Strong hands and willing heart

Not many understand the importance of working hard. We live in a generation where there are so many people willing to do less for more. That should not be the case. Working hard comes in so many ways and the tasks are so variable. I have no choice but to work. No, it is not a matter of working through the restful times; rather, it is designed to always be aware that I have shortcomings that might be important to address. Just the same, there are times where rest supercedes the shortcomings. Yes, it seems that I have more than my cohort. But, these shortcomings can be strengths at times. I have a willing heart to address what needs to be addressed. I will address these things. These things can define me; however, I choose not for them to define me. I choose the definition and am willing to develop my strong hands more.

This past week, I have felt more comfortble in my skin than I have been in a very long time. I am finding that my silence is more reflective than anything else. I do not feel myself wanting to retreat; rather, I find that retreat is more peaceful. I am glad that I have found some peace in the meantime. This peace shows me that I have come a long way and have seen some awesome changes from the things that have warred inside of me. The storm is not as menacing; it may still loom in certain times. I am aware and do know that the storms will not go away. Some storms of my emotions are there to show me that I am on the right track. It is ok to have a balance of emotion that will not take me under. I am getting stronger and I can handle the ugly now. Well, at least a lot better than I had had in a long time. I am no longer stuffing things deep and within; I am allowing these things to surface and to allow myself to be cleansed. Could I say this a year ago? No. I could not. I had a difficult time approaching the threshold of all of this within. I was afraid to look inside the door and all of the mess that was within me. Now, I can easily walk around and know that when I have to address one of my own deep and darkest troubles, I can be reassured that the light that is within this room is not far from my reach. It really is the LORD's presence within me saying that I am not alone. Even more so, I can look around and have the confidence that the confidence that I carry is not my own but HIS. I am not alone and I know that I have HIS Eternal company. I know that when I open up the "garbage bags", the "boxes" of stored things, I know that the LORD has seen every single one of them and knows how I have inventoried every single one. And! Despite me, I can still look in there and see that much has been accomplished and more will be accomplished. I know that I have a willing heart and my fear is not just mine to carry. No where in Scripture does it say that we are not to be afraid alone. We are to take everything to HIM--fear, anger, hatred, spite, every foul emotion and bring it to HIM. Then it is HE who says that we are to walk through it together. And little by little, things are changed and what was lacking is made complete. I feel more complete these days; but I dare not say that I am completely whole. There is yet more to come and yet have come so far. I am excited about what is to come; I know that I am not alone and that I am all that much more watched and guarded. Yes, I do realize that more is to come. I pray that I am never victimized again. I pray that while I am working on my own wellness, that this peace stays with me forever. It feels good; looks good; smells good; is good.

Strengthening on. Building on. Willing on.

What part of love

So, things are working and coming along. Things. I always say "things". What are things? I know; this is just another everyday word that people use when they are uncertain or unwilling to describe what is going on. Things--I am challenged again. I am challenged with the concert of emtion that is overwhelming me. I am angry. I am hurt. I am hateful. I am more than just what I would like to be. But in the meantime, I know better and am working diligently to keep a close eye on all of my "things".


My things. I am working on keeping a civil tongue in my mouth. Some people have really pushed the envelope with me and so I would like to take the time to return the favor. But, that would not be ok. I realize that my emotions are tumultous just the same and that I must be aware. When I feel the issue of touching rearing its ugly head, I am very careful about where to position myself. The overwhelming feelings of being encroached upon are not as powerful as they have been in times past; however, they are still there. I am looking intently to keeping my distance and to watch when others approach me. I still have little intent on being touched and encroached upon; I do realize that it is important to be touched. I realize, too, that I have come a long, long way to get to this point. One realization that I have come to this past week has been that I am not to stuff or stiffle my emotions or bury them. That is not the intention of overcoming any issue. I am not supposed to allow it to be unchecked as well. If I know there is an issue, I must address it as quickly as possible. Certainly, I know this. But, in any given person's life, there is an importance of addressing issues and to do that promptly.


"THINGS". They have names. These are those names. Emotions: hatred; anger; anxiety; misapplication; misrepresentation; lying; conjorting; and so much more. What have I done that is making me so involved and so desolate at times? I look at my trust issue again. It is always about trust because love is attached to it. What part of love is there that permits me to trust? What part of love is absent that prevents me from trusting? Is this self-love? Is this love of others that might invite them into my life and heart? Trust is a precious item and for me not a commodaty that I want to share. Trust has been taken from me. When will I be able to trust again? I do not trust when I am in particular settings. I do not trust certain people. I do not trust when I feel violated. Certainly, am I any different from others? But, what part of trust is broken when I have to second guess myself? What part of trust is working in my life that establishes my safety and security? What part of my inner most being am I broken which needs repair to be able to trust? Where is the injury? "THINGS". What are the key components? Disappointment? Am I disappointed in myself for what I feel that I had allow happen to me? These are key components to "things". I think a lot about it all.


I continue to press on. I continue to press in. I continue to go beyond "in the meantime".

Imagining more

I have realized that much time has gone by since my last posting. I am trying to remain consistent with my postings. Things have been interesting here lately. I am walking around and working on just adjusting more. I think often of what PM has said to me with respect to working on things. He said that he was proud of me for working on things. I am glad. I found my MP3 player again and will be charging it and wearing it once again. It is broken, but I can still listen to it. That really frustrates me. I have been experiencing so much with my kiddo that I have been so stressed and my trust level is at an all-time low once again. This aggravates me like no other. I really do not like that I cannot get the trust that I once had. I hope that it is not all lost or for naught. I must say, trust is vital to me. There are times that I want to trust so much and it comes out dry.

So, comments were made to me tonight that were interesting. I had gone to a Christmas ornament party. Ok. It was interesting. And one of the ladies commented to me about a Bunko party. "It will be nice for you to be there." Yea, sure it will. I cannot help but to wonder if there are people that are just so excited that I am not included in things because I am so "challenging". I am getting quite tired of so much and would like to have these actions changed; however, I do understand that these sorts of things cannot change if the other person does not understand what needs to be changed. Yea, what a concept. Just the same, tonight at the party, I did realize that I did not feel very comfortable about venturing out into the great outdoors with a bunch of women who cannot stand in a cold breeze without getting blown over. Yea, I have ben through a lot and have a very bold, brassy and cocky attitude. I know that I should not. But, I do. I really do. The bitterness and anger that I have still deep inside of me must come out. My hostility should not be projected to others and at that point, I will be very careful to express it to anyone else. I am determined; I must be very careful about who I am around so I do not care to discuss matters with them as well as with my attitude. I work. I go home. I go home and clean. I go home to a hostile teenager. I go home and no one is there to help out. I must be willing and accepting of what is going on. When things improve, they will. But, in the meantime, I must work towards a solution. I will not be going to any more events if possible. I do not want any of my words or actions to be misundestood from anyone. That, I am sure, will happen. I must be very aware of what is going on. This is going to really bite. I must do it.

Looking forward. Pushing in. Pressing on.

For so many reasons and then cannot think of any

I have been pushing on once again. Yes, I know that the issues of touching keeps coming up; but, it is a real issue for me. This past weekend, I just hit tilt. I just did not want to be addressing anyone and wanted to have my own space and ... of course, we know how it goes. For the most part, things are fine. I deal with my issues of insecurity and wondering. I long to be with people and long to have the opportunity to touch as well as to be touched; but, I am noticing that it is conditional. DF wanted to be more open with the touching and that was something very trying. Everyone seems to think that if they do it more, then that means that it is easier all that much more. Well, it is not. It is not all that easy to be touched all the time and not have an exit. I really do like solitariness at times. It is comforting and rewarding at the same time; however, when I like to be with people, it is something that is of my choice. I have always been that way--even as a child. But, all that much more, I look forward to a time where this is less uncomfortable. However, for the time that it is, I must look up ways to combat this aspect of touching. My personal space is very difficult for me to address at times and I do not like anyone coming across it. I know that N has been providing every opportunity to be able to talk. But, this is not something that is easy to be done. She cannot understand what I am talking about and she cannot understand my feelings. Then again, I am reminded that it is not her issue; rather, it is mine. It is my correlation of events that have brought me to this point. No, it was not my fault. No, I did not ask for this to happen. No, I am not in danger any more. Yes, I will get through this.

I know what I want. I know what I am desiring. I know what just seems to escape me. I know that I am looking forward to the end of this discomfort. I do know what is more troubling. Physical pain? or Emotional discomfort? One can be alleviated with pain reliever; the other is just a lingering beast that does not have a home. I wonder at times.

I had more communication with PM today regarding something very sensitive. I have been wanting to discuss this for some time because it is very relevant. I have been more pressured to be getting out to date and to change my appearance. Oh, that I have been putting on a rough exterior. Certainly, I have not had any intention of wanting to go on any dates. I have not had any intention of showing anyone that I am interested. I am too concerned with the matters at hand and can not imagine adding someone along for the bumpy ride. I cannot even imagine having sex again. That, to me, is quite incredible. I just feel so very different to men. I do not feel like a woman and I do not feel like I am desirable to a man. I cannot imagine even trying to make believe. It is enough that I do not feel like I belong to any particular place. For the most part, I have felt like that for some time. I know that the cancer has created for me a "new normal" and finding where I am to just exist is something else. Feels like a double whammy.

Years ago, I could not have imagined having to go through cancer and all of what is going on. When I was raped, I had no idea what I was experiencing and how to even begin to explain to others what I felt. Now? To some degree I feel the same. But now, when people know what is going on, I am so concerned about being treated differently. I am trying to remind myself of many things. When I remind myself, I must not be hard on myself or submit myself to undue criticism. I can do this!!

Pushing on. Pressing in. Fighting on.

Plan to be and to continue onward

It has been a few weeks since I have shared. I am working on trying to remain consistant about my contributions. For the most part, things are ok. My head days have been within tolerance and my heart days are much the same. But, I have been learning more about what I have been going through and learning about what it is to still be uncomfortable in certain situations. I was pondering my issues of touching today. Yes, touching will always be an issue for me and I do understand that. I remember chating with PD on Sunday last and how everyone is working diligently to encourage me to touch more and to be touched. I wonder about these things. I shudder at the thought of being caught in a group with too many people around. I really do not care to be in a place with so many around; however, I can handle it.

I am learning more about PTSD. It is not uncommon for sufferers to not care to be in enclosed spaces. I thought that I was the only person who did this; seriously, I thought that it was my own personal hangup. I realize that I am not alone in this aspect and look forward to being able to be comfortable in my own skin. I do to a certain degree, however, I look forward to this being just a haze or a shadow of what it should be. It is so uncomfortable to be worrying about things. I have been wandering more at church and am very uncomfortable about sitting down so much. Then again, last weekend I had had serious issues with bronchitis. I had coughed so hard that my chest hurt terribly. I sounded much like a beached elephant seal. Imagine that!

Another aspect that I have been very concerned about is just how much my anger and bitterness is lying just beneath the skin. Too, there have been so many other issues that have been bogging my mind. Having to sort through all the emotional baggage here lately has been a difficult job; but, I have to believe that I am doing what is right. Staying focused is one of the most important tasks for me and at times, I feel like I am going batty. But, I have to remind myself that sorting out emotions is never easy and that I should not be so hard on myself in the meantime.

I do remember being told "I am proud of you for working so hard". That means a lot to me and will always mean a lot to me. Yes, I have been working very hard on things and will not stop until I am happy with the changes that are going on. I am looking forward to some days where the flashbacks are not as bad or the attitude so rough. Some things should not be; yet, other things should prevail. I look forward to those things that prevail much.

Reaching. Planning. Pressing onward.

Venturing once again

So, I have shared more once again. I am experiencing more comfort to some degree about my personal information. But, in many other aspects, my personal information is not to be shared. I have expressed to some this past week and with great trepidation, I am not all that sure that it was wise. But, in order for me to get beyond some things in my heart, I must learn to trust and to feel comfortable in my own skin.

I am looking back at this past year and can see just how much I have come and yet how far I really have to go. I am excited and very nervous at the same time. I am not all that eager for many to know what has gone on and the shame and the guilt are still very close to the surface. I hate the feeling of shame that I get when I address all of this. But, these emotions should not be my enemy. I cannot help but to think that these feelings are like my arch nemesis---moohaaaahaaa! shame is my name and pain is my game! Yea, right!

But, I have shared with PD. I will share more with him on Sunday and let him know some more distinctions. I do not want to share my prayer requests with anyone anymore because of what has happened and so when bad dreams happen, I will share my difficult days with others not at the church. I am so very leary and not willing to really trust at the time. Seems that there are a few steps backwards on this. I have to say that this is not the most warming or welcoming of things.

Yes, this week I did have a horrible dream again. I have not had one of these types of dreams in a long, long time. I had woken up and felt like something was seriously wrong. But, I trudged through. I did pray. But, I did call PM after and let him know that I had had one of those dreams again. It was a difficult thing since I have not had one of those in a very, very long time. I have no idea what triggered it, but it was very unsettling. I do not know who to tell about these dreams and I am not sure that I want to post them. But for certain, I must put them down somewhere. I will pray it through.

Pressing on. Pushing in. Thinking things through.

Falling down and hitting the ground

I want so much to hit the ground and just stay there and relax and let some things go by. I would love to be able to just relax during the next several weeks and months go. It has been a year since I have been sharing and letting everyone know my inner thoughts. This is very challenging. As I discuss this more and more with others, I can see just how much this has impacted me and they. I have seen so many changes with others, and within myself. I am looking at how these changes have been very positive and how they have made some significant changes. I want these changes to be good and to be able to allow me to move on. I have been through sharing the most sensitive and most intimate things in my life. How many people share these intimacies? I am not sure. So, what I have to start looking to is the journey of how this is going to make the impact for the rest of my life.

I am stuck at times. It is hard. It is hard to be able to share things that I know that are not well received. I run the risk of sharing things that are uncommon or uncomfortable and now, I am dealing with people who may have had enough time behind them that these issues might be forgotten. But, T has been a blessing to me. She understands the journey and the battle. I do have to say that good things are on the way as well. I am looking forward to this.

I am looking forward to not feeling so uncomfortable about things. I always say that. I have come so far. I can be touched more. I still cringe, but I can be touched a lot more. I was thinking of some things lately, and it made me cringe even more. I have been afraid of some things. I have been afraid of getting out and mingling in other groups so people that I am not familiar with. I have to explore more areas and to get out and about to work on my comfort zone. Today, for example, I was able to get into a car wash. I was feeling quite boxed in and started to get a little claustrophobic, but I was able to hang tough and finish the cycle. I do not know if that is what I would be willing to do again, but I know that it was ok and I can do it. It is amazing. Really it is.

Reaching out. Pressing in. Really feeling it.

For the most part

For the most part, all is well. For the most part, I understand. For the most part, I am looking and searching. For the most part. Today was a very long day. I was thinking long and hard about something that I have not been wanting to see. For the most part, I have not had flashbacks that have been difficult. There have been times when they have been so pervasive that I have had to look away or really clench my eyes tight. Today, I was concerned that I might have had to do that. I did not; there were several times when I have had to do that. Today, after service, I had a meeting with PM. Normally, I meet with PM after service with my kiddo. It has been a long and difficult year of things. Meeting with him has been helping, but there have been some emotional challenges that are very intense. One time during meeting, he had moved a certain way and bamb! Whatcha know, things were very difficult. I do not want to say what it was but just that it was very uncomfortable for me. How do I tell him? Should I tell him? Well, that would be most interesting. How do I tell him? He has already had some difficult times when I have shared with him.

Why am I so concerned about all of this? It really does bother me because I would like to get past all of this to move on to more healing. I really do not like that building. I do not like what it represents. I have had too many nightmares about that building and it has made me feel quite filthy. But, I refuse to allow it to bother me. I refuse to allow it to get me to a point where I am having such a difficult time. I refuse! I simply refuse! I know that the days can be difficult. It is a little less these days, but just the same, the triggers are there nonetheless. I want to let him know about my triggers. I think that it would be wise; but, just the same, if he never knew, I should still continue. I will continue.

I am learning that I must not be communicating with him for much. It has been a hard lesson to learn and it is even more difficult to understand that I need to not be concerned with it. I must learn. I do not want to be perceived as that kind of person that is adversarial. Go figure!

Looking on. Pushing on. Believing on.

How am I doing?

For the most part, I am fine. I have been distracted with many things and this has been very good. I am looking at things these days with a different perspective. While my cancer treatment continues and time has been moving along, I am looking at ease of mind and ease of issues. However, I do realize that there are some issues within that may be stirred up that might rear its ugly head. I am working on a directive just the same. I am working on moving into a place that is uncertain for me. I am moving into a place that is a little more solitary and to continue on with the journey to find some more educationa and classes regarding this ordeal.

As I have been understanding myself, I am looking at being my own post-rape care. I have not been able to really put my finger on it, but I have now. I must look to my own post care. I am not afraid of doing this. But, I am very concerned, yet, for PM. I have to say that I am uncertain as to say with regards to him. PM is a unique individual who internalizes many things. What are his objectives? What are my objectives? What objectives should I be holding in all of this? I know how I am doing. I am working diligently on the issues at hand to overcome but most importantly, to understand why I feel the way that I feel.

I am the survivor of sexual assault. This is not easy to overcome but it is easier to say. I know that I will be overcoming much because I have thus far. This includes being able to come out and say what I need to say with respect to the deeds that have been done. What has been created in me has been done so out of a very selfish act. This act created much trouble for me and for the things that should have been addressed a long, long time ago. I am very proud to say that I have been working diligently on the matters at hand with respect to the things that plague me. I am plagued, but I am victorious just the same. The issues of being touched are not the same; the feelings I experience when I am in a room that is too enclosed or encroached upon are not the same; the overall feelings and overwhelm when some men are around persist. But, I know that I am not alone. I have been thinking of the day that I was invited to PM's for a last minute BBQ. I had wanted some coffee and had gone to the wrong door. That was a little overwhelming for me. Then I had realized where to enter. I had gone inside and there PM was offering the coffee. He had stepped back from me and at that point made me feel all that much more uncomfortable. I really do not know if I would ever do the same thing again. It is wrong to be that overtly different because of what I have been through. I need ongoing support. I do not need to be feeling different or separate from others. I do not want others to know what has happened to me. But, they do. Too many know what has been going on. I plan on really keeping a close eye on me and my personal behavior with hopes that things will extinguish. I am looking forward to more healing. So, what do I do in the stead? By asking for ongoing support, does that perpetuate matters? No! It certainly does not. Actually, asking for ongoing support means that it is just that much closer to healing and not being that separated person from the crowd. I am looking forward to that. See you there!

Pushing on. Pressing in. Seeing you there.

What I am thinking of

While I am listening to many things this morning--the sound of the rain and one of my most favorite songs--I am thinking of what my dreams are. I am thinking of the things that I want and what might be holding me back. I wonder about what my future has in store for me with all these changed places in my heart. I wonder about my insecurites and my fears and how they might hinder me from wanting and feeling successful. I know that I can. I know that I want to be. I know that I must. I know that I am understanding more and more what my "new normal" is going to be. I am feeling what permission I have within me that will allow me to accept this new idea(l) for myself and then to move accordingly. What am I? Who am I?

I know who I am not. I know that I am not going to allow this all to bother me again and again. I know that there will be days where I may not feel all that successful but I know that I am. As I seive through all of my thoughts and feelings, I know that I will be able to move beyond and to get through this muck and mire. I know that I will be successful! I have no choice. Sure, I could sit in my room, in the dark and just pull the covers over my head. But, really, I cannot. I am not made that way. I know that I am made to be bold and I know that I will be loud. I know that I cannot be turned down to allow for things to be said and done in my stead. With that said, I am moving on!! Do I really have any choice about what I need to do? No. Not really. Certainly, I could just not move forward, but what would that do? That is not me.

What am I to say then? I am saying that I am tired of being treated differently. I was told last week that I needed someone to talk to. Yes, I have someone to talk to. But, what was I doing with PM? Dancing? We were talking but PM does not understand that I have been. I am trying to keep things from him and to keep things moving along. I talk to JC and that is good enough for the time being. There are many things that are said that I listen very intently to. I have heard one thing twice now. I will listen to it a third time and I know that it is time to do something else. But until then, I will not be listening to it again.

So I feel my emotions over some things want to vacate. I am ready and yet, I am not. There is a certain comfort to keeping emotions at a bay as well as people at a bay. It is time to test waters and to get moving forward with other things. Am I ready to sit in the back row again? No. Am I ready to move forward to the middle row? Not quite sure. Am I ready to sit in the front row? Seriously do not think so!!! But, whatever I must do, I will do that. No matter what. I will be pushing forward and testing the waters. I must be ready to expect the emotional upset. I hate the emotional upset, but it is terribly imporant to do so.

I think that I am ready. After experiencing the MRI? I have a choice and I must push forward despite the upset.

Pushing. Thinking. Being ready.

Adding to the mix

I know that things are to be much different after this walk with cancer, but I have to say that I know more and more that I am having issues with claustrophobia. While I can handle rooms and spaces, there are some areas that I must stay away from altogether. But, today I had an MRI scheduled and the things were just horrible. I had forgotten my valium and had to reschedule things. I did express to PM that this fear that I have will be addressed. I did express to him as well that I wanted him to look at me differently. I hate it when I am looked at in a strange way. This is not my imagination. I am able to handle many things, but the looks that I get from him are just a little off. I would like to be looked at differently. I want to be looked at not as a "client" but rather another person just having a difficult time. These looks that I have gotten from him are just so annoying. I hope that a day will come when he looks at me with more than just pity. No, I do not see loathe but just pity. I do not want pity. I want to be respected and just guided through all of this. He must learn or he will not be a good leader. I am looking forward to him being a leader and not just someone watching what is going on.

I want more than just what I am getting now. I want to be able to just get around and to be more successful than what I am now. I am fighting. I am winning. I am more than an conqueror and more than just a survivor. I am alive!!!

Pushing. Pressing. Hunting.

This is truly what I know

This I truly know. I am certain that I am feeling these feelings all over again. N calls them being insecure. Sure, if this is what it is then I am insecure. No, I am very secure. But, I know what I feel and I know that I do not care to share my thoughts and feelings with others. I have to be careful about who I share them with. But, I have to say, I am feeling like I do not want to be touched again. These feelings come in waves at times and all I want is to focus on what I need to do. This drives me nuts. I am feeling the loss of my other G and I am experiencing the loss of a close friend. I suppose that I am feeling a little more retreated for my emotional protection. I do not want to be compromised by anyone who may not completely understand my thoughts and my misgivings without being judged. Yes, I have been judged quite a bit and I am not in the mood for having that occur again. I know what I want and I know what I need to do to complete it. I must be stronger than I have ever been.

I am looking at the prospect of another surgery. This has my touch-o-meter on the fritz. I am feeling a little compromised but I need to keep things under wraps like I have done before in times past. I need to keep myself guarded again and be sure to take it easy and not get overwhelmed at things. This should not be a difficult thing. I have done this before and I am do this again. I am not looking forward to be cornered. I can do this.

Some of the tell-tale signs are still with me. I am working hard to not let them out and let them take over again. Not wanting to be touched is no big deal. I have to be willing to touch to let others not feel or suspect things. Funny how I say that. It is easier to touch than to be touched. How do I get around this with PD and PM? So, how do I get around this with N? She is a toucher now. Ireally do not want to be part of it all at this point. I really do not care to be around a whole lot of people right now. Even more so, Ihave noticed that if there are some forms of rejection, my emotions get more challenged (of course) and then I retreat a little more. I feel retreating. I need to make it look a whole lot less of what it is. Yea, I will be putting up a good fight and facade. Hoping that I can do this.

Pushing. Pressing. Facade.

Things that are really bothering me

I know that I have said on many occasions that things are bothering me. Well, some things persist. I realize that my ability to be touched is changing and I am glad of that. It is still there though. It is deep down and there are times that I just do not want to try; but, I do. Then, I try to put it out of my head. But PM. This is still a large issue. I have been wanting to have a conversation and to share some things that I would love to get past. I know that it would be healing for me. But, I am very must so scared. How do I say such things and manage to keep my head to myself?

So, the added issues of the building is bothering me. A wall has been put up in the building and it is very confusing to me. The changes are different. I do not like the wall and find it to be very challenging to my feeling of space. But, in the same regard, the wall was done very well. So, I am looking at why my feelings are the way they are. Why do I not like the wall? I hate the wall being there. I hate what the wall represents to me. It is a hindrance and represents being boxed in. Sure the sound system is much better and things actually look more like a sanctuary of sorts. But, I have to sit outside in the back area to survive. This represents to me "I can't". Strange to say. It feels like I cannot be free. It feels like I cannot be able to move around like I want to. It makes me feel as though I cannot feel uninhibited. This makes me feel boxed in and it prevents me from escaping. With this wall, it seems that I have to go through more to get out. I have this overwhelming feeling that I cannot get out; much like a maze. I hate mazes.

I am looking forward to some better days. Looking back, I can see just how far I have come. I can say, I am not afraid to express myself anymore. I am not worried about what others may feel or think. I have seen some very difficult days and I have felt very awkward in the sight of others. But, I am not willing to share a whole lot with others. I must be careful about what I show, express and reveal. I remember very well the feelings of being left in "outer Mongolia" and without any ways of feeling rescued. I am very thankful for PM. Extremely. I can honestly say that I feel very at ease about some things. Others? Well, not so sure. I really want to share, but I do not know how to express without causing any damage.

I will try very soon.

Placing. Pushing. Pronouncing.

Realizing

I am realizing many things here recently. Of course, these things are always in the back of my mind. I am understanding more and more all the time. I have seen many things this past year with respect to my emotions and how I mingle and interact with others. The days have been trying and to say that they have all been good to me is not so easy to say. But, I can say that I have been diligent and I have persevered. I have seen many more flashbacks and I have shared these with others as well. This is quite unique that others would share in what I hate the most. J, for example, was there for it. She actually said "thank you" for letting me see what I have gone through. It is very different to have someone see a piece of vulnerability that I do not like others to see.

I still deal with quite a bit of anger, bitterness and frustration when I discuss it. I know that I must get beyond this and move toward ease. A few days ago, I was sharing this with someone at the oncology clinic and when my blood pressure was taken, it was extremely high. Within a few minutes of breathing and relaxing, it was much lower by nearly 20 points. I knew then that this matter was still very alive in me and that there are so many areas that I must still address and seek to get resolution. There is no room in a person's heart for this much anger, hatred, resentment and unforgiveness. Where does all of this come from? It really has been within me deeper than I had realized. I do know that I have a lot of work to do to realize and know how my behaviors effect and affect others. I must be aware and learn to discipline myself. Too, I must be willing to allow others to see what I am experiencing. Some are able to handle this, others are not. C, for example, did not have very good thoughts for me when I was discussing with her about the need for reaching out. I do not believe that we are meant to walk in [all] trials and tribulations singularly. While it is true that someone cannot be along side us for everything, it is wrong for an individual to feel that they are alone and that no one cares about them. It is wrong to force the human condition to suffer alone. And to this aspect, I will fight and not be broken or deterred.

I realize that within me is a huge capacity of love and hate. I hate what was done. I love the journey of discovery. I hate that I have these feelings coming up. I love that they will be addressed in due time. I hate that these feelings will be with me for [possibly] all my life. I love that I know that I am not alone. I love that despite it all, there is hope. I love that others will learn from what I have been through and will be provided hope in healing and in love and compassion.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Providing hope.

What continues for the days ahead

I am determined. I have always been determined. The anniversary of the day is coming up and I am determined that it will not distract me. I am concerned that it will. I am having bad dreams and the flashbacks are getting to me again. I do realize that these are just a matter of my mind playing tricks on me and I do know that I am safe. I worry, though. I think at times he is going to show up at church and then I am trapped and stuck. One of the most difficult feelings to deal with is being trapped. I hate that feeling. I keep an eye on where I am and to make sure that I do not have a whole lot of people around. I make sure that I do not get stuck in tight places with too many people.

Today, I have been emotional. I can feel the emotions starting to well up. I really do not want these emotions to be in the way. I hate them like this. I get short tempered and irritating to others. Each year, is nearly the same. I do not like the holiday and try to just bury myself in obligations and such. I have looked on to the fireworks with bitterness and anger. Although the day was the 5th, it is this time of year that gets me the most. For several days, I am like this. I remember telling my brother about when it happened. There are some people that I just would rather not tell and he as one of them. Anther one is PM (but that is too late) and N. I will not tell the details about that day to her. It is too much for me. I do not want anyone else to have this in their heads or on their hearts.

I am not looking forward to this week. I have been experiencing more flashbacks this week and it is making me feel very uncomforatable. But, I can say that despite is all, I am well. I have been focusing on other events and trying to distract myself from the events of the week. I know that when this time of year comes around, it is very difficult to just get through. For several years, I just slid past this time of year. As I look back, I can see how I was compromised about the events that have led to this time. I have been excellent at burying my emotions and not allowing them to come to the surface. Now, I am working diligently at making sure that they do come to the surface and to show some sign about how difficult my days are becoming. When I am compromised, I am learning to show some signs of them and to allow certain persons privy rights to my emotions. It is not easy. I do not trust that well; however, when I do, then it is a matter of allowing that person or persons rights to understand my inner thoughts. I think hard and believe hard. I trust deep and long, and hard. Trust. It is a certain concept that is very difficult for me to simply engage in. It must be earned and it must be something that cannot be broken. Yes, I do have high expectations of trust. I cannot say it any different.

I am looking forward to the events of this week to come and to go. I am looking forward to the events of this upcoming week to be erased and then to be forgotten for the rest of my life. I am believing and hoping for the highest and the deepest.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Trusting on.

Shame and blame

I know that among all the emotions that I feel, shame and blame are the most predominant. Certainly, anger and hatred for what was done is very evident. But, shame and blame are always there. I remember when I was first sharing I had had the greatest difficulty in looking my Pastor in the eyes. The shame ran so deep. Over the following months, I would not be able to look him in the eyes. I did grow to be able to regain some semblance of respect. Now, nearly seven months later, things are very intersting. I can look back at everything that has been going on and see that the shame has not disappeared; rather, the shame has been addressed and to some extent remains just the same. When I was told "I challenge you to tell N about the rape" I looked at PM and thought very intently to myself a possibility of telling her. Then, I said no. I printed up several of my blog entries for her and then handed it to her for reading. I cannot share that with her. At that point, I did realize that the shame has not gone away. The shame of what was done has not left me. The shame has just been brought to light and acceptance has occurred. I have been accepted regardless my shame.

I look in the faces of some and then wonder about their perception of my shame. I am certain that not many understand what is going on, but who knows. I have walked with this shame for some time. I have also asked of PM to be patient with me in my shame for not being able to be touched. In some aspects, not being touched has a certain protection from such confrontation. To know that I will be touched gives me enough anxiety that I make every effort to avoid. I hate having to explain myself. But, even more so, I hate having to put someone on the spot of embarrassment; if I do not want to be touched, I just keep roving around so no one gets the clue. I really have such a difficult time with that at church. I used to sit and relax before service, but so many would come up to me and try to touch my shoulders or rub my back. I guess I understand what PM meant by "so many have tried to reach out to you". SD told me that I was hard to read before, I am harder to read now. I wonder what she means by that? But, I suppose that I could guess. I really do not care to be "read" so I have placed yet so many more safety features (for lack of a better word). I try hard to get beyond this and yet, it seems I always get to this point. I have to keep pushing onward with some of these corollaries.

I know that I have blamed myself for many things. I have blamed myself for not fighting harder. I have blamed myself for not avoiding him altogether. I have blamed myself for dating him a second time. I blame myself for being in his home. Even the conversations that I have had with PM, I experience shame when I percieve that I have done something wrong. And he has no understanding of this. Sometimes I wonder if they really do understand what I am going through or if they just want me to move along because I am too much for them to handle.

When I told PM that he could not handle my share, I was right. I also believe that he cannot handle my intensity. So, what do I do? I have to pray about it more.


Pressing in. Pushing on. Praying on.

Learning more

What an awesome event when we learn more about ourselves. Certainly, it is not the easiest to say that I like to learn about what makes me angry, upset, frustrated or all the above. I have to say that I am eager to learn more about what my triggers are; but, I like the most thing that I am learning more about going beyond and moving along. In previous postings, I have said that I am at the threshold of understanding anger. Yes, I am there. I am not just at the threshold, but I am in the door and I am looking around and seeing many things. Some of the things that I can see are not all that attractive; but, it is very important for me to be looking at. I must get there and I must look around and not be afraid of what I do see.

I am learning to be able to look at what does create the trigger that creates the anger. I know one particular trigger is when I am told what to do. I do not like having my choices taken from me. I do not care to have someone make decisions over me without my consent. One thing the rape did was to take my consent away. I do not like to have my consent removed from me. Learning to identify this is one thing; learning to move beyond it is yet another thing. Yes, there are certain things that will be taken from me that is not meant to be a violation. I do understand that the violation that I had been forced to endure is the cause of it all. I do not care for violation and when I see it in others, I get very irate and defensive. These emotions are very strong and I must be careful about how much I let show and how much others do see. I do realize that in the violation, I had lost all aspects of consent. I did not consent for this to happen and therefore I become very irritable when my consent is encroached upon and I have no alternative. When I feel challenged in that apect, I get very defensive. For the most part, I have hidden it very well over the years. But, not until this past year have I really had to be concerned about it being closer to the surface. There are so many things that are coming to the surface and it is good to see but the task of sorting them out is going to be very tedious.

Touching. I do not like the whole aspect of touching others as well as others touching me. This is something that I must be very particular with. Here recently, I have not wanted to do either. I have spoken in the previous postings that I do not mind the touching. However, just recently, I have not particularly cared to touch as well as be touched. When I do touch, it is with a lot of energy dispelled. There is always something with respect to this touching thing. I really hate it. That angers me. It angers me to be touched and it angers me to have to feel that it is important to touch. I could go without being touched for a while; but, I do realize that the challenge of being touched is important. The point of it all is that the challenge must exist in order for me to be able to move from one zone to another. This may not be comfortable; however, it is important to do.

I do realize that the anger that lies within is slowly being released. I do realize that the amount of anger that lies within stems from one huge issue--the violation. This has been there for a long time. I do hate that this has changed who I am. One thing that really has aggravated me these days is how I have shared the violation with PM, PD and N. I do not particularly care for that. I do not like that many know. This past year has been difficult. "Share Caren". Sure. I do not particularly care to have shared and I look back at it all with regret and revolt. I do know that I will be very careful in the future for whom I will be sharing things. One particular aspect of the sharing that I do not care about is that PM has that locked in his head. I do not care for that. It has changed the way he looks at me or even interacts with me. At times, I want to just escape into another church; however, I realize that the issue would follow me just the same. I tell SD that I cannot move along to another anything unless this matter is completely addressed. I hate this. I really look forward to this matter being resolved; however, I get concerned that this matter will never be resolved. I get concerned that this matter will haunt me for the rest of my days. And this makes me angry. It makes me angry that this mater is not resolved and will not allow me to move on and be prosperous.

Then I wonder about how much things would have been different if I had never told PM. The question I have is that how would things be now if I had never taken the time to tell him. How would things be different now if he was to be unaware of my past. So, should I continue to inform him of things? Is he able to continue to know what ails me or vexes me? What part of this is fair for him to know what is going on. How much more should I continue with? Is it his right to know because he is my Pastor? I really cannot say that I know these answers anymore. I really would like to know the answers. I know that I have been more than a handful with him on matters and I do not know how much I am willing to share anymore. My private concerns.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Learning more.

All diligence

I love that I am always reminded of encouraging things. Keeping my mind fixed and focused on what I know is right is the best answer to looking toward all diligence. Yet, another--guard your heart. I plan on doing just that. One of the most important aspects of guarding your heart is to know who you can talk to regarding the things that bother me the most. I have to be careful because I do not want my behaviors perceived as something odd or strange; however, they are.

Today, was a day that I had truly felt very odd and dirty. I really felt separated from many because of everything that has happened in the past. I do realize that my individual perceptions may not always be correct. I do look forward to only a few people understanding what is going on. The Fourth of July is coming and so is the anniversary of the dirty deed. Yea, the dirty deed. I suppose that I must be a little more aware of my initial behaviors because of that. I do realize that the emotions that have been buried for many years must be allowed to surface. And as they are, I must be willing to work on every single one of them as they emerge. I thought that my pastoral team would be there for this process, but I do believe that I misunderstood that function. Just the same, it will be very good to be able to just get on with the show.

I do know that as I have begun to examine the anatomy of anger, I am looking at things just a bit differently. I spoke of the triggers on my previous posting and now, I will be looking at more of the triggers to anger. I think all the time about what my triggers are. For the most part, I do not believe that all triggers are detrimental. Some triggers are meant to aid in the recognition of fight or flight responses. It is meant to provide a way out for a compromising situation that can protect. What is it that I need protection from? This perception of protection means that my emotions have been challenged and therefore, I must be able to look at the issue that is being addressed. I am not a fan of the word "issue" so I will be hunting for the best descriptive. Variable? Perhaps too mathematical. Challenge? Perhaps not descriptive enough. Corollary? That is it!!!! My corollary. The corollary for this trigger will be addressed as it emerges. What are my triggers? They may be circumstances, people, comments or other things that are random. For example, one day, PM had asked that I come into the other office at the BnG Club to look at an icon on the computer. Yes, it was a ruse. He was trying to help me with my concern of being in a small enclosed space and wanted to trick me into getting into "baby steps". The term he had used was a trigger--lured. This was very unkind and very difficult for me; I did express to him such. Triggers. Why are they so important? One day, there will be a trigger that will be too much. This is what I get concerned about. There have been triggers that have created flashbacks that I do not care for. There are triggers that have created times where the emotions are just too much and the days are spent in tears.

Are all triggers bad? No. There are triggers that are meant to be good for emotional cleansing. Emotional cleansing is good. As a woman, cleansing must happen for the emotions to be healthy and for them to be allowed to keep the physiologic and the emotional balanced. I know that during chemo, my emotions were very open. I needed to have them open. I had allowed them to be open and I was looking for every opportunity for them to be made available. There were many times where they were inconvenient; however, exercising emotions are very important. It is much like a physical workout. I was told that the chemo would be very harsh on my body; I would need to have eye drops and other lubricants for my body to be in good homeostasis. No! I will not take artificial this and that. I will exercise and allow my body to be filled with what is natural. Because I am not ordinarily an emotional woman, I did allow these emotions to be free. When they came, I did allow them to come. Yes, I did allow them the freedom to be there. Now, I have more healthy emotions and I can express them with greater health. This is important. We must always allow our emotions a healthy workout. Whether it be for crying, yelling, fear, anger, enjoyment, excitement, they must be made available. We were not meant to be emotionless. For years, I have been emotionless and that was not healthy nor good. I allowed the emotions to come. I had heard the voice of my LORD say "let them come". HE kept watch over my emotions for healthy release and now this walk is for my health and not for my detriment. I am a strategical person. I am willing and eager to get to the other side; to the other side, I will get there.

I am looking forward to understanding more about these triggers and what they mean to me as a whole person. I will be whole. I will be there on the other side to help others after such an ordeal. I am willing to be there when others say they cannot.

See you there!

Pushing on. Pressing in. Looking on.

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder is there someone out there that is just as messed up as me? Then I find out that there are no real definitions of "messed up" because it is all relevant. No, I am not messed up. I have had to say many times that I am not what this is. I wish that I was someone else at times. I have to get by with a lot and without the assistance of a lot. Then I think about whose responsibility it is to get out of all of this. It is mine. I am responsible to seek and so therefore I am. I wonder about much. I wonder about my future. I wonder about what I hide. I wonder about my mingling with others. I wonder about feeling like this tomorrow. I wonder about feeling like this today. I wonder about what it feels like to live without anger, hatred, shame, doubt, fear, insecurities. Yea--put me back together. I really do not want to feel different from others. But, I am different from others. And for the most part, I have always embraced it; however, up till last year, did I feel like I could not embrace it. I have felt very different from others and now, I am not going to really fight. I am different than others and I will embrace my difference. I will be working and walking alone again for a season and am looking forward to this journey. I will be working again for that perfection that some may argue with. I will be looking for that perfection that will challenge me. I will be working with that perfection that will intimidate others. I will be working with that perfection that will instigate me to do more for others. I will be working with the perfection that will keep me under wraps for others and will help me get time to pass and get this all behind me. I am going to live with the choices that I make and from there I will embrace the change that I need to. I will be walking alone and that I will enjoy once again.

I am going to be wondering much. I realize that I will be making more entries and that will be good. I am looking forward to making more entries. I was told that perhaps these entries might be much for others to read; however, if they need a dictionary, then so be it. It will be working on the things that I know that I should and will. I will be embracing more and more. I will be looking at the anatomy of fear; the anatomy of hate; the anatomy of insecurity; the anatomy of a hug; the anatomy of touch and even more. I want to know. I want to learn. I want to get beyond this season and to move to another season.

I am wondering about a new label. I want a new label that I can hold that will not be deliterious. I want a new label that will speak about who and what I am. I love Metisse! I want a label for others that will be what I am. I am definitely a half-breed. I am defiinitely different than othres and I am not afraid to accept that. I do embrace the fact that what I hold dear inside of me is for the GLORY OF GOD. I know what I hold dear in me will be between the LORD and me. I know that what I have inside of me will be victorious because I am determined. I have had many bad head and heart days where the insecurity is just too much. I refuse!!! I want to be steadfast in the WORD and in my walk. I am determined.

I am bold. I think about N. The last conversation that I had had with her, I wanted to know about her thoughts about why she considered me to be intimidating. Yes, I am bold. She said that she is easily intimidated. Sure, that is for certain. I wonder how many are easily intimidated for that matter. Then, why is it that many cannot understand what intimidates them? I have to look at what intimidates me--the rape, cancer, others' perceptions of me. I look evil in the face all the time and I embrace the battle. Why is it that others do not feel the same way? Perhaps they do. But, to look at them I wonder. I wonder. N says that perhaps the LORD has paired us to help her not be so intimidating. I can say that I really do dislike presumptuousness. I hate that it is something that is in many. I do not like how many presume that I must be one thing or another. J called me an "instigator". I love it. If it means that it stirs people up, then so be it. But, I do believe that I am going to enjoy many upcoming things.

My determination remains. I will be continuing in this manner. I will be seeking answers without the assistance of others. I will be seeking information from places that I know will be willing to provide the answers without any strings attached. I will be working toward healing and I will attain it--even if it is going to bother some.

I am determined to continue on. I am determined to wonder on. I am determined to be what I am supposed to be in CHRIST.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Wondering on.

So be it

This is what I know. I must continue to press on and press in. Over the past several days, I have been experiencing many different emotions. I have said very clearly over the past several months that I will be very careful to identify my thoughts and not avoid the word "things". I know that I am very black and white about many things; never have I ever been told that I have to compromise myself for the benefits of others. I have been told that my expectations are too high and that I must change my expectations. I am very deeply stunned by this. I have looked at my expectations over the years and understand that I cannot change what I have come to understand about myself and others. I cannot compromise or be willing to be changed that might not bless the LORD.

I realize that I must accept many things. I have come to the conclusion that I must attend to my own--my attitude, feelings, emotions, actions/behavior. I am willing to exercise my own assessment and to place this before the LORD and be willing to allow HIM to change me according to HIS grace and good will. Yes, certainly, all change must be according to my will for it to happen. I want things to change and I want my current condition to change. One of which, is my anger. I do not have anger towards others; rather, I have anger that this happened. Assault, sexual or otherwise, changes a person. Granted. I have anger that is bubbling to the surface. I want this addressed. This anger prevents me from really reaching for the best. I keep avoiding because I do not want anyone to get that close before they see my anger. I keep people at bay and avoid certain relationships. Who is the one that suffers? Many. I do not like that. I am not trying to rationalize or validate my position; however, the position is what it is. So be it.

Validation is one topic that has been on my mind lately. Am I trying to validate my position? Why should I feel like I need to validate my anger? I have seen my anger come up here lately and it has not been very nice. The reprocussions of my anger are not good. I have a lot of anger buried deep within that has not been addressed. I am angry over much. I will do my best to address this succinctly. With the grace of GOD, it will be a good address and many should benefit from it. I have been looking at the anatomy of many things--the anatomy of a hug; the anatomy of a touch. But, the anatomy of anger. What an incredible task that will be. The anatomy of anger that grips a person. This is tainted with fear. I do know this. Fear has been a bedfellow and friend for many years. Now, it is time to not make it my ally but my foe. Fear and anger. They really do go hand in hand on many things. So, let us begin.

Hello fear. I have seen you for a very long time and I do not want to see you anymore. You have ruled me for far too long. You are no longer wanted and needed in my life. We will have many discussions and you are not welcome.

I know that fear and anger are very much so closely related. I have to say that I get very angry when others treat me so differently. For example, the issues that I have about being touched in certain places. One of my friends does not like me to refer to the assualt, so we have a code--the uh-huh. She is so funny. That makes me feel very comfortable. But, I hate it that I have seen others step back from me. I do not like that. It makes me feel very strange and very odd that this changes people and their way of fellowship with me. The fear that I see in others makes me angry. I cannot help the way this stain has been created in me; but, in one aspect, I suppose that I can appreciate the distance and the understanding that I receive for the way that I feel. What angers me the most is that I am different. I see it in so many. I hate the restrictions that this has created. I hate the special attention that I get from others that should not be. I hate that I am lesser of a person. I hate that I am not a whole person. I hate this stain. I hate that my emotions are very rocky. I hate the amount of crying that I have done. I hate that this will not go away.

I am afraid of much. I am afraid of being trapped. I am afraid of being told things. I am afraid of being rejected for my imperfections. I am afraid of being in places that are unfamiliar. I am afraid of being next to some people. I am afraid of these flashbacks happening more and more. I am afraid of some people touching me. I am afraid of people knowing what is inside of me from the stain.

I remember several weeks ago, the look that I had gotten from S when I was grabbed by PD. I cannot help this. I was not feeling all that well and from that point, I could not allow myself to do some things. This is one of my greatest fears--being caught in public with one of my fears out in the open. I hope that this will not happen again. But, if it does, I hope and pray that it is with someone that will understand and not be afraid of what is to come. I am afraid of lashing out because of my fear. If it happens, I pray for a great comfort zone. I am hoping and praying. So be it.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Being on.

Speaking of things that are

There is without the shadow of a doubt that I have things that I need to talk about. But, when I talk about them to others, it is frustrating to really hear all about the truth of it all. So, now, things are more constrained and I am left wondering what is next. Seems that my anger has gotten the best of me this week. Now, there is someone who is very upset and has indicated so. Not my intentions. But, I have been taking my discussions to PJ. Seems that the discussions are being slightly threatening. I knew that it would not go well, but I was told a long time ago that the "counseling" was done and that PM had already pushed it with the LORD. I do not agree with it, but I will respect it. I know that I will get the answers that I need from PJ. Not PM's PJ, but BHW PJ. I know that the answers will come as well when I push in to find them.

One thing that I have always known is that the way that anger has been with me. I look forward to understanding what I can do to identify it and then to be able to keep my mouth shut and my heart worked on. I look forward not only to be able to work that lock of my heart, but to get rid of it. I know that the healing is coming and I have seen so much of it already. But, there is still just so much that I am getting to the core of. I know that what will be uncovered and discovered will be quite the experience. I know that I am being watched over by my LORD and that what comes from it will be both exciting and scarey. I am not especially looking forward to it; however, it is necessary. I must find a safe place and work it through. I may ask PJ to pray with me regarding the issues of anger. I am looking forward to facing my fears and my anger. I want to look to the origins and I want to look where the LORD wants me to look.

I will be looking and it will be a good thing. I have been at the threshold for some time and now being in the room, I am bumping into things. I know that as I discover what makes me angry, I will be better able to understand my fellowship with others. But, in the meantime, I will be keeping a distance from others and that will be necessary. I will be keeping things going on over at BHW more. I will be working harder to maintain my fellowship in Tacoma and to keep those at bay at HLCC. I am looking forward to going to Tacoma and staying the entire day with the girl. She has been needing that time. I will be scheduling some quiet time and hopefully being able to just have an entire day at the pool or just whatever. I want some quiet time for myself as well so that I might be able to meditate on the WORD more.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Moving around more.

Things to learn

I have so much to learn and so much to get straight. For so long, I have been working so hard to overcome some things. With all of this in front of me, my anger has been really triggered. I know that I should not be angry over anything, but I am. Recently, I was told about our church picnic. I was told that it was going to be 50 miles or so out of town. How irritating can it be. I am finding that I am very irritable these past several days. I must keep a close eye on things with that. I do not want to be overly compromised regarding regular conversations. I must find a certain point of no return so that I am not offensive to anyone. This is an aspect of what I must look at for the anatomy of anger. I have many triggers and I must look at them carefully and to be able to recognize them when they are brought to the surface.

One trigger that I recognize is having my decisions made for me. I suppose that the decision of the picnic was not a wise one. Considering that I am a single parent and do not have all the equipment for a picnic/bbq, I am a little upset that an overnight picnic would be a great idea. Sure, these men are not the best ones in control of making such decisions. I suppose that the biggest issue would be that it is the "men" of the church that make decisions over the single women without consulting them. This is what gets me the best. Why were we not consulted about what might make it easier on us to have some fun? Afterall, we have to do so much in order to get from point A to point B. Why is it that we are not considered worthy to be consulted?

Triggers--I hate them. I feel at times that I am always asking for forgiveness for my attitude. Perhaps I should wear a sign that says "Rape victim--insecure--please forgive me!" Who knows. But, for the most part, it is the matter of understanding my triggers. I have to learn to contol and discipline my tongue to not get caught in a pit of yuck that would keep me there offending others.

I have noticed that these triggers can have a physical effect as well. Depending upon the trigger, I can get quite the posture. Posturing in the triggers makes a huge difference about how I am received. When I posture, I have to be careful to not be intimidating to others. Then again, sometimes it can be a lot of fun to make others recognize that I do not care to be messed with. At times there is security about being solitary. I do not have to explain myself to others as well as to the person/s that might be engaging me. I have prided myself in being strong minded; this may be a little over the top. I have noticed that there is a certain protection in this behavior. If I do not have to engage others in "small talk" then I am safe. I have never been a good one for small talk and therefore, I do not care to partake in it. When I have "small talk", it usually is not all that small. I like to talk about all kinds of things--politics to religion. Yes, the taboos of conversations. However, many avoid it so much. I like a good conversation that does not mean that it is heavy handed on one side; rather, that it is a logic based conversation with solid theory and concept. Yes, I am a strange animal. That is me. I like to be unique and I am not afraid of being who I am and what I am.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Look on.

Hard days are here

I do have to admit that there are hard days that I have seen and still more yet to come. Today, was one of the hardest days that I have seen in a long, long time. I was able to get to church this morning, but it was more difficult than anything else. I have had a migraine for a couple of days and it has been a doozie. I have been dizzy, nausous, irritable and just general malaise. I really hate these. But, the most frustrating thing has been this overwhelming intollerance to colognes and scents. No matter how much I try to sit and be ready to just relax, it does not work. I cannot handle it. But, what got me today was PD. I wanted prayer, but this was not going to work. My issues of being touched is enough; but, to pull me? That was more than enough. I hate coersion. I really hate that so much is not understood; I felt horrible this morning and it just was not understood. I worked hard to make it to church and from there, it turned out to be just too difficult.


Today, I felt like a freak all over again. I really do not like feeling like that. I hate having to explain some things; but, more importantly, I felt very vulnerable. I wanted prayer so much and by going up to be prayed for, I was extremely nauseated by PM's cologne. This is just too much. I am getting quite frustrated at the fact that all around me are colognes and strong scents. I had to take my bandanna out and cover my mouth and nose because it was so strong. Smells are bothering me to much. I have felt so horrible today that I should not have gone to church; but, I did. I ended up putting water on the bandanna and then wiping my face and my head. That helped some, but not enough. I ended up going back to my seat and just relaxed. Then, of course, PD came to me and wanted to know if I wanted prayer. Of course I did! But, the cologne. OH, can I just scream!! Then, I offered my hand to be helped up. Then the comment came. "But you did not want to be touched." Well, I was offering, but then at that point, it was a matter that I pulled my hand back quickly. He wanted me to go to the other room for prayer. That was it. I was triggered and I had to go. At that point, I did not want to be touched or dragged to the other room. I felt very uncomfortable and compromised. I understand that PD wanted to just be helpful; however, that was not the way to do it. I will have to get into a conversation with him to establish some type of protocol. I hope that he will not be uncomfortable about things.

I have no idea what to do about the cologne situation other than just avoid. Nothing good can come out avoiding. I am hoping that a solution will come very soon.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Moving forward.

Taking hold of these

For the most part, I know these insecurities. I have been working diligently to work on many things. I can feel many things starting to bubble up and I know that some things are going to surface more than others. My anger is one thing that I am needing to explore. I have been burying my anger for years. There are many things that I am angry about with respect to this violation. I am angry over the cancer. But, I am angry with myself. I must be very careful about misplaced anger and aggression towards others. I am very glad that I have my dojo time. I have taken that time and opportunity to work out stress and anxiety. I am working to concentrate on developing more discipline in my physical activity and strength.

I did talk to N yesterday. It is nice that I do have someone that I can chat with when my head and heart days are a little more than what I would like. This will be good when I do not have to email PM. I really do hate that I get up in the middle of the night and have a rough time. She said that I can call anytime day or night. I am really not all that keen on calling during the early hours of the day; but, she did say that it was ok.

Thus far, my anxiety is ok. I do not feel all that great. My evening started out with a migraine and went to nausea. I feel like I am coming down with a cold; I am cold and cannot warm up. I cannot wait to get back to bed and enjoy a good night sleep.

Pusing on. Pressing in. Looking on.

The impossible for the day

There is so much going on inside that I have been working through. Seems like it all the time. But, this is ok. This means that things are becoming resolved and I am looking forward to getting things resolved. I know that what lies within must come out. As I have written before, the anger of things is buried very deep. I have waxed things over for so long that when the anger does emerge, I hope that it will be guided very carefully.

Some of the things that I have been very hesitant to do is to seek others as "gatekeepers". With my mistrust alread, I do not know anyone who might actually want to be a gatekeeper for me. I was thinking of Sunday and I know one thing for certain--I really am having some areas being tromped on and I am very careful about my response. I can feel the anger come up and I do not want to be around some people when it happens. There is so much anger in me from everything. I hate that I am not a whole person at times. I have to fight my thoughts of insecurity and persistance. I hate that I cannot look and feel 100 percent at times. I am constantly reassuring myself of things. I have to reassure myself of relationships with others. At times, the battle of just feeling lesser is so much that I just retreat from others and return within. But now, the impossible for the day is to reach out. I really do not want to. I remember the day when PM told me to reach out. He told me to get to know others as a "close knit family". I told him, " I beg of you not to ask me to do that". I still feel that way, but I do realize the wisdom of that. It is magnified more when I have an issue of trusting. How to trust.

Now, for the day, trust is so important. I am sharing more information; but, I want to scream. I am in a place now where I have shared, I am vulnerable and I must trust my emotions to others who may/not understand. This is difficult for me. This is arcane to me. This is not what I want to do, but I must complete this. It makes me feel separate from others and I do not want that. I want to be free from my internal conversation of what others might think.

I want to not be worried about being bottled up as well. I want to be able to feel comfortable in places and not feel like I need to run or hide. One thing that I am looking forward to is being able to sit in a room with a bunch of other people and not feel like I want to bolt. Sunday, for example, at Family Fun Night, I sat next to PM for the games. I had one cheek on and one cheek off ready to go. Awkward!! And the cologne? That still bothers me. I hope that someday the smell of cologne will not upset me so.

But, fear captivates me. Anger makes me hide. It makes me retreat and not lean on others because I do not want anyone to know what is in me. It keeps me separated from others.

Pressing on. Pushing in. Not retreating on.

Wondering and pondering about things

Today was a day that I was expecting to be rather emotional; however, it was not. I was told by T that I looked much better than what I have been. I have to say, not having the monkey on my back about chemo and radiation is nice. So much has been removed from me and it is nice that things are easing. When I had gotten home from work, I was eager to head to church. I look forward to church more and more. Despite it all, it is awesome. Yes, I know there are so many areas of being trapped or touched or just being encroached upon. I am working diligently on trying to just be careful and knowing my surroundings. I do not care to be sitting too close to some.

I was very happy that PD was able to read the material that I had left with PM. It was nice to see that someone understood what I have been experiencing. Rape Trauma Syndrome/PTSD associated with the trauma is what I have been experiencing. My anxiety is higher these days and working through the anxiety is a chore that will be here for some time until the LORD sees it completely gone. I know that it will happen; in the meantime, I know that I am much more safer and that is more comforting now than ever. I am encouraged that I am understood and the pressure to move beyond is not as heavy. The LORD is guiding me in all of this and from that point, I am comforted to know that no matter if I am at the church or not, I am not going to be mocked, scoffed or harrassed for the difficulties that I have been experiencing. They are very real to me and that is the biggest hurdle.

I am eager for more time to go by. I want this to be further and further behind me. I feel a little more confident that my wishes are being respected; even more so, that I am being more understood. I have hated that I have not been understood the way that I know that I could be. I will continue to blog my thoughts. They are so much better for the time being.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Believing on.

Continuing education

I have noticed that I have not made a post in a very long time. As I have been completing the most difficult part of treatment, I have been working diligently on the issues that have vexed me. There have been many things that have been ongoing. The flashbacks are ongoing. I have had some very difficult ones and at the most difficult time as well--during radiation treatment. For the most part, the intensity is less and frequency the same. I continue to pray, listen to my music and to use positive self-talk to dispell these.

Since my last posting, I have had many events happen. I have been experiencing some very interesting challenges to my trust-o-meter. I have been chatting more to one of the ladies in my church--N. I am not entirely sure how I feel about this new and budding relationship of trust. I have noticed that very few people do understand what is going on and what has happened. As more people are growing to understand what is going on, I have been asked some very awkward questions. I have seen others try too hard to make things "better". PM was/is one of them. I did express that I do have difficulty in being in enclosed spaces. Not every enclosed space is difficult. There are some circumstances where the reminder of violation just comes back and is overwhelming. PM had taken it upon himself to try and "lure" me to "baby steps". Hmmm. I had to express to him that I was not there to have anyone "fix me". Yes, I am damaged goods. However, not so that I would need to be felt that I needed to be "fixed". No, walk with me. Walk with me. Literally and figuratively. I do have difficulties in trusting and relying upon others for the things that I should need. However, a day of testation is always needed. I am reminded again and again of the days when we needed help in our long and difficult days and there was none. But, even more so, the looks from others when they know that they should have been helping out and did not. Trust?

Now that I am not challenged with the added issues of treatment, some things are less taxing. However, I can see that PM has been taxed by all of this. I have shared with him some very heavy stuff and leaned upon him for things most difficult. My discussions about all things have been shifted from PM to JC. Yes, little JC--the Rock of Gibraltar. I remember one day, I had asked a question of PM and his was response was very disconcerting. He had said that if he felt that I needed to be referred to anyone he would do so. Fair enough; however, not so. I know that I have had some difficult days; however, please do not make me feel any more like a headcase than I already feel. Thank goodness for JC.

I still have quite a bit of bitterness and anger locked in me from so much. I hate that I have been stained so. I hate that I have had to go through cancer treatment. I hate that I have been separated from others. I hate that this will never be over--I wil be locked in a way that I feel different from others. But, I can say that I am very happy that I have learned to do more than just compensate. I am looking forward to conquering.

Pressing on. Conquering on.

Moving to the next thing

So, I had a conversation today with Another G. The conversation was very good and it was reassuring to discuss some things freely. So, the discussion of Sunday came up. I was hugging others. Yes, I was hugging others. But we discussed that when I openly hug others, it is because I will exchange for that. It is with incredible cost that I do that. That night, I had flashbacks. I was determined to get beyond the hugging and touching despite the flashbacks. Yea, I have been told that this appears to be giving mixed messages. I am working diligently to get beyond the boundaries of all of this but it exhausts me. Why do I worry about this so much? I do not want anyone to expect me to always be willing to be touched without a cost or without any kind of visible frustation. I am working on touching on my terms and time schedule. I am not trying to do this on anyone else's schedule. I realize this.

The touching issue runs very deep. I know that I have discussed this before, but it is always important to me. I can touch many people who are strangers. I have no expectation of being touched by them because everyone has their own personal boundaries. For the most part, many strangers do not care to be touched without permission. We look at each other with a recognition of touching. This can be either a touch on the shoulder, arm, a light touch or shrug. We all do this. The non-committal type of hug or touch is non-threatening. I engage in all of these because they are all acceptable. I do not have to worry about the obligation of the other person. Building relationships and friendships require more than just a non-committal kind of hug or touch. Then the obligation comes. The walls must be addressed and from there the boundaries become very defined. Sometimes the walls can move in closer and closer because of perceptions and concepts that might be overwhelming.

For me? It is all of the above. I do not want to get that close to a person for them to understand that I have been "tainted" by rape. This is my personal concept. But, too, the violation of rape creates the boundaries. I think intently about these things because it effects me severely. I do not care to have to relive some things and I do. The flashbacks, for example, are outcomes of the event. I remember the rape. I remember the feelings that I had. I do not relive the rape but I do remember the feelings of isolation, anger, hatred and frustration. I started to experience the feelings of shame not long after that. I remember that I had started to feel funny/wierd. I remember the days that I walked around and could not place the feelings. I remember the days that I just could not sit still at church. I did not understand what was going on; but, I do now. I remember the days that I could not just get involved with things. I did, for the most part, keep going. I recognized that this was rape and I had to push myself to move beyond the assault. I had to tell myself that it was not going to bother me and that it was not going to prevent me from being who I was. But, it did. Some things just remained dormant. I did not realize that the assault bothered me more than what I gave credit for it. Now, today, after so many years the cancer stirred things up. I am beginning to believe that these things were stirred up for a good long time. I do not need to be actively involved with something (some investment) and to sabbotage my career. I do not need that. I am happy to get through this. I need to get throught this.

I do realize that I have quite a bit still to get through. The anger is still there. There is still much that has not been discussed that I have just allowed to be just under the surface. I have accommodated this and have made adjustments according to the events of my life. This does not mean that I have addressed these things. But, I have worked to recognize the behavior. I know what to expect now. I have compensated the behaviors. I avoid certain events and circumstances. I avoid some people. I do not care to be in large groups that I do not have a way to escape. I do not care to be around a lot of men; however, I relate more with men than I do with women. I have worked hard alongside men to build my career.

Do I feel like I want to blame? I am not sure. I have never placed any blame except for myself. No one could have told me about this person. I did not want to believe it. But, when the behavior started, I was in deeper than what I believed. When the rape occurred, I hated him. That is something that I know that I will need to be addressing. I do not know if I have forgiven him; I know that it is important. I have never prayed for him. I have never cared to. I know that I avoid that issue with everything that is in me. I do realize that the day is coming that I will be needing to address this. When? I am not sure.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Realizing on.

When things happen again

I know that I have said it many times that I hate these flashbacks, but I really do. For the most part, these flashbacks happen less frequently and are still very consistent. I have been experiencing them for far too long now and they are driving me nuts. Sometimes I feel like I am going nuts myself. I know that I am not. Just this past weekend, I had some more flashbacks and nightmares. They create sleeplessness thatI do not care for. I do not think anyone cares for such sleeplessness. I know that when these happen, they leave me feeling insecure, with shame and guilt, and anger. I do not care for the way that I feel dirty or nasty after they happen. I wonder at times if I should keep a log of when they happen, the material or the frequency. I can have them any time of the day or night. Just when I feel as though I can move forward with touching, I am vexed again with a flashback and the feeling of being touched creates a whole new issue for me. I try so hard to be able to get to touch some and then a flashback happens and I am pushed again to just feel like I am issolated once again. I do not care for this at all. I do not want to just retreat from all of this and just not be around anyone; this would be wrong. I have to practice a lot of self-discussion and to reassure myself of what is going on.

What am I going to do about all of this? I do a lot of self-discussion/talk. I am working on my spiritual discussion as well and to build my inner strength. The "inner sanctum" in which motivates me to do what is done needs to be protected. As I continue with the chemo and move on to the radiation, I have noticed that I am very anxious about things. Knowing the type of therapy this will be is making me very anxious. I have to ask a lot more questions regarding this and to be ready to push forward. I do not know how this this going to effect/affect me and so I must be prepared for the whole thing. I do not want to retreat but there will be days that it will be necessary. I am not looking forward to the questions and the looks from everyone. I am looking forward to feeling whole. I am not sure how I want to answer some questins from others. I know that some will not ask questions. I know there are some that will not undestand my emotions and so keeping an even keel will be essential. I must learn to practice covering up and hiding things more. The effects of chemo will be done and I will be mending from all of the side effects. I am looking forward to feeling whole once again.

I must remain fixed to the course on this journey. The feelings that I have been left with are very mixed and very unsettling. I have discussed trust, anger, hatred, fear, anxiety and more. I have indicated that some of these emotions I will be addressing again. I do feel that the discussin is coming once again. I have felt such an impending need to have a release of emotion and I know there is still so much buried beneath it all. As I continue to prayerfully move along, I am working on my plan of focus. I do not want to loose the ground that I have made; in the same respect, the ground that I have made does not feel like I have been successful. I have a sneaky feeling that is when I have made the most success.

I have been examining this through my "trust-o-meter" and my "touch-o-meter". I feel that they are equally balanced and linked. I know that there are certain zones of my body that I do not want to have touched. How do I make people realize that I do not want to be touched. I know that Another G understands. But, how do I make others understand that I do not care to be touched?

Pushing on. Pressing on. Waiting on.

Here I am

So, here I am. I am looking at things once again with respect to my self-concept. Yes, I have been looking at quite a bit lately and realize that there are some places that I choose not to enter. Some doors are just a little more difficult than others. Entering some doors are just a little more difficult than others. I think that I have finally hit one that I do not care to enter. I am/not a freakazoid. But, I know one thing--I do not want to discuss it quite in its entirety. I know that some days I feel quite content with who and what I am. I know that there is a comfort that is there that has been for some time. It is what I am accustomed to. I realize that there is a certain amount of uncertainty about what to do with a new self-concept with discussing being a freakazoid. I have to be careful to not say it so loud. I understand that some might not understand my referral to being a freakazoid--une metisse. I suppose that it is not fair to say that.

I do realize that when I choose to discuss the origins it will not be easy; but, it is something that will have its day. I am not ready and I am not willing to disucss it at this time. I do realize that this has been affecting me. I have been a private person for a while and feel a need to rationalize this. Too, I do realize that being private has its benefits; however, I must keep it balanced with other things. In the meantime, getting past the concepts of others will be interesting. I am different. There is no doubt about that. What makes me different? That is a discussion for another day as well.

It is not easy to try to explain how things have been made different after rape. It is hard to explain to people how behaviors slowly change because perceptions have changed. What I find to be very difficult is trying to explain why rationalizations and accommodations have changed because of the fear of someone finding out that it happened, but even more so that the expectation to "just get over it" happens. No one can understand the accusations that can happen when you are told that "it was your fault" or "you should have fought harder" or "what do you expect" or "it is nothing" or "you are making things up". There is a certain hardness that sets in when after victimization you are mocked and scoffed for what happened. Learned responses happen; avoidance and the like are part of those learned behaviours. I learned to avoid people and places. I chose to find ways to better myself and to bury myself in work, school, church and other events. I had learned not to cry. I had buried my emotions deep and worked hard for them not to surface in front of others as well as myself. I had learned to hate emotions and to be tight with my feelings; yet, working hard not to allow them to surface. I had avoided intimacy with others because I did not want to share or to reveal much. Even one of my best friends did not believe what had happened. It is very difficult to reach out to people when your reception is less than favorable.

I know that I have a lot to discuss and a lot to overcome. I do know that there is no rush and that these matters will be resolved in their own time; I must be willing to address them. I must be willing to be probed and I must be willing to trust that when I choose to open up, it will be safe and GOD blessed.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Probing on.

So the truth is out

So this is what I know for the day. I have had the longest day today battling the snow and the ice; I was on the freeway today and have spent the longest day behind the wheel of my rig. I had started the morning out with a revelation--I am a freakazoid. Yes, I have said it and the truth is out. Why do I consider myself a freakazoid? I was asked this today of my Pastor. Do I say this with pride or do I actually say this because this is the personification of what I truly feel? The truth is out. How do I feel and why do I feel this way? For the longest time, I have been discussing my feelings and what current state of mind that I am in. But, this is one of the deepest questions that I have been asked for some time. Why do I refer to myself as a freakazoid? Maybe I should call myself Nathaniel Hawthorne? It is hard to explain to another person the way a person can feel stained from the experience of sexual assault. Certainly, I have felt out of place from many because I feel like I am a geek as well. I am a nerd and love education and love the entire experience. I can easily hide in my books and my academia. But, the stain of sexual assault can stay with a person a whole lot longer than just hiding in books.

I cannot really say for how long I have felt like a freakazoid. I know that within the past several months since the cancer treatment that I have felt more deeply about things and how I have felt so out of place from others. Things have been stirred up--of course; I have discussed it. But, feeling like a different person from others is the pinch. I do not feel like others because of the stain from all of this. At times, I feel as though I have a huge "R" on my chest that says it all. I realize that not all know what is going on; however, that does not matter. I think differently from others. I am ever vigilant because of the assault. I do not trust like the next person. I question things more. I avoid certain situation and people. While I like to engage people in things, I do not want to be engaged--I like to be more in control over things so protect my heart. Yes, the truth is out. I like to have the comfort of being in my own control and to work within a comfort zone so that I do not put myself in the position of ever being victimized. I am a freakazoid.

I have had a lot of emotional releases. This is not my norm; however, I have never been through chemo before as well and so I can look back and say that I have been through the ringer with the emotions. These emotional upsets and outbursts also make me feel like a freakazoid. I have felt very imbalanced with these; too, I was told that I was pushed into chemo induced menopause. So, I understand the emotional mix. But what lies beneath the surface are emotions that were pushed to the top of everything because of the breaking point. Chemo created that breaking point. I hate crying. I hate being that vulnerable. I hate letting others know my emotions. I hate others seeing my emotions. I hate feeling as though I am being judged. My emotions have been on a roller coaster and for complete display. I am a freakazoid.

Now, the question is, should I feel like a freakazoid? I suppose that I should feel like anything that I want and nothing that I want. Feelings of inadequacy are hard to deal with. When I have felt so small at times and then so uncertain about things, it does not help. But, for the most part, the long lasting effects of the assault created a great breeding ground for all of this. I realize that I am different from others. Odd to say because I have felt this way for so long. These feelings have become a great bedfellow and I have grown accustomed to the way that I have felt. I am different. The rape made me different. The battle now is to recognize it and to tackle those feelings of difference. Where to start?

Pushing on. Pressing on. Freakazoid on?