell anyone else about this and that it would never come between any of my friends.

At the same time I had told this person, I had told another friend and my brother. There is nothing more challenging than to tell family. When I had told my other friend, she was silent. She never commented and never said anything else to me about that day. Again, years after this, things changed. I do not know if it was me or her; but, things changed overall. In contrast, my brother was another person altogether. It was 10 days after this had happened and I remember crying very hard when I told him. He was so angry; he had demanded that I take it to the Prosecutor and file charges. I had said no! I was not going to file charges and have an investigation opened up over all of this. I had explained that I would silently carry this and to seek after my own wellness. I do not recall correctly if he had told me to get some therapy; but, for the most part, I shined it on. I did not want to take any more chances that this was going to happen to anyone else that I shared this with.

Six months later, I had attempted to tell my Doctor. I could not bear to say anything. I was so concerned that I was going to be thought that I was crazy or something else. I remember having a pelvic-exam and could not hold myself together well. I had brought my cousin with me and had shared with her about my rape. It was hard to tell her, but she understood. She too was molested as a child--this angered me so much. She is Autistic and I was and am mortified that this happens to so many people and it is under-reported. Sexual aggression from others is wrong!

After my diagnosis, I knew that I needed to discuss things. I knew that things were going to be difficult. I remember the Sunday that PM had touched my shoulders and I had lost it. At that time, I realized what I needed to do. It took days for me to get the strength to muster up and express to him what had happened to me years ago. It was relevant and I needed to share that with him. I realized that my honesty was necessary and to bring things to the surface. To stop burying them and to allow them to be opened and discussed. So, I did tell him of the assault. I wanted to give him the details of the rape; so, I created this blog and now, you are part of the completion of the recovery. I am a victim no more. I am a survivor and a victor.

6. Who have you told about your rape, and why did you choose to tell them?

I have told many people about my rape. This has not been easy. There are about five people that I have told. Three of them have passed away now and the other two have the complete details about my rape--PM and PD. There are many others who know about it; however, they do not have the details. When I created my blog, it was an opportunity to allow other family members to read it. From that point, my friends have been able to read it and they are so amazed at the disclosure. It was a risk that I needed to take and I did make it. I have been very haunted about this decision; however, I have made it and I stand by it. This is not an easy task to open up and discuss. I will not tell others about it. I have received quite a bit of response about it already and some just do not need to have these details in their head. It is enough to have those details in mine.

7. What did they do or say about it?

I have explained already with so much. I have had a lot of very rude and ignorant things said about it. I have been told that I should "get over it". I have been told some very horrible things; in the same manner, I have been told some very powerfully gentle things. But, it is the luck of the draw. I must be willing to expose myself to share in order for the healing to continue. I have started and so, I must continue. What type of victor would I be if I just stopped now and did not work toward the transformation? I am looking forward to the transformation and not identifying myself as a rape victim anymore. However, I know that I am just that. I still feel like a victim when I share.

For the time being, this is where I will leave it. I want to offer a time when others can read and share. I look forward to moving along. There are a lot of exercises in this book and I am looking forward to working on it. I want healing. I do not want to be afraid anymore. I want more and more and am willing to dig and press on for it.

Pushing. Pressing. Revealing.

Venturing to continue on

Now that more has been discussed, it is time to continue. As I have been reading through these questions, I have already discussed a lot. But, there is yet more to discuss.

Continuing.

5. What, if anything, makes you afraid to talk to people about your rape?

When I begin to open up and discuss this rape, I am fearful that people will see me differently. I see me differently. When I discuss this, I do not want people to think that I am so messed up that I can never be the same person, if ever. One of my deepest concerns is that others may perceive that I am very unstable. I am very stable. This deed that was done has created quite a stir in my life. I have allowed myself to share things with others and now, I have to see this through. I cannot just simply keep this to myself anymore. It needs to be discussed. 

I get worried that people may not know what to say to me. I am afraid of losing friends because of this. I do not want anyone to walk away from me because I am different. I am tainted. I am stained by the attack of another person and I do not want others to see that stain. There is a stigma that is associated with this attack and at times, I think that I can see it in others' eyes. I look closely for comfort and for acceptance and it is different. I was told by someone not too long ago that this person had gone through this and she has not had much difficulty. Why am I experiencing it? 

There are many things about the rape that are so very difficult to explain to people. How can they possible understand? How can you explain to others the incredible feeling of helplessness that is associated with it. How can you explain the amount of helplessness you feel when you experience a similar experience? When there are associations with the rape, there are triggers. When there are triggers and associations, how do you explain the inability to sort out emotions? How can anyone understand what it means to sort out such an avalanche of emotions when they come? Then, how can you explain to others that you are reaching a limit and need to be left alone when you are so pressured? But, the odd thing? It is important to continue to prime the pump of affection and love. 

I have learned that no matter what, I must continue and I must be able to go through the battle of "skinning my knees" to get to the point of overcoming. I know that one day, touching, hugging and the like will be so much easier. I look forward to that day. I look forward and am trying not to look backwards at the constant.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Venturing to more. 

Once we have begun, we continue

We have begun. We have begun to learn about what it is that I have experienced. This book that I have purchased is not an easy reader by any means. However, it is the most important process that I have begun and am willing to see it through. If I have been able to experience what I have experienced, I can continue with these questions. Certainly, I could skip some questions and no one would know. I choose to continue in sequence these questions. 

I continue. The author's disclaimer states that our thoughts are to be thoughtful and complete answers. "Do not avoid the questions by writing simplistic, brief responses." Here we go. Here I go.

2.  What kinds of nightmares or memories do you have about your rape?

I have too many nightmares and memories about my rape. I have had nightmares that could curl your hair. I have had some very explicit nightmares where I have been surrounded and have been lost in the victimization again. I cannot say if it was a sexual attack or what; but, I can say that when the individuals in the nightmare drew closer and closer, I was lost. All was black and dark and I was no more. This particular nightmare has happened three times. Each time, it has left me with such a foul feeling. My emotions are heightened when this happens. I become angry, confrontational, fearful and very resistant. I have come to recognize these emotions very well.

The memories of the rape have been with me the longest. While I can remember quite a bit, there are somethings that I cannot remember. I am glad about that. It is a protection for me. I remember feeling numb after. I do not remember the events of the day before. I do remember the relative events of the day and then the outcome from that point.

I have constant reminders of that day. I see them in my mind all the time. But, I have more of the reminders of the oral sex than anything else. I have hated myself very much for being there. I have hated him very much for forcing me to do those horrible acts. No one should be forced to do anything like that. It is not ok to do those things. And because of these emotions, I see this in my head all the time. I see him all the time. Every time that I see him, I cry and want to hide. The emotional demand it takes on me is quite a bit.

3. How does thinking about the rape make you feel and why?

I get very angry when I think about the rape. I get angry because I was there and it happened. I have always been a physically strong woman, but having this done to me makes me angry that I could not stop it. I thought that I could defend myself, but he was stronger. I realized that the more I struggled the more he fought me and the more that he fought me, I realized what was going to happen. I had realized that if I was going to get out of there, I was going to need to stop fighting. So, I did. I hated myself at that moment and have hated myself for it ever since. I feel that all of my rights were taken away. My right to get up. My right to say no. My right to make a difference. My right to be healthy. I feel that the rape has redefined me. And, of course, it has.

I hate that I had to be there; I hate that I had to watch. I hate that I remember his face and the look in his eyes. I hate that I was not respected or even cared for. It was always about him and never about anyone else. I wonder if he has done this to another woman. And I hate that too.

4. How hard is it to talk about the rape?

This question is really the clincher. For years, I did not care to talk about it. Six months after the rape, I wanted to tell my doctor. I could not bear thinking about it because I did not want him to think that I was now crazy. I did not want to tell anyone about it because when I had told a "friend" about it, she had told me that I had deserved it. I did not want to tell anyone about it because of that very reason. So, I buried the thoughts of it as deep in my emotions as I could. I never wanted to tell anyone or let them know anything about it. So many people just get the idea that it is easy to get over. POOF! snap your fingers and it is done. But, it is not done. The ways it has changed me run very deep. I have compensated for so much of it so I can manage things in my life. To tell anyone about something that happened so long ago is very hard. When it was very new, I had no idea what emotions that I would have about it. And, of course, I have been criticized for being the way I am without others realizing what has happened. Sure, I have always been a very bold person, but I have never been a person to be the way I am now.

I do not mind talking about the rape when I know that the person listening does not try to tell me how I should feel. I know that this has happened a long, long time ago. I know that I have spent years trying to bury this. I know that I have needed to talk about this to someone a long, long time ago. When I first had found someone, I was thrust on a good journey. Now, things are different. Talking about it stirs my life up. I cannot let it go now. I must have it stirred up to get over all of it. Hiding from it will no longer work.

I look forward to more of the questions. But, for the time being, this is the continuation. I cannot go any more. I do not want bad dreams because I am discussing it. I want to overcome and I will and I am and it will be good. I look forward to when this is not as menacing.

Looking. Seeking. Talking.

Tick tock goes the time

Without a doubt, I must really stop and listen to the sound of time. "Tick tock". It comes and it goes. What happens during that time? That time can be spent with whatever it will be spent with. Time well spent is important. We all understand what it means to have time well spent. So, now, what will that equate to? I spend a lot of time reflecting upon the events that have occurred. It has has been nearly two years since my initial surgery but has been two years since I have chosen to disclose what I have to important people. And now? Is it a moot point? Time has been passing and I have been pressing in to what I think is important. Who is it important to and for? Of course, to me. There would be no one else that it would be important for. But, for the reader, I would hope that it is important to you too.

I have spent a long, long time, searching to discover what has been within. Some to the point of criticism about how hard I have been working. It is never a moot point when it comes to working on the things that are correlated to one's heart, soul and spirit. It should never stop. Only you know the point of no return, if you are truly working on the endeavor or discovering what it is that beckons your time, then work toward that goal. The goal is timeworthy. Despite the criticism, work toward that goal. Criticism will come; often times, it may come from those who wish they could get to that point themselves, but often do not. What is it in you that is willing to come forward and is needing that extra work? Then find that point. Work toward it. Make a plan and see to it.

For me? What is that goal? Wellness. We all want it. We all talk about it. We do not all plan for it. There is much in me that I am not pleased with; however, there is much in me that I am pleased with. If I look in the mirror, the faces of the ones that I revere, I can see what I want changed. Is it realistic? Is it an accurate measuring stick? It is when all of it is said much of the same.

Work for the goal. Work toward the finish line. It is worth the effort. There are some lonely times along the way and it is worth the battle. But, only you can decide. I have decided a long, long time ago. Choose your battle plan. Select the tools. Put your armour on. Stand and fight. Let the bloodshed begin.

Looking on. Pressing in. Willing for more.

The anatomy of a touch

I know that I have been wanting to discuss this for some time, and now it is here. The anatomy of a touch really has something to it. Not many really think about it when they are receiving, but when there is an intent, then the actions are far more complicated and have greater implications. Let us begin.

For the most part, there are two aspects of a touch--the one giving and the one receiving. Touching has a purpose in itself; this purpose is to make contact. Contact has intention in itself as well. Contact may be to get another's attention or to see to the attention of someone else. Do you see how this can be quite intricate? The next time you intend to touch, be aware as to the intentions behind it. You will be amazed.

When I choose to touch, it is with a particular purpose. There is a threshold that must be crossed before a complete touch can be made. The person that I choose to touch must be in a particular distance that is in a comfort zone of myself or that person. I must be willing and the purpose behind my touch to be genuine. I think intently about touching. I think intently about being touched. This means that I must also take into consideration when someone else might be experiencing in a day. This means that I must be willing to understand their personal burdens, if there are any.

When it is time to touch, observing the body language is very important. This body language must mean they are willing to be touched. This is an expression of permission. If that permission is not there, then it is something that must be addressed carefully. Much like a hug, a touch must be welcomed. It cannot have the disired outcome if it is not welcomed. A touch is a precursor to a hug. If a hug is to be welcomed and to pack the power behind it, it must be initiated. Sometimes the eye contact of the person to receive the hug cannot be made; the hug may have a different impact. Perhaps the body language may indicate hesitation and so, raised outstretched arms is the welcome. Hesitation may have a message all in itself. Just the same, the welcome should be waited for and made. I have seen the hesitation once before from someone and I knew that I had to make the initiation.

When deciding to touch, there must be the complete conviction. The person receiving will know if the conviction of the touch is there. If it is just hapistance, it will be understood as that. Engage and be willing to be engaged. Look because there really is a body language behind it.

I know that at times, I have actually stepped back and physically displayed unwillingness to be touched or hugged. There have been many reasons for this that I have already discussed. But, willingness is the most key element of it all. I still am reluctant to be hugged at times, but I have to be aware that it can be more frustrating for some to not allow a touch or hug to happen. For some reason, they feel it is their fault when it is not. I have to be aware of that and aware that at times, my personal discomfort must be allowed to ride.

Looking on. Finding within. Touching on.

Let us begin

I believe. I believe that it is time to begin to discuss the inner aspects of the rape. I am now working with PD to begin discussing the recovery of this act. Yes, rape happens to many people and even men. It is [falsely] believed that men cannot be raped; it is untrue. It is more reported by women, but it does happen to men. And for this purpose, it is important to understand the process of recovery. It is important to begin to express survivorship and this is where I want to begin.

Let us begin.

In this book, there is a section devouted to working with a therapist and some guided questions. The author provides permission to take your time and to discuss the questions openly and thoroughly. I will be discussing these questions openly and thoroughly.

Let us begin.

1. How often do you think about  your rape, and do you feel like you have thoughts about it that you can't stop?

It has been 20 years now. I think about it a lot. There are more days that I think about it than others. Some weeks, it just is the most predominating of my thoughts. Some weeks may go by where I do not think about it. I try to force myself to not think about it at times. But, the memories are there and the side effect are there as well. I think about him. I think about what he is doing now and how his life has been changed from all of this. I think of why he did this and I think about how he can rationalize overpowering a woman to make himself feel like a man. I think of his manhood and I have thought about causing him physical harm; but it is a moot point.

I have thought about this for a long, long time. I think about his family and when I had told PJ. I remember that he had said that I had wanted it. I cannot remember if these memories have ever woke me up from a sound sleep; however, I do remember days where it has been difficult to go to sleep. I do remember the anger that I have had. I have hated myself and him and blamed myself for all of this happening. Even now, I hate that this has been a fixed part of my life that has been ever present. It is like an ugly guest that does not leave. It just sticks around. We know that the guest is there, but the guest just does not make any noise. WE can see the mess the guest leaves behind but nothing is said. I feel that no matter what room I go to, Rape is still there. Whenever I go anywhere, I feel like I am carrying Rape with me. I suppose, the best way of saying it would be, "don't get close, Rape might get upset". There is something to be said when this ugly guest has personification.

I perceive that this has impacted many relationships that I have. I feel that this keeps people at a distance because I cannot bridge the gap. I remember a day at a church BBQ where I had felt so out of place. Who to talk to; where to sit; how to just mingle. I remember being asked by PM if I wanted any coffee and he had shown me where the coffee was; I poured if for myself, and as I was standing at the counter, PM had stepped back from me to give me distance. (I have hated leaving my back open to being touched. It is a very open area of contention to me.) Although the intention was not to make me feel uncomfortable, it made me feel all that much more wretched. I wanted to leave, but my family was with me and I had to be very stoic about the situation. I did bear with it.

I have an excellent memory of those days. Yes, twenty years ago seems not far away at all. I battle with that. But, now, I believe that the days of remembering will be less invasive and will ease in time. I remember the days too well. I remember the look on his face when he did this. I remember some of the things he said when he forced me to perform oral sex. I remember the insults. I remember the days I hated myself for getting into the car. I remember the horrible brown car that he kept spotless. Why? Why did I go back? Why did I just not stop? Why did this have to happen? Why does a man who called himself a Christian bring himself to do somethign like this? Where was the justice? It was date rape and hard to prove. There was no evidence of this because he was impotent. He had no sperm and his rage over that grew. He was so angry and frustrated about not being able to ejaculate. He took it out on me. I remember saying NO! several times. I remember feeling, OH GOD! I remember fear. I remember hatred. I remember terror. I remember being trapped. I remember feeling helpless. I remember feeling worthless. I remember feeling like trash. I remember feeling like I could never recover. I remember feeling like I needed to hide what was done, what I had done and what I had allowed myself to go through. I remember feeling numb. I remember feeling like things were moving at a different pace and I remember forcing myself to get to a point where I could not wait to get home.

I look forward. When I look back to remember, it is not as menacing as it has been; however, I know that looking back will be difficult.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Looking forward and believing.

That time is coming again

It is that time again. I am looking at the anniversary of the day and I recognize that I am in a very challenged mood. I recognize that I am very short tempered and must be in control of my mood and my behavior. This upcoming week is not going to be easy for me and the closer I get to the day, the more frustrated I am going to get. I am hoping that all will be well and that I get through this at the best that I can. This week, I had done my best to explain to PD about what is going on. In retrospect, I can see just how much this has changed my life and how different and separated I am from others. When others do not have any idea what has gone on, they can look at me and see that I am a "unique" person, or "it is just Caren". Yea. That just makes me feel very comfortable and welcoming.

I am different from others. I wish that I did not have this difference from others. As this day gets closer, I am hoping to just keep going and not be available to do many things. However, I am looking at trying to keep busy. I did express to PD that I have every intention on being very tired and to work myself as much as possible to be able to just not think. I am looking very intently at just trying to get past this week. I am hoping to just not share with many people my mood or my thoughts. Not many do understand what has happened and I do not take much pleasure in trying to explain myself to be understood. Times, I really do want to be understood; but, it comes with a great price. That price is the perception that I am different from them and that I will be treated differently from others. For example, T had told me that she had been through something like this but she got over it. Well, that is fine; however, I do not believe that it is true. I find it very difficult to believe that someone could go through something like this and it not change them. When all of this had happened, I was forced to perform. I was forced for months. Despite my efforts, it did not stop and when I was saying no, it made no difference. NO DIFFERENCE. So, this is what matters to me right now. No matter what I say to others, it makes no difference. I tell some that I do not want to be bothered and they do bother me. I do my best to avoid being touched and everyone wants a hug or thinks that being all touchy-feely makes things better. It does not. It does not make me feel better to get that "warm and fuzzy" whatever. For some, the idea of a hug seems to just make it all better. No, a hug does not make it all feel better. As a matter of fact, a hug can only create more troubles. For me, it is more of an issue than a comfort. I have expressed to PD that I come willingly. I will give a hug conditionally. The condition is when I choose to give versus one always at me. I will provide one. But, that is when I know that the expectation is not there. I will surprise. But, I do not want anyone to expect it out of me all the time. It will not happen.

I have discussed before the concept of the anatomy of a hug. I will be explaining that very soon. It is important to understand what that is because it can mean so much to the person giving as well as receiving. Despite what is going on, I really do like to get a hug; but, that hug is a special kind of hug and that hug does not come easily. It is a hug that is not given by many and that is what I have been wanting. I do not believe that hugs are meant for every day [for me]; rather, I believe that hugs are meant for healing and for special and specific purposes. For some, the types of hugs can express a great conversation. For me, it has a specific purpose and plan. This is something very special and very important to me. This kind of hug is meant for healing. Some hugs are meant for greeting. I do not give those away that easily. But, when I do, it is meant as something that is very unique and special.  When my head is a lot clearer, I will be working towards that very thing. I am looking forward to something that is very healing and when it is provided, it will not be with a concern of my gender. I hope that one day, there will be that type of hug that will be provided without any concern of the aftermath. I want a hug; I could use a hug. I want to be comforted in my distress.

I know that when I am hugged, it is a pesonal event and I do not care to have many people look and watch. I am a very private person and like to keep things very private. If anyone wants to know, then they can ask. But, in the meantime, my privacy is mine.

Looking on. Pressing in. In my mood.

Knock, Knock, and back again

Knock, knock, I am back again. Looking at the day, it has been very long and very demanding. I realize that my own personal biases are bothering me today. I am experiencing my own insecurities once again and I must realize that my own self-discussion must be good. I do realize that regardless the conversation, I must be able to understand that I am the one in control of it. There is no one else.

I feel a little boxed in today. I do not feel like I want to dare to do anything; I realize that I am very tired from so many long days of not getting the quality sleep that I have needed. But, I have done this for so long, I am very accustomed to doing this. But, I am feeling very boxed in and very alone. There is nothing that I have done to instigate anything; however, these are my emotions. These are my feelings. I have recognized that when I experience a little challenge to my daily business, I have a tendency to become very reflexive. I am experiencing this right now.

I have been in communication with PD and PM. I realize that work schedules are very busy; however, if I have been told that communication is welcomed and it is not reciprocated, then I do wonder and question. My emotions are charged; this is all that much more because I have been open and am vulnerable with my emotions. But, when I keep my emotions to myself, I am considered to be guarded and need to be in my own world. Then others do not feel comfortable with that. I am personally wracked with trying to know the balance of this communication when I do not care to be communicated with. So, I express to many; how can I sit and communicate with others when the things that are bothering me are so deep and so easily opened? Why would I like to sit across from the table with anyone and bring a damper to the table or conversation? Why would I want to bring someone else's day down? SO! The question is this now. Why wouldn't I? I wouldn't someone want to say, "let us make your day better and come and join us. We do not mind." I do not have that and so I do my best to not bother anyone.

I always think and wonder about things. I am always concerned if I have bothered someone or have done something wrong. Yes, I am aware that this is much like one of my weakensses. I do my best to work to overcome it. I am diligent to the cause.

Working on. Pressing forward. Knocking again.

In the shadows

I am here. But, where I sit is a place where I must look very carefully at what is going on around me. I am trying to be enigmatic; simply, I am trying to explain what I feel. Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be doing that I am not doing already? I feel a lot of silence ahead of me and I am working diligently on accepting the silence that will be coming ahead. No, it is not that something is drastically going to happen; it is simply a matter of knowing who I can lean upon during this next aspect of my journey. I simply look back and to see what has been going on and what is awaiting for me.

I am looking back at the existance thus far. Trust; fear; indignance; accounability and yet so much more. I look at what I am doing now and see the level of trust and fear that I have been so familiar with--it is changing. My ability to trust is growing and the fear that I have kept so quietly within me is changing. So much is changing.  Healing. Guidance. Instruction. So much has been changing and I am so thankful for that. I still have so much left inside of me but, for the most part, so much as has been removed from me. I am thankful.

I am still looking at flashbacks and dreams. However, they are not as prevelant as they have been in the past. Ha! To think about these in the past tense is amazing. I have been told that I would get through this and be able to look back at all that has been going on and say that it is behind me. There are many things that are behind me; of course. I am very thankful.  How could I not be thankful.

I have mentioned before that I have seen inside this door, many bags. I have come to the threshold and looked inside to see many "bags".  Now, I am updating. It is time. I have felt very comfortable in the shadows and I must find a way to emerge out of the shadows. But, do I really want to do that? I am finding it very comfortable to live in the shadows and to invite others to the shadows versus moving out of the shadows. So, now, it is time to move ou of the shadows and to get that strength in doing so. I must continue, regardless of my efforts and [lack of] strengths.

I have an option. I am accepting the chore and the assignment and moving forward. I am looking into my "bags" and sorting through with as much ability that I can muster. I seek whatever guidance that I may get. I am going to a place where no "man" has gone before. I am excited, scared, eager, determined and hesitant. I know what will win over. See you there.

Pushing forward. Expecting onward. Seeing you there.

Knock, knock, who'se there?

Back again. There have been a lot of events that have happened this past couple of weeks since I have last made any entry. Seems more like "Enter the Dragon" than anything else. Knock, knock. Seems like I have needed permission to enter on some matters of the heart. Matters of the heart...the matters that concern the home as well as what has been going on within the home. I am facing some very busy days and I am looking foward to seeing them all come and go quickly. One constant matter is the concern of my own insecurity. I realize that many people do not seem to want to go that deep into their own private matters to seek and know their own inner troubles. I am unique in this matter. I am not afraid to handle what I need to do to get things done. I suppose that I have always been that way. I am not afraid to discuss what matters are true and deep to me. It is and has always been a matter of finding that right person to discuss it with. I wish that this had been here a long, long time ago. But, today, it is here and I get to discuss these matter and look forward to moving on. I supposed, it is quite enjoyable to say that I have a "clean house" and to know that what bothered me before does not so now.

In the meantime, my own insecurities are here once again. Seems that I am always discussing with myself that I have not made such a mess of things that they are not irrepairable. Yes, the matters of the heart are always repairable. I am one of those persons that does believe that things of the heart can and will always be able to be repaired. I do not believe in throwaway persons. Sure, there are so many different types of persons out there and the troubles may run deeper than others. But, for the moment, I am looking at the person in the mirror. Who do I say that I am? I say that I am healing and much better and not the worse for wear. I am not trying to create matters that are not there; I recognize that some matters have been placed on the back burner for some time and just need to get heated again to determine what the overall health is.

One particular is my issue of hate and anger. Although strong companions, they are interlinked and are designed to feed from each other. What is it that I allow them to surface to be able to have say about what is going on? I do know what matters to me. I feel passionately and understand many deep matters. I have an opinion on many current and past issues and I am not afraid to vocalize my concerns. I have an opinion and for much, can validate my position with fact and not fiction. I am not trying to say that I am bold and baligerant with resepct to my position; no, as a matter of fact, I am confident about my position. Try that I might, I seek opportunites to discuss my position, nearly to the ground. For some matters, my position can be discussed to the point of overdoing it. For some matters, I cannot push forward until I am thoroughly convinced that I am understood and validated. I suppose to a point of trouble.

Again, one annoying matter that I have been addressing is the aspect of others' ability, or lack thereof, for "reaching out". It bothers me to no end and I am really aggravated at this matter. Why I cannot leave it alone is beyond me; I have continuing matters going on and I am more able to mentally address these things. But, really, why am I so angry? I suppose for the events that I have had little say over that have impacted me so deeply, are at the core of my concerns. Just writing this, I am having a great difficulty in avoiding the term "issues". I really hate that word. It just seems to me to be an understatement for something that could easily be readdressed. For the things that have impacted me deeply, I become very angry about. I do understand that. These things persist and there does not appear to be any resolution. I am looking forward to resolution. I realize that I must be the bigger person and address the matters of resolution. This is the point of this blog. Resolution. I must seek it; hunt it out; wrestle with it; invite it; knock-knock. I must seek resolution. I am seeking resolution.

The day is coming when I will be able to put some matters asside and look to what I do know and understand as resolved. I look forward to no more troubles of the heart. I have more procedures coming up. I am looking at an endometrial biopsy and that does not appeal to me. I realize that the examination is looming and I am uncomfortable with the procedure. But, most importantly, I am uncomfortable with the aspec of being open. I am not looking to create matters that are not there; I merely want to recognize that these difficulties exist and I must be aware of them. When I am aware of them, I know that they have a label and a face and they are not unseen enemies. I can prepare for them and know that it is just for a small time of discomfort. I have to take that time to understand what plagues me. I must be willing to face what is there.

I am willing.

Pushing. Pressing. Knocking.

Today I did it ... I shared more

I do have to say that today was one of the most illustrious days that I have had in a very long time. I was courageous and shared again. I had told PD about my rape. Yea, to say that makes me really feel an emotional twist in my gut. He had taken me to lunch and he had said, so "tell me your story". Ok. That was a different way of putting it--"my story". Well, uh, it goes like this ... sure. Like I want to just reminisce. But, I did. I did open up and share. But, this is going to be a little more on the adult side of the blogs. We did discuss the forceable oral ... what do I call it? In this conversation, I was careful to not go some places. But, PD had pressed and drew out the conversation. I have to say that it was not the easiest conversation. But, quite necessary. It is getting easier to discuss this.

It as asked. When thsi aspect of the "relationship" was there, was there ever any function of me being the recipient of the oral sex? And to think about it, that was the aspect of the victimology--it was always about him. Certainly, did I ever want him to really offer that to me? NO! Not that mutual sexual experiences aren't satisfying, but that speaks volumes about the nature of the abuser. It is all about them. It is about their gratification. It is about them and only them. And for this person, the inability to perform sexually was the central issue. Despite the multiple times that I had said no, it always ended up in the same way. If I were to get out of the vehicle (which was where this always happend), I had to perform. How uncomfortable to discuss this; but, like I did say. This is very important to discuss. When I looked at him to discuss this, there was something that I was looking for. I am not sure that I had found it; I know that it was not as difficult. It was not easy; do not misunerstand me. It was very diffcult. But, the impact of what was said was not like it was when I had allowed PM to read my blog at the very beginning. This blog, for the most part, has served a very good purpose. I have discussed many things. But, details have been vagued. Today, these details are more defined and less vague. I would like the reader to understand what the importance of all of this to be. There are many of us out there with many sorts of issues and we all need you to be there to lend that ear or hand. We all are responsible for taking care of each other. Do take care.

I was asked many things. I was vague and then the questions were asked. Was there sex in the relationship? A couple of few times. But, that was not consistently. I had grown to be very ashamed at the prospects of having sex with him. Then later, things became more violent and more compromised. As I have said toward the beginning of this blog, he was becoming impotent. So, his need to be sexually active was growing. Patience was not an ability that was exercised. Restraint was something not addressed. Need was the main component. There was an unmet need and so he took every opportunity to get what he wanted. The relationship was never about reciprocating emotion. It was never about reciprocating comfort. It was solely about taking what was wanted by any means necessary. That is the center of violence and of rape/assault. It is not just assault. It is the violation of someone else's will. That was what had happened. There was no respect or perception of taking into consideration that the one that you are with was to be protected and cherished. The relationship was not healthy. For certain. When respect is gone, then there is an open season on violence. It mattered little to him. All that was wanted was what could be done for him and to him.

There is nothing worse than having to sit there and feel like you need to just perform. When PD asked, it was very diffuclt to express. But, I am available to answer the questions. I knew that the questions were to be asked and then from there to be ansswered. It is different when I use the word "rape". It is another matter when someone else uses the word. It is as though it really confirms that this horrible act really did exist and it is really the nightmare.

Certainly, there were aspects of the conversation that did not happen. I am glad that I did not have to explain how things were considered to be "forceable". Plain and simple. My head was held down. Today, I do not care for anyone to touch my head. I prefer if someone is to ask if I can be touched. When I am being prayed over, I prefer to be asked if they can touch me. That is appropriate for any person; but, for me, it is quite necessary. Too, I want to emphasize that I am not looking to continue this behavior; I am merely learned to identify it and to work through it as gingerly as possible for long lasting changes. Some things must be taken care of slowly and with caution. I have read that some of these behavior are life-long and seldom change. But, I disagree. I have also read that some outcomes of rape are sexual permiscuity, alcoholism, and other substance abuse. I have never engaged in that. For whatever reason why, it is uncertain. Is it my faith? I would like to think so. Is it my very will and the fact that I do not have an addictive personality disorder? Perhaps. But, I know that I have not had to include substance abuse to the mix from this horrible deed.

I have to say that I have gone into a realm that I am not familiar with. I have shared something with someone that I have not been certain to share with. I was very careful about the audience and I was proven that I had a listening and compassionate ear. I was not all that prepared for the personality in PD that would press in to ask such questions. No harm no foul? I am not sure that I could ask that and amply respond favorably. I do believe that no foul occurred. No harm? Now, I am worried about the fallout. How will I be perceived after this bit of information? How will I be treated now that this is known? I hope with nothing changed.

This has been a very mature conversation. This is something that is not easily shared, but needful. We out to think about how we treat one another. We should not be engaged in relationships that are harmful or possibly threatening. This is for both men and women. When I was askd if this was a mutual thing--if I had had oral sex upon me, I was shocked. Think about the manner of lead in the relationship. Think about how balanced the relationship is. I know that I was ashamed. I know that my guilt runs deep. I know that my anger towards myself has been a lasting and long standing issue. But, I know that my GOD is good and that I have really overcome quite a bit.

It is time to keep moving foward and know what is behind and what continues to lay behind.

Pressing forward. Looking beyond. Remembering what is.

Posting a position

I have been thinking quite a bit here lately. That is a good thing. I was thinking of my insecurities and how I feel I am handling them. How am I handling them? Well, I have been compensating as I usually do. I am looking forward to getting my bubble challenged so I can test the waters again. Yes, I am a nut. I want to be challenged. I want to get to a point where I do not feel as awkward and so separate from others.

What am I feeling insecure about? Yes, the touching matter is something. I have not been to church in several weeks. I have been working and very tired so I have not been able to get out there. I have been so concerned that I am so awkward that I have been keeping away from people. With all the things going on in my home, I have been very careful not to be getting into the way of others. I do not want to be rude or ignorant in my ways. I have been so blunt and my hurt and pain is very real and I do not want anyone asking me about what is going on in the home. So, I have been keeping my distance. I am noticing that I am enjoying my distance and I need to be very careful to not be too far away. This comfort is good for a time, but I have to be careful about it lasting too long. I like my distance, but too much is not healthy. Then, I worry. I worry about doing the wrong thing.  There are times that worry can be overwhelming; so, I find a focal point and press in from there. I have worried about so many things of this past year or so. I worry about what others have thought of me; but, most importantly, always doing the wrong thing. So, I pull away before someone can say anything to me. But, I do find that focal point.

Distance has always been an issue for me. I like my distance. I like to keep a strong and healthy distance from others when I am feeling a little on the edge. Simply put, I like to keep a certain distance when I am grumpy and full of all kinds of emotion. Not many do understand where I am coming from and so I am very careful about not pressing it too much with some people. But, distance also lets others know that I am not doing ok. Distance allows others to know that I do need some help. Strange that it might sound; I like others to know how awkward that I do feel and how important it is to have someone just draw near. This is the internal battle that happens. It is not easy to overcome, but it does occur. I do overcome.

Touching is always a certain aspect of angst for me. I know that I will have this issue for some time. This is something that I cannot push to get cleared. This is an emotion that must be respected. There is much wrapped up in this. There is anxiety and some panic. I do recognize that. I would have to be a fool to not recognize this. I have worked very intently to recognize this within myself. I have looked enough. And, I have equally come to the conclusion that a reasonable amount of progress has been made to see that all is well in this area. It is tough. It gets tougher some days because of the challenges that do occur. Yes, I have challenges and it will get better. They have been improving. It is not all lost.

On another time, I will be discussing the anatomy of a hug. I have been saying this but I will be putting my thoughts together and placing them down. In order for me to do that, I must be examining the whole aspect of what it means to get close and to experience the aspect of human touch. It can be done. It will be done.

Looking forward. Seeking within. Touching.